Concertina (New version added)

Mother is downstairs,
Hesitant fingers asking
The concertina to sing
In the dimly lit kitchen.

It speaks slowly, new life
Taken into her arms
Long-barren of child.
Their growth intertwines.

And the shaky notes rising
Through my floor make me smile,
Each stretching fragment
of growing jigs and reels

says, no matter what,
She won’t be left behind
While others take
And re-take flight.

Hm, I liked this, but I don't understand the concept as such. Y'know, that's all I seem to be saying today! I think I have misplaced my brain somewhere.

I thought a concertina was that foldy thing that you do with paper to make like... A fan type effect. So, when I thought of this and then read your poem, I got totally confused because of the references to singing and such.

Hm, although I did really like this. It flowed along just nicely and you used some good imagery that made me feel quite nostalgic. I love poems like this, where the poet seems to be reminicing [spelling O.o], as it gives a nice personal touch to it.

Good work.
GingerLove

It's okay Ginger, I don't understand it either. At all.
It has good rythm and flow... it just doesn't make any sense to me.
Sorry I don't have time for an in-depth crit now. I'll do it later, promise.


*adna*

My mother is downstairs,
Her hesitant fingers asking
The concertina to sing
In the dimly lit kitchen. <This verse has really good rythm

It speaks slowly, new life
Taken into her arms <I really like this line, and the one just below it, good, unique imagery
Long-barren of child.
Their growth intertwines.

And the shaky notes rising
Through my floor make me smile, <For some reason, it just doesn't sound right when you say 'my' floor. You might change it to 'the' floor, for some reason that's always how I want to read it
A wish sailing softly
Into being, a promise

That, no matter what,
She won’t be left behind
While others take
And re-take flight. <I realize the pattern you were doing with this, but this last verse seems to short... maybe it's not even the number of lines, but the length of the lines. It just seems very abrupt and ruins the rythm between verses.


This is altogether very, very good. One reading it the second or third time, I understood it a lot better. I think I get the concertina thing now; I looked it up and it's an instrument! Now I feel very silly:) My apologies for saying it didn't make sense, it makes perfect sense now:) Awesome poem!


*adna*

This has a soothing, pretty quality to it, Jas. I really like it, it's very different to much of your poetry because while there's that sad melody mingled with the stanzas, there's also a strength and a happiness. A sort of feeling of companionship. It's nice. Here's a few suggestions -

My mother is downstairs, [I think this beginning could be stronger and would involve the reader more immediately if you took away the 'My' as in 'Mother is downstairs,']
Her hesitant fingers asking [Again, I think you should remove the pronoun. Maybe change the comma on the previous line to a dash and have this as 'Hesitant fingers asking' but I think asking is weak so maybe use something stronger. Inducing perhaps? Or instructing?]
The concertina to sing
In the dimly lit kitchen. [I like that there's some sense of setting but maybe try to make this atmosphere stronger. 'Dimly lit' is nice but how is it dimly lit? Is she playing by candle light or is there a stray beam or wisp of light that creeps past the shutters to dance across the table? I've seen you use some beautiful imagery so don't be so simple. Give the reader something to imagine!]

It speaks slowly, new life
Taken into her arms
Long-barren of child.
Their growth intertwines. [Very pretty but I'd love to see this extended and I think it would be really nice if you could ease the word 'nurtured' in there somewhere. Increase the metaphor that it's her child.]

And the shaky notes rising
Through my floor make me smile, [Through my floor is simple again, dear. Is it through floor-boards or is there a reed mat spread across them or a carpet? I want some setting. I get the feeling that this is set in the past in a slightly derelict but homely little cottage. It's probably different to the image in your mind. Tell the reader what you want them to see!]
A wish sailing softly
Into being, a promise [I think a semi colon rather than a comma in this line.]

That, no matter what,
She won’t be left behind
While others take
And re-take flight. [I think this ending could be stronger but it's pretty and it speaks of the freedom and escape that the persona has found while at the same time it is also a beginning for the mother.]

In general, this isn't the best of your poetry but it has a lot of potential and it's not negative love poetry so I command that you take another look at it, dear and see if you can make some improvements. Talk to you soon,

Heather xx

Well, first of all, I wanted to read it because it had something like an accordian in it, but it turned out to be really deep and cool. (Which is good) I'm not 100% on the topic, but I'm pretty sure it's about a mother and her child.... right?

It's my interpretation and I liked it. Cute!

~Nightfall

Thanks everyone. I've made some changes but, I don't know, I think I want to do a whole new draft, so I'll see what I can come up with...


Concertina

Mother sits
In a wooden chair,
window frame bringing
her portrait to life.

Counter in darkness,
cullinary duties
forgotten
now
that dinner
is finished,
and the lights above
her head are running
down her music sheets.

Hesitant fingers induce
the concertina to sing.
It speaks slowly,
words
pushed through it's teeth,
and maybe they'll
be right this time.

New life,
taken
into her arms
long barren of child.
Their growth intertwines.

I sit above
on my worn red rug
smiling as
shaky notes
push through my floor,
sliding up through the gaps
in the chippedwooden boards,

for each one promises
she won't be left behind
while others take
and retake flight.

Hello.
That was such a lovely poem - you probably already figured that out by the amount of people who've taken the time to comment!
It seemed to me as though it was something that really happened to you (i'm probably way of the mark here!) and you'd simply picked up pen and paper (or pencil... whatever really) and wrote through the inspiration.

To be honest, i think i prefer the original because it was so short - like a brief thought or a quick interjection to a busy life - and the lines are so simple and honest in structure.

My favourite is 'shaky notes rising through my floor make me smile' because it's such a god damn mellow line!!

Really well done, and please keep writing such lovely poetry. ^^