“My story”

“My story”

I came to America from Italy. Initially, I didn’t comprehend English but luckily, people helped me learn the language The boat trip was horrible, I was in the lower level under the deck packed with a copious number of people. The voyage took about two weeks and many people died due to disease. But when we saw the statue of liberty it was amazing . At Ellis island I endured a process of questioning and a physical exam. Due to nativism it was hard for me to find a job because no one wanted to hire a foreigner. Also, it was hard for me to find a place to stay because I had only a few dollars to my name but luckily, I knew some people that lived in America so, I am currently living with them. I hope to find a job later.

IS this your story, or your character's? ^_~

This is too short, and frankly, it doesn't have much of a point to it.

Initially, I didn’t comprehend English but luckily, people accommodated me in the studying of the idiom.

All those long words make it stilted. What's the study of the idiom, anyway?

The voyage took about two week, and many people died due to disease.

Week = weeks

Add in and to make it flow better.

But when I saw the statue of liberty it was bathe taking.

Missed word = I

Bathe taking = breath taking? Not sure whether it's one word or what.


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This needs more in it to enable it to stand up. Right now, there's no dialogue, no descriptions, just a "this happened, that happened, and then such and such a thing came to pass".

The initial idea, if you want to continue this, has potential. The story of a person's struggle to fit into a different culture and country could make a good story.

Add more, expand and add colour! Make it rounded and detailed. At present this is one big triangle, and you need to add lots more little triangles onto it so it becomes a snowflake.

Happy tweaking!

^ what she said. it could be wonderful - just add some color. do some family history research. look at pictures of new york to take a good look at the statue of liberty. think about what it would have felt like to come to the Land of Opportunity. put yourself in the moment.

Yeah, I have the same question...is this your story or a character you thought up?

But I think this has potential. You have a good start here but make it more exciting. Add some horrible storm on the way over or they get lost along the way to America. (maybe not as unhappy as I'm suggesting ) but something to give it some character, you know?

That's really all I got for nit-picks!