Stephen

To give credit where credit is due, this is actually my sister's poem. But she needed a crit, so I told her I'd see what some other people thought of it, because she's considering submitting it to a school publication.


Stephen

Stephen Maybe it’s just me.
He sliced paper in half with a knife,
Drew cartoons of zombies with life-
less heads in their hands. Dust in the eye.
When I left at five, he never said goodbye.
Maybe it’s just me.
I’d sit at his kitchen table, sticky and wet,
laugh when he smiled, help with his set
of math problems. More than $5, too much to ask?
Watching a twelve-year-old, too hard a task?
When I left at five, he never said goodbye.
Maybe it’s just me.
To do today: Wake from a restless night,
Bank deposit, Mother’s dinner, write
A note to his parents, a notice of one week.
Watch him eat lunch from a can.
Hear his brother call him “Freak.”
When I left at five, he never said goodbye.
Maybe it’s just me…maybe that’s why.

There is a story behind this, but I think I should just leave it unsaid, since the readers of the school publication wouldn't know the context of it either.

this is very touching. It is cute and sad. I think this is very unique and I think she should submit it definitely.

I’d sit at his kitchen table, sticky and wet,
laugh when he smiled, help with his set
of math problems. More than $5, too much to ask?

the "of maths problems" doesn't really fit with the flow and if you take it out it still makes sense sort of but i think that really needs to go maybe change "help with his set of math problems" so it fits in with the poem but also fits in with the flow.

that's all I think you should change and the more I read it the sadder it becomes and it has brought tears to my eyes but it is really good

submit it =)

This is very origional! Being origional is hard to do anymore. It was a little repetitive with the "maybe it's just me" line but it didn't make it annoying. It was a tad confusing, but I still loved it.

I really like this! The math problems part was a bit confusing, the way it was broken up, but other than that, it was a great poem. It was really sweet and touching. The ending lines are the best.

Hello!

Okay, after reading this several times, what really got to me is the "Maybe it's just me parts." It really messes with the overall rhyme scheme of the poem. By itself, when you take all that out, everything seems to flow nicely. I'll show it without the maybe parts just to get a better sense of the content.

Stephen Maybe it’s just me.
He sliced paper in half with a knife,
Drew cartoons of zombies with life-
less heads in their hands. Dust in the eye.
When I left at five, he never said goodbye.

**The second line here doesn't seem long enough to work with the first line. I think there should be another word in there somewhere, possibly an adjective after "cartoons of --- zombies with life. The last two lines flow very well though.

I’d sit at his kitchen table, sticky and wet,
laugh when he smiled, help with his set
of math problems. More than $5, too much to ask?
Watching a twelve-year-old, too hard a task?
When I left at five, he never said goodbye.

**I don't really understand what your sister means by being sticky and wet, possibly more description there or a better hint as to what it is. The second lines flows well with the first. When you go down to the third line, I didn't really see a problem with continuing the math problems line, but the sentence after it seemed too long to work with the flow. Perhaps shorten it to "Is $5 too much to ask?" or something along those lines. The last line...usually it works so it was depressing to see that it didn't rhyme with anything this time and it didn't really fit there when it was by itself.

To do today: Wake from a restless night,
Bank deposit, Mother’s dinner, write
A note to his parents, a notice of one week.
Watch him eat lunch from a can.
Hear his brother call him “Freak.”
When I left at five, he never said goodbye.
Maybe it’s just me…maybe that’s why.

**The first line is good, but to help the second line flow better with it I think she should change the second line to "Bank deposit, Mother's dinner, then write..." It fills in that one missing syllable. I like the other lines after that. The ending was great. I definately think that after some work this should really be submitted for publication.

Happy editing!
~Rieda