Courage

Okay. It's just something I had to write for English class; and, being me, it naturally was written the day before. It needs major work (duh). I'd appreciate any advice so this little stinker can be made... somewhat acceptable as poetry.

---

An ocean wave of choice and fear,
it rose above his head
-to join a fight of wizened men
and walk where none have tread.

To stay at home within the bounds
of safety and old peace
wouldn't bring joy like as to quelling
wars of worlds that cannot cease.

The voices in the background sounded,
dripping with their scorn.
Their petty words could make no mark
-to a higher cause was he sworn.

Courage, christened David
whose Goliath standing tall,
is held beside his fate,
to steady him from the fall.

---

I leave it to you now to chew it to bits and tell me how to make it better. Thank you.

Chew it to bits? I shall do my best, but really I think you have quite a sound piece of work here.

Your rhythm was almost perfect. Just a couple trouble spots:
"To stay at home within the bounds
of safety and old peace
wouldn't bring joy like as to quelling
wars of worlds that cannot cease. " --Where you have the word quelling. Something's not right in there. That line goes a bit too long, I think. And I don't really get that sentence either. Something about the way you arrange the words is confusing.

Otherwise, I'm very hard put to find much else wrong with it. Punctuation is good, capitalization, phrasing, rhythm, imagery, word choice, everything is excellent. I think that's all that's left for me to say, except, good job!

*checks to make sure it looks like a review*

Keep writing:)


*adna*

Very nice! I just love narrative poetry and this was a good job of one!

Overall, pretty good

I do agree with Adnamarine about that particular stanza:

Cold And Broken Halleluja wrote:To stay at home within the bounds
of safety and old peace
wouldn't bring joy like as to quelling
wars of worlds that cannot cease.

I think it should read something like this (changes in bold):

To stay at home within the bounds
of safety and old peace,
could not bring joy like quelling wars
of worlds that cannot cease

Other than that, I liked it. Good work

Josh

The rhythm was so good I conducted it with my hand.

The one bit has been torn up, and the only other thing I see is

Courage, christened David
whose Goliath standing tall,
is held beside his fate,
to steady him from the fall.

him from I stumbled on a bit, very minor, but maybe:

to steady his fatal fall --- kinda changes it to much though

It's really is fine the way it is though.
Maybe you ought to try more of this, because this is quite exceptional.

RW

Okay, I'm not gonna chew out the poem. Breathe! This is actually pretty decent. I like the rhymes. You have a wide variety of vocab which is a good advantage in poetry. I love the condensing language and the word choice.

You're far too harsh, this was nothing short of great. Seriously I wasn't expecting David and Goliath. Some of it is worded awkwardly though:

To stay at home within the bounds
of safety and old peace
wouldn't bring joy like as to quelling
wars of worlds that cannot cease.

The voices in the background sounded,
dripping with their scorn.
Their petty words could make no mark
-to a higher cause was he sworn.

Both these stanza seem to fall apart kinda. But it's a great sound poem with a reasonably original idea. Maybe for some future reference, you could try and explain David's fears rather than just telling a story show it.

Overall: You do well at some of it, but a poem like should be more action-packed. Just keep trying and pm me if ya edit it.

Good luck
VSN