A Southern Summer Soliloquy

A Southern Summer Soliloquy

I can’t change you when I can’t change me
And I know you want me to ‘cause
You spelled it out under the nightshade
On sultry, sweltry summer nights
Where lemonade and mosquito netting was (a)
Constant
Necessity
And stapled to the neon flashing Tiki lights draped on the awning
Were wanted posters we made for ourselves
And at the time we thought they were funny
But now
With broken promises and littered goodbyes
Settling on my dashboard
I’m not so sure about past times and faulted regrets
They’re empty where I’m goin’
And it’s straight back to your heart, no passing go or collecting 200 dollars
It would take too much time
Time
That I don’t have
To tell you
I can’t change you when I can’t change me
But that doesn’t me We wont

Well, the title sent chills down my spine and I was totally expecting something different. Slightly dissapointing but I'll try to ignore that.

Some of the short lines like:

"Time
That I don’t have
To tell you "

Seemed chopped and I think it would have been cooler one line.

Other than that, slightly cliche but still enjoyable and I liked the narrative aspect of it. Perhaps I'll have to come here more often. Oh, and I didn't get this line.

"But that doesn’t me We wont"

Was it a mistake or am I missing something?

really good poetry requires a really good understanding of language. You need to find ways to make words work for you. What words paint an image in your mind? What words slap you across the face? What words are silly, boring, inviting, expressive, etc? You just need to experiment a little and observe how words are used. It will help you to do some reading, and by reading I mean from all kinds of authors.

Read some Shakespeare, then something more modern. Just read, read, read. Then when you feel like you know how you can adequately get your message across with language, have another go. Right now with what you've given me I feel no sort of emotion, and this has no lasting impact on me at all. I'm sure with an idea of this magnitude that's what you want to go for. Don't give up, but just think about it next time before you try again. Good luck!

Very good though!!!!!!!!!!!

Keep on trying.....................................................................

I welcome your reply, but you really need to check the post date before you review. Not that I don't appreciate your reading and response of my poetry, I do. I just wrote this so long ago when it comes to my writing, that your suggestions are pretty much useless now.

Ta,
Cal.

A Southern Summer Soliloquy

I can’t change you when I can’t change me
And I know you want me to ‘cause
You spelled it out under the nightshade
On sultry, sweltry summer nights
Where lemonade and mosquito netting was (a)
Constant
Necessity
And stapled to the neon flashing Tiki lights draped on the awning
Were wanted posters we made for ourselves
And at the time we thought they were funny
But now
With broken promises and littered goodbyes
Settling on my dashboard
I’m not so sure about past times and faulted regrets
They’re empty where I’m goin’
And it’s straight back to your heart, no passing go or collecting 200 dollars
It would take too much time
Time
That I don’t have
To tell you
I can’t change you when I can’t change me
But that doesn’t me We wont

_________________

I really liked this poem, I did. The way you told such a story of camp et cetera. There is something I'm not preferring in this poem, but I can't place it.. maybe you should change the words around a bit, make it more poetic and sweeter.
HA. No passing go, no collecting 200 dollars.
I laughed at that line.
This was a great poem though, so KEEP WRITING!