I Found a Heart in San Francisco

The italicized parts are spoken (they're from Lolita, by the by).
Oh, and bolded = chorus

~~~~
You can always count on a murderer for a fancy prose style...

I was staring down this west-side street
it the gunman, I the crook,
let's call it "San Francisco"
it missed the heat but had the look.
You chuckled from the gutter,
half-drowned in chowder and sweat;
You loved in only oils and red,
I loved you in a hole in my chest.

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, exhibit number one is what the seraphs, the misinformed, simple, noble-winged seraphs, envied. Look at this tangle of thorns.


My aims are shot like muskets,
as soldiers crawl out these veins, this gun
you march them out, and out, and up it
redcoats, every bleeding one
[chorus is always repeated]

Later that year, you were soaked in liqueur
dripped apart, stuffed in a sock.
I'm still smiling as I hang it up,
this is all my fault.
But the fat man, all in reds and furs
was dropped in hell that day
(I would've loved to go with him)
like a lobster in a boiling pot
(but you wouldn't show me the way)
oh how he sang, and sang, and sang!

Chorus
redcoats, every laughing one
Chorus
redcoats, every dying one.

I wanted to see a funeral
you wanted to paint the sky
but I never really learned how to follow you
just like you never really knew how to die.
Still, you were ripped out one summer
and left in the bay
by a high-browed girl with an Aryan eye
in a lazy way
I turned to the sea and cresting waves
But they laughed and rolled away
and "so it goes" was all they'd say.
"So it goes" was all they said, they say.
~~~~~

I'm thinking about adding another little Lolita excerpt, but I don't know....
Thoughts?


EDIT: I know the first half of the chorus sucks. I'm planning on rewriting that, anyway...

I don't normally read lyrics, but heck, if you're going to crawl around the site and post things than I, by default, most read them and throw giant pieces of my heart at you. Props for quoting Lolita! I'm glad to have twisted your arm into reading that.

I'm not sure why, but I think I love your poetry a lot more than your lyrics. Not that I don't love this, but I prefer having less, and with a poem you just play around, here it seems to just twist around music and isn't... I don't know? Honestly I'm not entirely sure what I'm saying here. What kind of genre would this be for/temp?

For the most part this was good, but like I said it isn't the same as your poetry. Your poetry always packs a punch, but this was just a song. Haha, again, I can't explain it. But there are some parts I loved, so I'll point those out.

You loved in only oils and red,
I loved you in a hole in my chest.

oils and red, a painter and perhaps blood? Then the second line is beautifully unique.

My aims are shot like muskets,
as soldiers crawl out these veins, this gun
you march them out, and out, and up it
redcoats, every bleeding one

I love the visual of "soldiers crawl out these veins, this gun you march them out". It's amazing. I also love the redcoat deal, because I've become a bit of a Revolutionary War nerd, haha.

But the fat man, all in reds and furs
was dropped in hell that day
like a lobster in a boiling pot
oh how he sang, and sang, and sang!

Generally, I don't like this part, or this stanza, because I can't understand how it fits into the rest. And maybe that's why I like your song less--I can't interpret it like your poetry? Or perhaps my brain has gone missing. Anyway, though I'm not incredebly fond of it, I do love "oh how he sang, and sang, and sang." Makes me think of how lobsters shriek when you put them into boiling pots, and the fat man, and it's chilling and a nice job. Perhaps you could remove the commas? Hahha, although lyrics are meant to be sung, so the visual aspect of that might not even matter.

but I never really learned how to follow you
just like you never really knew how to die.

"never really knew" is a long, tongue clutching sort of phrase as it is. Having it twice just kills, especially in the second line. I don't know, reading it doesn't work for me. It works, and you could leave it in, but I think you could say it wittier.

[Pardon the part about not understanding the second stanza, sort of? I think I understand what the speaker carries around now. ^_~ Took a few seconds! But I still don't understand, why the fat man...? Hm.]

Still, you were ripped out one summer
and left in the bay
by a high-browed girl with an Aryan eye
in a lazy way
I turned to the sea and cresting waves
But they laughed and rolled away
and "so it goes" was all they'd say.
"So it goes" was all they said, they say.

I really love this part, but of course I want to smack you for not having a period somewhere in between it all because I can't figure out where the sentence ends! At least put "and" before "in a lazy way"! Oh, but the first part is beautiful. And the second part, "But they laughed and rolled away/and "so it goes" was all they'd say/"So it goes" was all they said." is really beautiful. Perhaps the best part of the whole song. But: "they'd say", "they said", "they say". I believe I understand what you're going for, yet I don't like that. I think it's too much you're shoving into a general area, and it sounds better with just "they'd say" in both lines, and just that. No repetition. Singing it as it is, I think, would be a mouthful, and not so graceful.


So! I suppose I like it. I think over the first and second read I figured it is simply missing your poetic beauty, knack for word choice and cute phrases that are the basis for your poetry. You're a poetic genius--why not use it here, as well? Poetry is song. For all it matters, you need not conform to the general verse-chorus-verse style, even. If you can sing it, it's a song. I think, especially with your talent that I fawn about, you could completely toss the rules of song writing, and just throw yourself into it. Write, freely, expressively. Or simply sing your poetry.

The only question is, when do I get to hear you sing? ^_~ G'luck, mon amour!