The Fire of Betrayal

The Fire of Betrayal
by: Rory Legend
Inspired by photo number three/two

The look in her eyes,
of one betrayed.
She stared at him,
and he couldn't look away.

The flames errupted,
while the people stared.
They stood in awe,
before the witch they no longer feard.

They'd caught one this time,
a real one you see.
And all thanks to him,
now the town could be free.

Behind those pityless eyes he knew.
As she breathed her last breathe,
a curse was she muttering,
a curse of death.

Her smiles turned to laughter,
and he began to shake.
It wont be much longer now.
How much heat can she take?

She said the last lines,
and now he was afraid.
"Let him feel the pain," she screamed,
"the pain of one betrayed!"

He fell to the ground,
his lungs could find no air.
She looked at the earth below her,
and whispered, "See you there."

I like this, however, there are a few parts which don't quite fit in tone with the rest of it.

Stanza three is too casual, and just doesn't sound right. The tone is completely different and the rhyming seems forced. The same goes for the second two lines of the fifth stanza, and the very last line of the poem. Could you phrase them differently perhaps?

Other than that, a good first draft.

Hello!

This was really good for a rhyming poem. I feel that it would do much better if it didn't rhyme though...you know? I focused too much on the rhyme and not enough of the actuall meaning. This just seemed like a little story and I didn't feel anything for any of your characters.

I love your first stanza. And your last stanza. The dialogue only seemed really important there though if I were you I would take out the rest of the dialogue in the poem.

Behind those pityless eyes he knew.
As she breathed her last breathe,

**Breathe should be breath.

As far as the rhythm, it was okay but it didn't really work out in some of your stazas. It can easily be fixed if you reread with fresheyes and even it out though.

PM me if you have any questions or need help with anything!
Happy editing!
~Rieda

Crit for entering the "On Fire" contest:

Despite, it's bluntness and rhyming scheme, I really liked this piece. You know poetry's good when the last line sends something electric down your spine. So kudos with that.

I only have a few problems with this. First of all, the topic is extremely obvious. You took no time trying to make the narrative subtle or finespun - as most good poetry is. By the first two stanzas, the reader knows it's about a witch. A witch and an accuser and a town and a burning. Bam. You hit us with in one back-handed blow. That style of writing should be reserved for

Very nice ideas and themes. The only real problem is that the meter is rather bumpy. Trying to workon smoothing it out and you'll have an excellent poem.