Not You...Me

I am Me,
can't you see,
that I will be...
...Me.

Today I am Me,
tomorrow I am You,
and I will eat stew...
...when I am You.


I just wanna be Me,
not one who uses the...
...Key.


I will never do these things,
you always do these troubles,
which make everything doubles.


Now you know,
who I am,
and I will never be you or Sam...
...just Me.

That was good! The ryming was always perfect, and the poem made sense. It deserves two thumbs up!! Just be you and not me, and you will succeed . Keep up the good work.

-- M.B.Author

First off good poem! I think maybe having the three periods at the end of things might be a little weird! I personally think the stew thing isn't fitting into the poem. But it was funny

Good Job!

I am Me,
can't you see,
that I will be...
...Me.

Slightly repetitive, eh? Saying the same thing twice does not make it better for the reader.

Today I am Me,
tomorrow I am You,
and I will eat stew...
...when I am You.

Why are you someone else tomorrow? .....why is eating stew relevant? rhyming one word with the same word is not favorable.

I just wanna be Me,
not one who uses the...
...Key.

The dots are starting to annoy. And this is makes no sense. And still has nothing to do with stew.

I will never do these things,
you always do these troubles,
which make everything doubles.

"doubles" is not used correctly here. this stanza has no dots like the others and is a line short yet it is not difinitive in anything.

Now you know,
who I am,
and I will never be you or Sam...
...just Me.

At what point did we learn who you are and that you will never be us??





I can't believe I'm doing this....but I'm pulling a Brad.

Scrap this and please do not start over.

Good luck,
WM

Haha, pulling a Brad....

And I agree that this poem has no meaning whatsoever and that you should lose the elipses. Start over on some other poem and don't worry so much about rhyming as much as you should worry about the poem actually MAKING SENSE. People remember poems for their meaning, not for the rhyme scheme.

. As much as this is heartfelt it doesn't make sense to us, the readers; it probably only makes sense to you. What does it mean, "me"? What are you like? Why does it matter to us? Why should we care? Poetry, even if it's about something personal, should make the reader care.

READ POETRY. It's the most basic advice and the best I can give. Take a look at poetry of all times and styles. What do you like or don't like in a poem? What makes the poem interesting to you? Rhyme isn't everything -- watch the way writers do or don't use it. Watch the way they create images; things that are sensory that you can imagine. Pay attention to the use of words, and how every word matters. This list is a good place to start. (forum mods: I hope you don't mind me linking to another forum for resources, but this is the best list I've seen). You'd also benefit from reading the beginning of the topic, about poetic devices and poetry in general.

I have to agree with Write Me on this.

I think you were just rambling on in this poem, it does not mean anything, and the thing about the stew? What was that about? I think you were just finding words that would rhyme, it dosen't work like that.

Sorry, but this desperatly needs wortk, or abandon it. Sorry to be a little harsh there...

Meevs
x

...Stew? Hah, interesting. I personally think it kind of ruins the tone for the sake of rhyming. Not all poetry has to rhyme, dear.

The format is slightly annoying aesthetically, just because of all the ellipsi (the three dot number). And... well, this is a good idea, but the stew thing kind of ruins it. Then again, you did say you didn't like this one. xD

Um... Whoa, I totally did not notice the fourth stanza. xD I fail. Anyway, I feel like you're forcing things to rhyme and that is kind of detracting from the natural flow of the poem -- try your hand at free verse once in a while! It might help your poems feel more natural.

THank you again, so much, for letting me critique your poems! You've been a big help.

-Saint Razorblade
The Official YWS Pirate

Hey

aha i didn't really get it, and it kind of reminded me of robert munch, but i really liked it, keep up the good work

T

By the way...are you really 100 years old? rofl

It could use work. In my opinion it's incoherent. Consider taking out all the periods. It crowds the poem and takes away from it's simplicity. Unless you wanted to make it...busy?

Liked the poem but thought that it was a bit rough when you repeated the phrases over and over again. It got a bit annoying.
I liked the way that you made the reader a bit confused, but it was in a good way.
I thought that the poem was a bit unusual... never seen anything like that before.
That's what makes it so original!
shanan-cat!

This a a third grade feel to it. It rhymy, repetative, and sing songy. I think it's good. It's more of a poem to teach little kids to be themselves. This is not one for the older crowd. Good Job anyway