Oh the shame..

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Oh, the shame
of what this world became
of how the memories no longer remain
Have we all forgotten the happiness
that once came down in the rain?

Oh the shame
of all the glory and fame
That made the world lose its wild horse's mane
and put us in misery and pain
that drove us...insane

Oh the shame!
of the selfishness and tame
that caused the falling crimson droplets from wrists being maimed
How could we have let them take us down?
I cry ashamed

Oh the shame...


[So I know it's the not best, really I know. It's a really old poem of mine. Go ahead and say anything. I'll take it in no matter how harsh, if it is harsh. Just so you know, I'm not good with punctuation either. So I could use some pointers.]
Last edited by Keisha-Ann on Mon Apr 14, 2008 1:04 pm, edited 1 time in total.




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Hello, Keisha-Ann. You asked for a nit-picky critique, I give you one...

The idea of this was quite good. I'm not usually a fan of the whole rhyming almost every last word, but I'm okay with it this time. A+ for idea, my friend.

Now, grammar and such things...

Oh the shame


Might sound better as Oh, the shame

of what this world became
of how the memories no longer remain
Have we all forgotten the happiness that once came down in the rain?


I would say either capitalize the first letter of every line or get rid of the capitalization on the last line. The last line might also sound better broken into two.

that made the world lose it's wild horses mane


That made the world lose its wild horse's mane. (Grammar check :D )

Oh the shame!
of the selfishness and tame
that caused the falling crimson droplets from wrists being slain


To tell you the truth, this confused me. Of the selfishness and tame...why the tame? Is it just because it rhymes. Enlighten me, please. And wrists being slain= spooky. Wrists being maimed might work better, as slain means killed.

Here ya' go, friend.

Ky
"Many suffer from the incurable disease of writing, and it becomes chronic in their sick minds." —Juvenal (AD 60-130)

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Lady Kyra wrote:To tell you the truth, this confused me. Of the selfishness and tame...why the tame? Is it just because it rhymes.
Ky


This is what threw me off as well. But that's about it. Otherwise I was impressed with the rhyming of the piece. I can't rhyme to save my life.
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