A Brief History of the Ex-Dee Extra #1

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Note: These two were the original part three of A Brief History of the Ex-Dee that I had posted, but I have since rewritten them (Hence the "extra" in the title). A much better version can be found in this thread.


I. Introducing Maria Dee

They said
that Maria Dee was one of those teachers who
could walk into the room as if she'd been there all her life
They say
that she hand-picked her students
to be of the type that
will sit in rows and
will all stack their papers the same way
on her virtual desk
while she pins her hair
and the class monitor administers the test.

II. Class With Maria

Maria's idea of shopping was equal to three rows of
letters arranged so that when
she needed something, it was
right there next to her shoes and her purse.
So when she graded Arthur's essay, she
needed to talk to him because
his letters were in columns but not rows.
Though when he stood before her desk,
his sweater slipping from his collarbone,
she forgot about his paper
and snaked her hand down his throat
to clutch and devour his bright green heart.



This poem is part three of a series. To read the rest, please refer to this thread
Last edited by Leja on Sun Mar 09, 2008 11:38 pm, edited 2 times in total.




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I like this it is very good. Nothing much to say about this work except good job.
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They said
that Maria Dee was one of those teachers who
could walk into the room as if she'd been there all her life
They say
that she hand-picked her students
to be of the type that
will sit in rows and
will all stack their papers the same way
on her virtual desk
while she pins her hair
and the class monitor administers the test.
I like the first stanza a lot better than the second. It has a fine rhythm and says a lot in a short space. Good stuff.
You switch from "They said" to "They say"--I think I'd prefer if only one tense were used. I have a preference for "They say" but you know more about the story--is this something that "they" would still be talking about?
"all her life" would sound better as "her whole life."
Why is the desk virtual? I'm confuzzled, Melja.

Maria's idea of shopping was equal to three rows of
letters arranged so that when
she needed something, it was
right there next to her shoes and her purse.
So when she graded Arthur's essay, she
needed to talk to him because
his letters were in columns but not rows.
Though when he stood before her desk,
his sweater slipping from his collarbone,
she forgot about his paper
and snaked her hand down his throat
to clutch and devour his bright green heart.
This I like less. It's a little less polished, a little too stuffed with information that I still have trouble understanding. I don't get the "three rows of letters" part, I can't get an image in my head.
The transition here in funny...there's the part about how she has to talk to Arthur regarding his essay, but then she devours his heart. I don't see why, exactly? Even if I'm not entirely "getting it" I still think it moves too quickly from "Though when he stood..." to "...snaked her hand..."

Other than that, I like it very much. You have a great sense of tone and I like the style. There's just such a large difference between the two stanzas in terms of quality that I think this just needs some time to ferment before you edit it.

-Colly
"My pet, I've been to the devil, and he's a very dull fellow. I won't go there again, even for you..."




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I'm not sure what that last part meant about grabbing his throat and green hearts, but then again, I'm not very deep. Overall, though, I liked it. Keep up the good work.
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In general, it was okay. The little details put in there were pretty cool, though. There wasn't anything that stuck out to me. Not badly written, but not especially striking and original.




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I. Introducing Maria Dee

They said
that Maria Dee was one of those teachers who
could walk into the room as if she'd been there all her life
They say
that she hand-picked her students
to be of the type that
will sit in rows and
will all stack their papers the same way
on her virtual desk - virtual?
while she pins her hair
and the class monitor administers the test.

II. Class With Maria

Maria's idea of shopping was equal to three rows of
letters arranged so that when
she needed something, it was
right there next to her shoes and her purse.
So when she graded Arthur's essay, she
needed to talk to him because
his letters were in columns but not rows.
Though when he stood before her desk,
his sweater slipping from his collarbone,
she forgot about his paper
and snaked her hand down his throat
to clutch and devour his bright green heart.


...HUH?
Sorry. The ending scared me a bit.
HUH??
I mean, the poem itself was alright. Great words you used, and Maria Dee sounds like quite the character that one would like to read and write about.
So is she a monster or something? Obsessive-compulsive with x-ray vision because she somehow discovered his heart was green and was like, "NO! NO GREEN HEARTS! HEARTS ARE RED!"
I don't know.
The ending confused me.
Nice job, though.
KEEP WRITING!
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I *do* like flipping tables.
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