The Final Performance of the Night

This is really good! Maybe add more description to it to make it more compelling.

I've got some things to critique on, grammar-wise...

They've all gathered to see my final curtain call. My stage made of earth and stone.

Try to combine these sentences together...possibly with a comma and the word "on".

My final audience is bigger than I expected, I guess my life meant more to people than I believed.

Instead of a comma, try using a semi-colon or a dash.

The brilliant orchestra compose a sorrow tune, heard from six feet below the onlookers feet.

Put an "s" on the end of "compose", and add an apostrophe to "onlookers". "Onlookers" comes up towards the end, too.

As the last chord dies, tears fill the audiences eyes and throw lilies at my feet.

Add an apostrophe to "audiences". Also, make it sound more specific of what, or who, thows lilies at the narrator's feet. Right now it sounds like the tears are the throwers. Try and make that more clear.

Be still my darlings, for your end is my beginning.

I really like this ending! It sounds kinda mysterious.


I agree that comma usage is something to work on, but this is an awesome piece of work! I want to read more of it!

PM me if you have any questions! Great job!

-Nat

Hello!

The brilliant orchestra compose a sorrow tune, heard from six feet below the onlookers feet.

I think this should be something like "The brilliant orchestra composes a sorrowful tune, heard from six feet below the onlookers' feet." Also, a minor detail: to compose music is to write music--the orchestra isn't writing it, they're just playing it. ^_~

As the last chord dies, tears fill the audiences eyes and throw lilies at my feet.

Should be: "As the last chord dies, tears fill the audience member's eyes and they throw lilies at my feet."
---------------

Overall, I think you could use some more description and imagery, but I guess that's up to you. *shrug*

Interesting piece you've got here, m'dear! *gold star*

PM me with comments/questions!
~Azila~

Not bad. I don't see how it's a poem. Maybe it belongs in other poetry? But it's fairly good. I disliked the topic but the writing was fine. It needs maybe a bit of editing before it's published but I could see it in a book someday. 7/10

find_the_reason wrote:Hey I just wrote this off the top of my head and I would like critiquers to help me with comma placement because I'm not very good at that, so if I missed some or put some in the wrong place please tell me. Thank you.


They've all gathered to see my final curtain call. My stage made of earth and stone. My final audience is bigger than I expected, I guess my life meant more to people than I believed. They cannot see me sitting with them as we all watch my final dance of the evening. The brilliant orchestra compose a sorrow tune, heard from six feet below the onlookers feet. As the last chord dies, tears fill the audiences eyes and throw lilies at my feet. I grab one and hold it to my breast and look upon the heavens. A light rain falls, mingling with the onlookers faces, obscuring their sorrow. I curtsy once more and they bid me farewell as the light envelopes me. Be still my darlings, for your end is my beginning.

This is really good. I don't like how it's written though. The way you wrote it, makes it look like a short story. Try to seperate this into stanzas. Other than that, I like the flow. The rythem is good. Just fix that one small error and you're good to go. I hope this helps and keep up the good work.

-Rick.

Its good,but it needs more description. Your poem also seems like a short story,I don't like the way it was wrote. Just fix these problems and it would be perfect.
=]

I see how this could be intended as more of a prose-poem (and it's almost there!), but the way it's structured makes it really more of a flash fiction piece.

The brilliant orchestra compose a sorrow tune, heard from six feet below the onlookers feet. As the last chord dies, tears fill the audiences eyes and throw lilies at my feet. I grab one and hold it to my breast and look upon the heavens. A light rain falls, mingling with the onlookers faces, obscuring their sorrow.

There's a good start here, given all the images of the orchestra and the rain, but it's really all action. I would understand this series of events the same way if I were reading it or if I were there watching the funeral (this is a nice analogy, by the way ^_^), and there's description which modifies most things, but no description unto itself, and that gives the feeling of just breezing through the event rather than standing in the middle of it and really getting a feel for what's going on.