Jars of Stars

Jars of Stars

Tonight you brought down
so many stars for me,
I needed an umbrella.
These shiny specks of light
in a jar are better than
one thousand fireflies or
even the moon,
because within these stars
are the many universes
we can use to escape to,
just you and me.

But one thing affects all of us;
the 4th dimension, time.
And no matter how many
jars of stars I have from you
none of them
will bring you back to me.

Huh. Interesting. XD

Um... I'm really terrible at poetry... but one thing that this lacks is rythm. I spelt that wrong, huh? Anywho, it just... reads like a run-on sentence, I guess?

But... um... it was good. Yeah. Pretty good.

*disapears into the blackened night of the Jars of Stars* *that made no sense*

- BEAR!!!!

Bravo! I love this. Couldn't find any grammar mistakes, either, but I'm not an expert on poetry.

Well heya there, yoho

It's short, and it's cute! I like the first three lines, the exemplify both of those qualities, and I think they come off rather nicely. After that, however, the poem seems to get a little awkward. That is, I appreciate what you're trying to say, but it just gets too clunky and badly worded. "we can use to escape to," for example, is a horrible hash of a line, it just twists around itself into a bit of a mess. "But one thing affects all of us; / the 4th dimension, time." is another one in which the second line just isn't quite up to scratch.

You've got a good idea here, and you start off well, but you really need to work on making this a lot smoother to go with it's slightly "cute" image. Good luck!

You have a talent for writing some quirky poetry.

I liked this but felt that the low became rushed and all a bit of a jumble. This might have just been me, being super fast, but if you use some good punctuation variation, you tend to be able to create natural stops and pauses for your reader.

You used some lovely imagery, but I don't see how the umbrella fits in, in the beginning stanza. That confused me quite a bit. Other than that, I pretty much liked this and thought you did a good job.

Ginge

:]

Hmm... verynice.

Well, i can't find anything grammatically incorrect about it, either. i can't explain how, but the entire poem just seems ironic.

Anyway, good job.