The nerd in the sweater

Someone sacred,
Someone crying,
Someone on the inside,
dying

Why put those glasses and make yourself a fool?
Dropping your pride like a old greased stained shirt on the floor,
While bystanders ridicule all the more.

Bite your lip and leave,
And fly away,
Out of the green shirt and and downed state of mind.
And....
....oh yeah
Leave the glasses behind.

Someone sacred,
Someone crying,
Someone on the inside,
dying

Your lack of is in this is annoying. Something is, wouldn't you say? Also, do you mean scared instead of sacred?

Why put those glasses and make yourself a fool?
Dropping your pride like an old greased stained shirt on the floor,
While bystanders ridicule all the more.

do you mean put on? I think "greasy" would be more exact than "greased strained".

Bite your lip and leave,
[s]And[/s] fly away,
Out of the green shirt and and downed state of mind.
And....
....oh yeah
Leave the glasses behind.

"And.../...oh yeah" is a useless line.

This poem had typos in places and gave off the feeling that you didn't really take the time to go over it at all when you posted it. Take better care of writing before posting it. Show that you put in at least enough effort to catch your mistakes; otherwise, why should I take my effort to critique you?

The topic of this poem wasn't anything spectacular, and though you are trying to say something worthwhile, it falls flat on its nerdy face, so to speak. Your rhyme scheme is faulty and stands out too strong, while your word choice and actual lines are bland and don't really do anything. Poetry, I believe, should cause the reader to think or feel something. What do you want your reader to feel?

The only metaphor you have here is about the greasy shirt, which isn't much of a metaphor. If you're going to write poetry, try to be poetic. That doesn't mean make it bursting with adjectives. It means to make what you say beautiful, and make it have meaning. Every word should be carefully chosen, and nothing should be in the poem that doesn't do something for the poem. I suggest you read poetry to see this in acts; the greats around this site know what they are doing: Incandescence, Fandilocks, Sam, Via, Leja, Caligulas_launderette. Read something by any of them, and hopefully you will understand what I'm talking about. Poetry isn't just a bunch of words strung together to talk about something; it has deeper meaning. (Not always, though. But in the least, it should provoke your reader to think or feel.)

My biggest suggestion is that you read poetry. I can't really say anything else, because you need to learn where to start. I hope this isn't too harsh of a critique; it is all honesty. And, I am more than willing to help you with any of the topics I mentioned, so if you have questions please feel free to PM me.

aestar101 wrote:Someone's sacred,
Someone's crying,
Someone's on the inside,
dying

Why put those glasses and make yourself a fool?
Dropping your pride like a old greased stained shirt on the floor,
While bystanders ridicule all the more.

Bite your lip and leave,
And fly away,
Out of the green shirt and and downed state of mind.
And....
....oh yeah
Leave the glasses behind.

This isn't a great poem, it doesn't give anything to the readers. You tell us stuff and it doesn't really make us feel anything. Worse still you use a cliche nerd. Not all people who are labled nerds wear glasses or jerseys. I've been called one because I read.

Overall: Think about this more. That's all I can say. Hope this helps.

Good luck
VSN

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Listening to: Protest the Hero - Bone Marrow
via FoxyTunes

I wrote it off the cusp. Its terrible I know.

It's not exactly terrible. People on here just complain a ton.

It does do the whole cliche thing with Nerds, but that's actually the only real problem I see here...

Krupp wrote:It's not exactly terrible. People on here just complain a ton.

It does do the whole cliche thing with Nerds, but that's actually the only real problem I see here...

Don't review the reviewer. If you don't like it then talk to the people don't bad mouth us behind our backs. We're honest and we only wish to make ya better, but sometimes it hurtful. Well yeah so a Publisher I bet. Now you may not agree how we work but don't act like we're wrong. We bother to give constructive criticism.

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Listening to: Anti-Flag - The Modern Rome Burning
via FoxyTunes

If I was badmouthing you I would have sent a pm. As it is, I really don't care what you think.

But I feel bad that I'm digressing from a piece that was the subject of this thread. And it's not that I'm thinking you're a horrible reviewer either, I'm sure you have your reasons. I'm just speaking my own aloud.

I didn't think the poem was that bad, but it didn't give a lot of details to the reader. i think if you have a little more time with this, the poem would be more enjoyable to read!!!! Good luck!

aestar101 wrote:Someone [scared?],
Someone crying,
Someone on the inside,
dying

please please please do not put any "is" in this. I think the rhythm in this is awesome. Don't weaken it by making everything passive. rise against the "is"! it rarely strengthens anything. I like this first stanza quite a bit.

aestar101 wrote:Why put those glasses and make yourself a fool?
Dropping your pride like a old greased stained shirt on the floor,
While bystanders ridicule all the more.

this part however certainly loses that awe factor for me. especially following such a rhythmically sound stanza. I think it is all a bit wordy. try to think of your message then portray it in as few words as possible. be concise.

aestar101 wrote:Bite your lip and leave,
And fly away,
Out of the green shirt and and downed state of mind.
And....
....oh yeah
Leave the glasses behind.

not a bad ending... i think it too is a bit wordy and could be trimmed down to get to the very root of the message. (I don't know how a green shirt associates someone with being a nerd). and while I like the thoughtful interruption of "And... / ....oh yeah", I think it can be done in a more concise fashion. For example

"bite your lip and leave,
forgetting insults now plaguing your mind
get up the courage, yeah
and leave those glasses behind"

Or something to that affect! If you're looking for any more help, I'd be happy to offer some. This poem has potential and with a good editing, it can be strong. Good luck!
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