To Be invisible

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Imagine that you are a helpless child,
Young rambunctious and wild.
Living in a place were you cold be taken into the bush
And be lost forever
At
Any
Time

To walk around in shoes that don’t fit,
Meanwhile over an iPod you are throwing a fit.
Wishing your parents understood you.
Try living in an orphanage
Where your parents died of AIDS
In a place that you can’t get aid
Because no one cares about you
Because you are invisible.

Running everywhere at night to find a spot,
Or else you'll be caught.
Trained and brainwashed
Like a robot.
Only taught to kill,
And kill,
And kill,
You try to hold your tears in
Or else you’ll be butchered on the spot.

How ‘bout being a casualty
In a war that’s not yours to fight.

Appreciate the house you live,
The bed you sleep, and all the thought that you are aloud to keep.
Some children aren’t so lucky.
They sleep in damp corridors,
Hoping tat they are not the one for Joseph to take.

You probably didn’t know all this.
You could pick up a paper and find it,
All you’ll see is celebrity babies
And Paris getting a DUI.
Why don’t they show a picture of a baby?
Starved ‘till his mouth was dry.
Who cares about Paris and her DUI?

Why will no one cross the line?
Why no one dares to care?
It because they don’t notice,
Seen though like a cellophane wrapper.
But someone saw,
Three young American guys who went beyond themselves
To see a war the ceased to exist.
They documented
And they didn’t care if they were never to be seen
As long as the story was told.

To be invisible
Is to not be seen
Those children are not invisible,
Just no one wants to see them.
Lets open our eyes.
Character is what you have left when you've lost everything you can lose. - Evan Esar
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This was very thought provoking and there was a lot of emotion behind it. I know the topic that the poem refers to as I watched a Bob Geldof documentary about it.

To walk around in shoes that don’t fit,
Meanwhile over an iPod you are throwing a fit.
Wishing your parents understood you.
Try living in an orphanage
Where your parents died of AIDS
In a place that you can’t get aid
Because no one cares about you
Because you are invisible.

This paragraph, although full of meaning, seems a little out of sorts with the rest of the poem. I like the way that you compare lifestyles, but you don't continue this so it seems a little random. Also, the rhyming in certain places throws the rhythm off.

Appreciate the house you live,
The bed you sleep, and all the thought that you are aloud to keep.

Live in? Sleep in? I see that it can work without but it is awkward.

You could pick up a paper and find it,

You contradict yourself as you go on to say that you wouldn't find it. Consider re-phrasing?

It because they don’t notice,

It should be 'it's'.

To be invisible
Is to not be seen
Those children are not invisible,
Just no one wants to see them.
Lets open our eyes.

A good dramatic ending but it could be made even better. Perhaps:
To be invisible
Is to not be seen
Those children are not invisible,
It's just that no one want to see them.

Lets open our eyes.
Or something to that effect.

Overall, I liked the passion, but I think your punctuation needs a bit of work. I'm not too good on that so I'd say take a look at some of the articles on YWS.

Keep it up,
Alainna
xxx
Sanity is for the unimaginative.

Got YWS?




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Points 890
Reviews 370
Wow aestar! I really enjoyed, some mature points were mentioned.

Imagine that you are a helpless child,
Young rambunctious and wild.
A semicolon may work better than a comma here.

Living in a place were you could be taken into the bush
My corrections. I love this stanza and the last three lines are very effective.

To walk around in shoes that don’t fit,
Meanwhile over an iPod you are throwing a fit[s].[/s],
Wishing your parents understood you.
A comma would work better here, methinks.

Hoping that they are not the one for Joseph to take.
My corrections, good line :wink:.

The bed you sleep in,

It is because they don’t notice,


To be invisible
Is to not be seen
Those children are not invisible,
Just no one wants to see them.
Lets open our eyes.

I reckon a comma at the end of 'seen'.

Alright, so grammar aside.

I really enjoyed that! A very effective piece and a great ending. It confused me a little to start, but you made up for that, so don't worry.

Great job!
-Mark
We are all Sociopaths: The Prologue

Sociopath: So • ci • o • path noun
1. Someone who believes their behaviour is right.
2. Human.



We are the music makers, and we are the dreamers of dreams.
— Arthur O'Shaughnessy