I liked this poem, although the subject has been done many times before.
I think it could do with being a bit longer, as it is now it is too fast.
Pills made the brain into bubbles.
An abrupt end to the piece and hasn't got a line to follow it with the next rhyme. (Did I just rhyme myself?)
I don't have much to say other than it could do with being longer and that the line about her silver spoon bracelet was a bit too long; it interrupted the flow.
A rhyming poem about drugs? Kind of weird. And not terribly effective. I did, however, like a few lines.
Her silver spoon bracelets out shine her couture rags
was pretty cool (although outshine is one word). And your last line was sweet.
I agree with Alainna. This needs expansion. I would explore her a little bit more. Why is she doing drugs? What are her issues? What does she look like? Where is she?
You do have a couple good lines. If you expand this, you could probably make this much better. Keep writing!
"You do ill if you praise, but worse if you censure, what you do not understand." Leonardo Da Vinci
This poem ended pretty abruptly, but it that what happpens when people die from drugs and/or suiside? This was a good poem. Its kinda an eye opener for the ignorant people in the world.
Character is what you have left when you've lost everything you can lose. - Evan Esar
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I really like the last line. It's very fresh and powerful. Though, I think this would work better without the rhyming couplets. Maybe try lengthening it and use a different rhyme scheme, or none at all.
"Just like moons and like suns, With the certainty of tides, Just like hopes springing high, Still I'll rise." -Maya Angelou
A mask of tissues.
She hid behind her issues.
Struggling to find reasons to cry.
Struggling to find a reason to die. - Because of WHY she's crying?
Her silver spoon bracelets outshine her couture rags.
Making a note before taking a drag.
She hung her noose.
Depression was her excuse.
Pills made the brain into bubbles.
A poem about drugs. I like how you ended it I suppose, pretty suspenseful. Some of it doesn't make sense though. I mean,
"I'm crying really hard because something terrible happened and I want to die. So why should I take these pills and die? Because of that terrible thing? Naw..."
Ha. Not saying the poem is bad. The poem is wonderful, mind you (A bit depressing, but that probably was the desired affect)
So anyway, nice poem. You should extend it really. Talk about her death, why she died, how people mourned her.. if any people mourned her at all.
KEEP WRITING!
DarkDove! I was disappointed! You can do better than that! Why such a bad ending-sorry- but I know that you can do better than that!
Work on it please and make that last eight? sentences rhyme please!
shanan-cat!
"Laugh like no one can hear you, dance like no one is watching, and love like you're going to doe tomorrow." --Unknown
Hahaha this was andom. Well, the truth is, that I did not like this poem--I mean, it wasnt exceptional, it was just exceptionally random. And that could make a poem good, couldn't it?
Except I particulary disliked the periods after every--single-------line!
