Hell’s Renegade

Beneath the gate of shadows lives a man who was left with only the fires of Hell to warm him.

Dejected even by the devil himself.

The angels beg for his redemption.

But the trees in the graveyard are darkened with blood he has left.

The old man at the River Styx turned him down.

And the wind won’t hold him either.

The blood in his veins won’t pump because spite ripped his heart away.

Mayhap the angels in all their mercy will take him.

But the demons fear his burdened touch.

Beneath the gate of shadows lives a man who was left with only the fires of Hell to warm him. This line is too long; it doesn't fit the rhythm
Dejected even by the devil himself. fragment? You need to change this. Maybe connect it with the last sentence somehow, or just make it "He was dejected even by the devil himself." Something like that
The angels beg for his redemption,
but the trees in the graveyard are darkened with blood he has left.
The old man at the River Styx turned him down,
and the wind won’t hold him either.
The blood in his veins won’t pump because spite ripped his heart away.
Mayhap the angels in all their mercy will take him,
but the demons fear his burdened touch.


This was very original, which is difficult to achieve. Good job!
I don't think you need to seperate every line; it's kind of destracting. It makes them, well, seperated. I think they would merge together better if you put them together.

Keep writing!


*adna*

i think its a good poem.
But Your rhythem has to inprove the rhythem of the lines are to long.
i don't won't to sound mean but it's true
but it is a good poem