Tell me I'm in love: Review #2

“Tell me I’m in Love”

My dreams almost came true
When I first laid my eyes upon you
I hate it when we part
I’d love to hit re-start

Please God tell me I’m in love
Looking at this angel from above
Am I doing something wrong?
This is not a love song

You walk by, looking at me
You glide away carelessly
I stand in a pit of shame
Wishing you knew my name

Please God tell me I’m in love
Looking at this angel from above
Am I doing something wrong?
This is not a love song

If only you knew how I feel
I think our love could be real
And I know I could make a deal
It’s your heart that I wish to steal

Please God tell me I’m in love
Looking at this angel from above
Am I doing something wrong?
This is not a love song

Please God, oh please God
Now I know that this is love
Watching this women from above
I’m not doing anything wrong
This is, oh yes this is a love song

Shoryu wrote:“Tell me I’m in Love”

This is not a love songMy dreams almost came true
When I first laid my eyes upon you
I hate it when we part
I’d love to hit re-start

Please God tell me I’m in love
Looking at this angel from above
Am I doing something wrong?


You walk by, looking at me
You glide away carelessly
I stand in a pit of shame
Wishing you knew my name

Please God tell me I’m in love
Looking at this angel from above
Am I doing something wrong?
This is not a love song

If only you knew how I feel
I think our love could be real
And I know I could make a deal
It’s your heart that I wish to steal

Please God tell me I’m in love
Looking at this angel from above
Am I doing something wrong?
This is not a love song

Please God, oh please God
Now I know that this is love
Watching this women from above
I’m not doing anything wrong
This is, oh yes this is a love song[/quote]

Welcome to YWS. I'm Rick. I hope you enjoy the site as much as we all do. After you get 25 reviews, you can access the YWS chatroom and talk about any work you're doing, ask for crits for anything, ask anyone if they have something they want/need critted, and/or just hang out in and talk about your day. Before you post your own work, you need atleast two crits. I see that you've done that. Good job! Feel free to PM me if you have any questions/concerns about anything.

Bye.

-Rick.

I really liked this p;iece. I love the rhyming and rhythm. I do want to point out a couple of off key spots I'm gonna correct for you.

My dreams almost came true
When I first laid my eyes upon you
I hate it when we part
I’d love to hit re-start

"When I first laid my eyes upon you" Try to make it say, "When I first laid my eyes on you"

Please God, tell me I’m in love
Looking at this angel from above
Am I doing something wrong?
This is not a love song

Other than them two things, good job! Keep up the good work!

-Rick.

Personally, I feel this should go in the Lyrics forum because they are song lyrics. Perhaps a mod can move it for you...

Overall, I liked this, but I have a few things to point out.

When I first laid my eyes upon you

There's too many syllables. Maybe just "The day I first saw you", or something like that.

Watching this women from above

I presume you're watching one woman from above? Unless you are watching multiple women, in which case it's "these women".

Overall, I liked it, especially the chorus. Good job and keep writing!

Niteowl - Thanks niteowl I completely missed that and yes it's one woman so I'll go back and fix that.

Rickage - Thanks for the tips and I'll fix them but the second part that you said needs to be corrected doesn't have any tips for me.