I Compare You To The Moon

The moon will always symbolize this
Because it reminds me of you,
The pale blank surface like your flawless skin,
The giant craters compared to your countless freckles covering your nose.

I feel certain that sometimes I see a face staring down at me from the night sky,
And I hear that familiar laugh
See the beautiful brown.
Sometimes I even feel those warm hands on my face,
Wiping away my ever-falling, meddlesome hair
And then the undescribable sensation of your lips pressing on mine.


Now my trance ends,
I look up at the moon and something is missing,
But as I turn around I swear I could hear that familiar laugh.

tennisprincess wrote:The moon will always symbolize this (Not a exellent hooks sounds like most lovers or whatever comparing there significant other to some amazing object)
Because it reminds me of you,
The pale blank surface like your flawless skin,
The giant craters compared to your countless freckles covering your nose. (Um... you say flawless skin the say craters... they're supposed to be frekles... I'm confused.)

I feel certain that sometimes I see a face staring down at me from the night sky, (Way too much telling could make this part more showing. Show this idea of him staring down.)
And I hear that familiar laugh
See the beautiful brown.
Sometimes I even feel those warm hands on my fake*(?unsure)* (What is this puntuaction in aid of? Seriously it looks so forced and only mean to shout, "Look at me!") face,
Wiping away my ever-falling, meddlesome hair ('Meddlesome? Rebellious would be a better word. Hair doesn't meddle.)
And then the heaven of your lips pressing on mine. (OH sweet lord... a cliche... come up with something original. Comparing a kiss to heaven. So overdone.)


Now the trance ends, (Trance... what were you hypnotised? Trance is when you don't realize what's going on. Dream, or some other word would be better.)
I look up at the moon and something is missing,
And as I turn around I swear i could hear that familiar laugh. (Cute... but you never once explain what was supposedly missing. So cute don't cute cut it)

Overall: You choose a cliche theme, using confusing terminology, and contridicting yourself some points. It tell all. Never once letting the readers into this emotional experience. And by the end, the readers couldn't care less. You start horribly and end rather dismally. If you added another stanza it could save this, maybe not. Hope this helps.

Good luck
VSN

----------------
Listening to: No Use For A Name - Hole
via FoxyTunes

Now the trance ends,
I look up at the moon and something is missing....

I begin to feel this anticipation, that it's going to burst in the end and swallow me whole with amazement.

And as I turn around I swear i could hear that familiar laugh.

[b]-_- Disappointing. I was actually looking forward to a more stunning and interesting ending. Sorry but that spoiled all of it.


Luck with next time though. Change it if you may. -_-

Nonetheless, it was pretty good. Just a few little changes that Vernon has pointed out. [erg...] then the ending...you're good to go!
<3 JACE

That is so a dramticy Pome