Winter's Sigh

This was going to be my entry in a contest before I learned that they only accepted short stories......tell me what you think!!



Last evening's light snowfall
icing trees' naked branches,
suspended on the thin limbs,
a breath away from falling,
to the worldy earth

Like I,
no longer among the carefree clouds of childhood,
nor planted in the solid earth of adulthood;
Hanging between the worlds,
grasped at by both;
not quite ready to release my hold on the sky,
but longing for the assurance of the solid ground

Balanced precariously,
at the mercy of a single sigh of winter,
or the bumbling of a careless tresspasser;
Longing and fearing my inevitable fate;
I will fall from my tree,
a glorious and exhilarating flight
will land me
safely
on the ground

I will start off by saying first that I did like the poem. A nice mellow tone is comforting and a bit of an autobiographical theme is nice. However, I had to read the poem three times before I get a real input. Which, I suppose, is what poetry and literature are supposed to do. But, I felt that the chilly winter scene you painted in the beginning, beautifuly I might add, was lost by the end of the poem. It went from a descriptive poem to a dramatic work. The two weren't combinded flawlessly which would have made the poem much more enjoyable.

Also, there were some lines that didn't seem to fit into the puzzle. For example in line 15, the "bumbling tresspasser" is kind of thrown in. I have no idea were he came from or even how he completely relates to the theme.

Also the reaccuring action of falling from the sky unto the ground doesn't totally work. I felt you were driving this idea into my head that it kind of got lost.

Of course, this is all my opinion and I'm sure there are dozens of readers who will praise your poem as it should be praised. Because, it is a good poem. Keep writing.

Good stuff. You've got a nice solid idea which is always a great starting place! I did feel that it was in some ways over-written though.
The first stanza does its job in setting the scene, but it is so separate from the rest of the poem I think you'd do better to trim it down and maybe introduce the "I" character in there. It really could be trimmed down. At the moment it's pretty flowery and there are too many unnecessary adjectives. You've got some really nice verbs - icing, suspended - that are just cluttered by your adjectives.
For example, does this even make sense?

to the worldy earth

What is a "worldly" earth? You don't need the adjective and saying "to the earth" would be much more succint and therefore powerful!
Gramatically,

Like I,

- "Like me."

no longer among the carefree clouds of childhood,
nor planted in the solid earth of adulthood;

Again, this would be so much better if you just spoke of "the clouds of childhood" and "the earth of adulthood."
Finally

or the bumbling of a careless tresspasser;

WHile I liked this line, it did seem out of place a bit.

first off I am delighted to say you have an enormous amount of talent but a lot of it is raw but with practice it will blossom.
There is nothing more I want to say other than you have inspired me

Big ups REALLY keep it up =)

Lovely poem. I like how you go about conveying what you feel. I however do not see this as a story, but maybe you can point out to me how it is one and you can convince me otherwise. I would however re-categorize it as a lyrical poem, because it expresses fear, and longing predominately. you are not speaking of an actual occurrence, rather a mental figurative occurrence of the change from childhood to adulthood, not exactly a story to me. However this was a lovely poem, well worth a read. I hope you keep writing, and consider my suggestions below.

Swirl Antara wrote:Last evening's light snowfall
icing trees' naked branches,
suspended on the thin limbs,
a breath away from falling,
to the worldy earth

Alright, the whole stanza seems like it doesn't agree. The first line is in the past tense, while the rest is in present tense. I suggest making them match so that it flows better, and so you don't confuse a reader. Also using the word 'worldly' before earth is completely unnecessary and weird. The earth is worldly.. because it is the world.... and vice-versa.

Swirl Antara wrote:Like I,
no longer among the carefree clouds of childhood,
nor planted in the solid earth of adulthood;
Hanging between the worlds,
grasped at by both;
not quite ready to release my hold on the sky,
but longing for the assurance of the solid ground

I think it might be more appropriate to say "two worlds" instead of "the worlds", but that could just be a personal preference.

Swirl Antara wrote:Balanced precariously,
at the mercy of a single sigh of winter,
or the bumbling of a careless tresspasser;
Longing and fearing my inevitable fate;
I will fall from my tree,
a glorious and exhilarating flight
will land me
safely
on the ground

The word "tresspasser" is spelled 'trespasser.

If I didn't mention a line above, then it is fine and I have no problem with it.

Lovely, lyrical poem. ^_^ I really enjoyed it and don't have much to critique. I'll second some of the things Liz pointed out: "wordly earth" doesn't make any sense... perhaps it's intentionally nonsensical? Even so, it was distracting and interrupted the poem's flow. That was the only specific peeve I had, but this did seem rather wordy. Truly powerful poetry, IMO, uses only as many words necessary to convey it's meaning and create effective imagery. It's good to be descriptive, but it's also easy to weigh a piece down with adjectives. Think about which words you could cut, which phrases don't pack a punch, don't really contribute to the poem.

[quote]suspended on the thin limbs,
a breath away from falling[/quote]

Those are my favorite lines. Gorgeous.

Keep writing! This shows real promise. ^_^

This is pretty good. Keep up the good work!

-Rick