fantasy

[pre]Love: the paradox that in the
telling you have to lie in order to
tell the truth; love that it is a
good way to show the world as it is.

The story truly starts when you
put limits on magic. Making up
stories enables you to feel a
certain measure of control.

It shows us the truth of our
own lives; helps us to think
more clearly when things are
mad; has the same emotional
power as a dream.[/pre]

Nice little rhythm and simplistic subject matter that alludes to more than you have described. I quite enjoyed this piece and give you two thumbs up for my review. You make a fantastic point, and keep the theme of the poem consistant to that point.

Thanks.

Any other suggestions anybody?

Hi Adna--

First, I like the swirly form, not many people play about with concrete forms on here so it's kind of refreshingly different.

However, the words in the form concern me. Mostly because most of them don't make sense together.

Things to do in poetry:

Make stanzas that make sense to other people.

Use one tense.

Be grammatically correct.

Things not to do in poetry:

Use complete sentences the entire poem.

Bold words.

Italicize words. (If there is emphasis on it, write it in a way that the reader will know without having to be told.)


Better luck!

I made a few changes, including the italics/bold thing.
Is there anything specific that didn't make sense to you, or was it just the whole thing in general?

It was a stanza by stanza thing, but you've changed quite a bit of it and it has helped a lot! A few things are still iffy though:

In the first stanza:

that it is a good way to show the world as it is

These lines are too disconnected from the first lines.

In the second stanza...

Put limits on magic; make up Stories; It enables you to feel a Certain measure of control

"make up stories" doesn't really fit with the rest.

Third stanza...

It: shows us the truth of our

"It" doesn't make too much sense here, and definitely does not need a colon after it.

things are Mad; It has the same emotional Power as a dream.

Mad? Did you actually mean Mad? If doesn't go right.


It's definitely much better then it was before, but definitely still needs some work! What really needs to happen is this needs to not be a story. Right now, it's just the narrator telling the reader, when really the reader needs to be shown instead of told. Imagery, similies, metaphors, proper diction...all of this and more can help accomplish this!

Happy Editing!

I made some more changes. I'm not sure if they were exactly what you were looking, but I hope I've improved things some.

By 'mad', I mean crazy mad. Insane, absurd, and everything else.

Also, when I put the colon in front of 'It,' it was sort of supposed to put 'It' in front of each of the following phrases, if you know what I mean. Like,
It shows us the truth of our
Own lives
It helps us think more clearly when things are
Mad
It has the same emotional
Power as a dream.

But I suppose if that wasn't clear to you when you read it, I should just leave the colon out, eh?

I'm sure there's still room for improvement, if someone would care to point me in another good direction?


*adna*

I have to say, I completely agree with Via on everything.

I liked the concrete form, the way the stanzas were placed. It was new and very clean-cut.

Otherwise... meh. Here's a line-by-line of the first stanza:

Love: the paradox that in the (I like how you started it with "Love:"; after that, the line was aggravatingly, distinctively confusing. "the paradox that in the"...? It's awkward.)
Telling you have to lie in order to ("Poop: the object that in the pooping you have to scream in order to..." VERY awkward. Instead of simply making this stream-of-conciousness, make it original.)
tell the truth; love that it is a (That sudden jump to "truth" is kind of confusing. And what do you mean by "love that.." You love, or is it simply love?)
good way to show the world as it is.

Basically, all those crits apply to the whole poem. Main problem is you write this poem almost as if you are thinking it, and we can't follow your thoughts as fast as you think them. Slow down; show us "love" from a perspective that doesn't puzzle us. Make it obvious, but show it to us.

Hope I helped!