The Princess and the Bee

I did this for a school project. It's kind of in the style of cowboy poetry. A poetry writer I am not so any suggestions are more than welcome!


My life was real grand, as the show mare “Princess Tycoon”.
I had it all, a stall, a stylist, and ten shiny saddles new,
But my perfect world went down in flames
When my owner read “Trail Riding: Fun as Games”!

“It’ll be alright, you’ll have fun”, she crooned,
But I was in doubt as she raved of the view.
Before I could blink, she rigged me from nose to tail
With everything from reflectors to saddlebags for the trail.
I sighed at the thought of my regular style of silver and rhinestones all the while.

The next thing I knew, I was ascending along
With a pony in front and a mule up my tail.
“Oh, this is fun” I murmured in disgust,
“I look a disgrace, this is so unjust!”

Then out of the blue a monster appeared!
In a yellow and black flash it made for my tail.
As I spun around to fight off the fiend, I collided with the mule,
Sending him into hysterics and my owner’s sight red, she shouted “It’s only a bee you fool!”
It’s not my fault I didn’t know what it was; she equipped my stall with FlyFighterPlus!

As I received the silent treatment from in front and behind,
I hung my head in embarrassment of my juvenile little cry.
“Oh dear, what a mess I’ve made” I thought in reflection,
“What can I do to clean up this disconnection?”

Lost in my thoughts of untangling this problem,
I casually glanced down, stopping midstride
And found my foot dangling over a crack in the earth!
I whinnied, snorted, and spun in horror, as the others said “It’s a stream” with mirth.
Looking for a place to hide, I reminisced my wonderful old life.

I groaned with mortification,
Could this day get any worse?
Just then, the fingers of some poky monster had me as their catch.
“Jumping Jehosiphat!” my owner exclaimed, “You just landed us in a briar patch!
“Those trail classes lie” I grumbled, “They’re nothing like I’ve suffered at all”.

These are just a few of the perils that I was traumatized by.
In just 24 hours I looked a fool, with a chastened complexion and reputation too.
There is a lesson to be learned by all from this exploitive act,
Show Mares, if you love your pampered life, act with tact!
Don’t let your owners read or you’ll end up with strife.

*awes* It's really good, the title caught my eye right away. Very creative I think. I think you should expand it and make it more love able than it already is. If you have any questions go ahead and PM me but other than that it reeks of awesomeness! Awesome writing and keep it up!

-Max

I fear that I am not a poetry expert either, so I can't really help you there, but I did have to comment on this poem.

I loved the story it told, and the way it was from the horse's POV. Sounds to me that the horse is perfectly justified and it is the irresponsible owner who should be ashamed of themselves.

Very nice how you made the horse pampered without being a brat that was easy to hate. Instead, I simply find myself identifying with the poor girl. Personally, I am more of a trail person than a show ring freak, but one can't help but feel sorry for the poor horse.

Very nice story to the poem at the very least!

*thumbs up*

~GryphonFledgling

Hello.

This was very amusing. What captured me was your title. For some reason I thought it captivating...

Anyway, good job on the comic.

Keep writing.

I love the title. I also love the poem and I think it is a credit to you that by the time I'd finished reading I was thinking about how horrible the poor horse's owner is!
I think you should try extending the poem, maybe by showing us more of her life before the trail?
Keep writing,
Bkwrm

Wow, thank you all for taking the time to review this. It is much appreciated. Glad you all liked this piece. Amazing, no bashings yet .

GryphonFledgling: That's cool that you do trail riding . I myself do a mix of riding in shows and on the trail. What discipline do you ride?

The story itself is really cute, and like most of the others, the perspective of the horse is fun, because we all kind of do that in our heads sometimes, imagining what they're thinking.

There are parts that are written better than others, particularly because you jump back and forth between rhyming and un-rhyming, rhythmic and arhythmic, changing patterns a lot.

Not that I'm one to talk - I've done ...1... highly structured poem, and I definitely tend toward the free style form like in Oroborous. It does help if you pick one way or another though

Wow this story was very wonderful! The horse's point of view! Brilliant!

The title is an eye-catcher!

I love your concept, and your writing style is really cute! It was a good story with a lovely little lesson, and I liked it a lot.

Sometimes, though, your scheme got a little off, like:

“It’ll be alright, you’ll have fun”, she crooned,
But I was in doubt as she raved of the view.
Before I could blink, she rigged me from nose to tail
With everything from reflectors to saddlebags for the trail.
I sighed at the thought of my regular style of silver and rhinestones all the while.

You suddenly changed to a five line stanza, which was kind of weird, and you didn't split the rhyme between the halves of the last verse. It should probably be something like:

I sighed at the thought of my regular style,
Of silver and rhinestones all the while.

And sometimes you didn't keep with the rhyme at all, like:

The next thing I knew, I was ascending along
With a pony in front and a mule up my tail.

That was kind of strange, but in the end, I got what you were trying to convey. A little editing magic and your poem will be shiny and grand!

Great job!

~Nightfall

Thank you all! I really appreciate it.