for brad (unfinished)

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You send me snippets of little books of poetry
oozing from that brilliant blue mind of yours
words beyond their prime
words a child (you are a child, you know?)
should never know
never feel
I think you feel much deeper than you'd like to admit
lest that little dark spot that ends every poem
.
might get a little too big and then where'd we be?
Your voice echoes of a clear midnight
speckled with stars and bare branches
dead and dancing against the cracked spackle of the night sky
you aren't nature at it's prime
you are the barren winter night
crisp
clean and echoing of some ominous lie
waiting in the tease of the not-yet-falling snow
I can see in the lifeless captures of your likeness
a claim to a person who does not exist,
not yet,
a person who begs life
through words scrawled on pages
stained with tears and trials
tribulation, the blood of your finger tips
and the blood of those who bleed for you
You are the forsaken of the Fates,
the prodigal-child-prodegy
a progeny of a some phallocentric ultimate father
(with a capital F)
who birthed you and then set you aside
just to see what might happen
sewing seeds of turned phrases and playing words
that grow open-eyed into the cold sky
only to whither
for what can survive without the sun?
These little muses dance briefly in the starlit open,
but the cloud cover cannot be avoided
and soon the full moon is plunged again into the caliginous eternal
of the blind snowfall of the mind
what would you be
man-child
without these dead muses
scattered on the dark ground
(now indecernable from the dark sky)
would you still wave your branches
and let your blue velvet voice echo?
brave the world without the moon
and that honeyed resonation will ring clear
one can hear without the eyes
close yours
and leap
Sing lustily and with a good courage. Beware of singing as if you were half dead, or half asleep; but lift up your voice with strength.




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this is my first decent piece in a long time, i'd really appreciate some feedback
Sing lustily and with a good courage. Beware of singing as if you were half dead, or half asleep; but lift up your voice with strength.




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this is a sweet poem. I am not good with feedback but I'll tell you this, once brad gets his hands on this he'll never live it down but still he'll point out every mistake of yours. .... crap I'm late




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That was brilliant. I absolutely loved the last few lines of the poem.
Nate wrote:And if YWS ever does become a company, Jack will be the President of European Operations. In fact, I'm just going to call him that anyways.




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to be honest i've never really taken much notice of your work before now, but after reading this I'll make sure to read everything you put on here. In otherwords, this was really good.




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Points 890
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Thanks so much you guys, I really appreciate it. I would really like some constructive feedback though. Syntax, format, word choice, rhythm etc. etc. I'm so glad you all liked it though! And faith, I don't post poetry that often, a problem I'm trying to rectify.
Sing lustily and with a good courage. Beware of singing as if you were half dead, or half asleep; but lift up your voice with strength.




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Gala, I hope you post more peotry. This is good, really good. One question, if you don't mind, why blue?

Honestly, I've read through this three times now, and I still can't find anything that seems or feels wrong. The last few lines, and the opening ones, I thought were beautiful.

I think you feel much deeper than you'd like to admit
lest that little dark spot that ends every poem
.
might get a little too big and then where'd we be?

That was excellent.
***Under the Responsibility of S.P.E.W.***
(Sadistic Perplexion of Everyone's Wits)

Medieval Lit! Come here to find out who Chaucer plagiarized and translated - and why and how it worked in the late 1300s.

I <3 Rydia




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Why blue? I dunno...his poetry is over-all usually blue. Dunno why.
Sing lustily and with a good courage. Beware of singing as if you were half dead, or half asleep; but lift up your voice with strength.




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Points 8846
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this was such a beautiful poem. I really don't have much to say but..."Wow!" keep up the fantastic work.

CL
Fraser: Stop stealing the blanket.
[Diefenbaker whines]
Fraser: You're an Arctic Wolf, for God's sake.
(Due South)

Hatter: Do I need a reason to help a pretty girl in a very wet dress? (Alice)

Got YWS?




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I :heart: Kim...

figuratively speaking, of course. Wouldn't want any of you perverts to get the wrong idea.
"If I have not seen as far as others, it is because giants were standing on my shoulders." -Hal Abelson



He who has a why to live for can bear with almost any how.
— Friedrich Nietzsche