Lady of the Lockers

[pre]Lady of the Lockers

What’s so beautiful about you
That makes heads turn and bland colored books
Sound thwack upon the floor
Seeming even more dulled with you as a backdrop
And Hiding the heart-rate and rapid breathing
Of the condensed locker-lined hallways
Filled with girls and boys so eager to come together
That you can taste the breath from your neighbor?
You stand alone and your posse knows it.
They flock to you like a maroon to a lifeboat
Lost and with nowhere to go.
And so are we all.
Your breasts pack tightly into the pushup you bought last weekend
And your legs shine from yesterday’s shave.
Your lips are pursed in a way that makes every man want to be the one to part them,
And your miniskirt provides a tantalizing preview of your fruits
Whenever you bend over, which I’m sure you do a lot.
your thin white blouse is see-through
in the right light, which you always seem to be in.
but I can see through more than that.
You’re like sweet smelling cellophane:
Attractive and transparent.
You want a pulse so bad
You’ll take a throbbing member
And vomit later in sex induced bulimia,
Not to be confused with your habit
Of regurgitating lunches
in the school bathroom during the after-lunch class.
You’re a Barbie doll with an orifice,
and the only one boys will flock to buy.
Condoms sold separately,
As though you’ll use them.
So why are you so beautiful?
Because you throw yourself like clothes in a hamper
And make sure everyone gets a sniff.
[/pre]

Wow. That definitely let your opinion show. The beginning was rather difficult to follow as the words did not flow as smoothly as they have the potential to. Once I was past the fifth line, I began to understand very well, though.

In general, I really did like that. It very easily got the message across, but it was intense.

I personally think the opening was great - very vauge until it catches on. The idea of the popular girl's secrets is great!! I loved it.

I would have liked to see better sentence fluency - they were a bit choppy at times.

I thought it was pretty good. My main suggestion would be break it into stanzas and don't capitalize the beginning of every line. You could also clean up the line breaks. Typically if what was supposed to be a single line runs into two on the screen, that's a bad sign.

You do have some run-on sentences. Take the first few lines:

What’s so beautiful about you
That makes heads turn and bland colored books
Sound thwack upon the floor
Seeming even more dulled with you as a backdrop
And Hiding the heart-rate and rapid breathing
Of the condensed locker-lined hallways
Filled with girls and boys so eager to come together
That you can taste the breath from your neighbor?

Um...that's not one sentence. I'm not sure how to break it up for you, since I'm not sure what's doing the "hiding". I'd try re-punctuating this as if it were normal prose, then capitalizing and breaking it up accordingly. Also, decide which ideas go together, then put them in a stanza. It looks much better and it less confusing.

You do have some good ideas, it just needs some cleanup. Keep writing!

I thought this was great. It flowed well and such. And although I'm not one for big words, I think I was able to understand what you were getting at.

Keep it up!

D7M

I liked it. Slightly perverted, but I like the message. I liked the depth the rythmn , and the imagry. I like your poems, they are all excellent.

Perverted, but rather disgusting in some parts. It is unflattering and really raunchy to describe a woman in such ways.

"You’ll take a throbbing member
And vomit later in sex induced bulimia,
Not to be confused with your habit
Of regurgitating lunches
in the school bathroom during the after-lunch class.
You’re a Barbie doll with an orifice,
and the only one boys will flock to buy.
Condoms sold separately,
As though you’ll use them."

Seriously, that is rather sick. And I thought the first part was pretty bad. It was like Hannibal was writing this, but not even he would stoop to this level, he is very refined in insults. This is a sick and twisted poem that reminds me of other terrible lines. Such as:

"Even your farting sounds like the efforts of an aspiring musician."

If you wanted this to be funny, it isn't. It was just insulting and sick.