Oh Baby, How could you?

Oh baby, how could you?


oh baby I loved you so much
I tried to tell you but you ignored me.
I thought of you day and night and
I tried to show you that I love you
but all you saw was her
Your eyes were too busy to look at me.
I tried to show you my body
but you looked at her
I tried to loosen my buttons
but you loosened hers
I tried to give you all I had
but you took from her
oh baby I loved you more than the world
But you loved her
I saw you making out with her
I tried to blink back my tears
but i couldn't handle it
I tried, baby
I never gave on you baby and
I hoped you noticed me
From the moment I saw you
I knew I loved you
You told me you loved me and that I was yours,
But baby, are you mine?
What happened to that kiss?
To that promise?
Oh baby, you hurt me so.
I saw you making out
I saw you from my window.
I saw you slipping of her shirt
I tried waking up
I thought it was all a dream
I was so sure you loved me
but I realized what I saw was real.
I tried to calm myself
but I just couldn't handle it
oh baby how could you?
I left a note for you
I told you I gave up
I told you I was heart broken
I told you I still loved you.
oh baby when I'm gone
don't break another girl's heart who loves you
oh baby when I'm gone at least think about me
I know deep down beneath the sand where I shall rest in peace
I will still be thinking about you
I'll still remember you and
will remember what you did to me
oh baby how could you?

Interesting.

You have quite a few neglected capitalization-needing words, especially 'I' a few times. A couple of times, you need to capitalize the "Oh" in "Oh baby". Also, punctuation really needs to be here. Commas, periods, etc. All are a bit lacking.

I never gave up on you, baby

Anyway, nitpicking aside, I liked it. The subject matter has been done a thousand times, but you still managed to put a twist on it. I liked how you used the girl trying to get his attention with her body. So many times this sort of thing is done and the girl just whines and doesn't do anything about it. Not that I necessarily agree with using sex for love, but it is realistic. Makes her sound even sadder and more believable.

Very nice.

*thumbs up*

~GryphonFledgling

Uhh, this is uhh, interesting. It's a bit graphic but it's okay since you rated it anyway. I was nice. Emotions are very strong which is good.

You started most of your lines with, 'I' and I'm not complaining; but it might be better if you considered starting a few of the lines with different words or phrases the poem won't sound so animated. This is just an example:

I left you a note
I told you I gave up
I told you I was heartbroken
I told you I still loved you

Try doing this instead: (Don't literally follow my example, but you get the point.)

Left you a note today,
it mentioned I was giving up
and that I was heartbroken.
But I still love you regardless.

at any rate, not a bad start for a try at poetry. A lot better than what I did when I first started out.

There was something about this that made me want to read it all, yet made me feel like it was lacking something.

Punctuation was a big problem in this as you can't read it with a good flow if there is no punctuation. This might help: viewarticlebody.php?t=18791

Another thing is that although there is a lot of emotion in this it seems to not be oozing out as much as it could. Try to be more specific, try to pin point little things that hurt. For example, when you talk about kisses and buttons it is more emotive than just 'I love you'. Also, try not to ruin the effect of repetition by repeating absolutely everything.

I saw you slipping of her shirt

*off

I know deep down beneath the sand where I shall rest in peace

A bit too long for the style of the poem.

Overall, this was a good attempt (better than my poetry!) and you have shown potential.

All the best,
Alainna
xxx

I liked some parts, such as loosening the buttons, but the entire thing was awash in "I" and "Oh baby". Repetition has its place, but you overdo it and it takes away from the poem. A few are alright, but don't go overboard. And I agree with Krupp that your lines shouldn't all start with I.

Punctuation and stanzas would also do this some good. At the moment, it's hard to tell where thoughts and ideas begin and end.

I think if you cleaned up your format and took out some of the repetition, this would be good. Keep writing!