The Stabbing Spring

6 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 2059
Reviews 34
I wrote this for school but decided to post it on here to see what you guys think.
-----------------------------------------------------

Like a sword splits through flesh, a sharp green stab
The cold ground cracks. The world fills with delight.
Peeking, the flowers pierce the earth so drab.
They illuminate a world without light

Now as this glow wanders across the land
it lives and breaths life to all in it’s path.
So minute, at the start, but now so grand
Overcoming winter’s somber grey wrath

"Spring is here!" the world excitedly cheers
Everything now cries its happy tears.
Last edited by CaitE Baloney on Sun Apr 06, 2008 10:47 pm, edited 4 times in total.
"No tears in the writer, no tears in the reader."-Robert Frost

"Dreams are the future in rough draft."




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 1395
Reviews 565
Now as this glow wonders across the land


Should be "wanders."

Spring is here the world excitedly cheers.


Maybe "Spring is here!" the world excitedly cheers.

Well, that's about all.
"The one thing you can't trade for your heart's desire is your heart."
Miles Vorkosigan

"You can be an author if you learn to paint pictures with words."
Brian Jacques




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 2059
Reviews 34
Thanks for the critique I haven't written much poetry.

Cait
"No tears in the writer, no tears in the reader."-Robert Frost

"Dreams are the future in rough draft."




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 105
This is a well written poem, but I would call it a bit too flowery. By this I mean that there are a lot of extra adjectives where simply the 'bare bones' and more striking and meaningful.
Like a sword spits through flesh, a sharp green stab 'spits' should be 'splits' :D
The cold ground cracks and the world fills with delight.
Peeking the flowers pierce the earth so drab. Um, 'peeking the flowers' ??? It might make sense with a comma after peeking
They illuminate a world without light

Now as this glow wonders across the land Comma after 'now', and 'wonders'=wanders
it lives and breaths life to all in it’s path.
So minute, at the start, but now so grand
Overcoming winter’s somber grey wrath

Spring is here the world excitedly cheers As one example of the 'floweryness' I would take out 'excitedly'
Everything now cries its happy tears.

I think that if you cut this down by taking out some adjectives. it would be a lot better. But even so , this is a beautiful and unique spring poem. :D
Of course it's happening in your mind, but why on earth should that mean it isn't real?




Random avatar
Gender Male
Points 1040
Reviews 8
That was very good. Keep it up!




Random avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 12
Well I enjoyed it even thought I don't really like Spring but your A,B,A,B C,D,C,D E,E. You did a nice job



So verily with the hardship, there is a relief, verily with the hardship, there is a relief.
— Quran Ch 94:5-6