Shy Away from the Specifics

I see her face on every child,
On every bus, in every blink.

She’s calling, pleading;
Her silent voice travels on the wind.
It’s the song of a blue jay trapped in a cage,
Misfortuned by circumstance.

We have never met, never exchanged words,
Yet I know she knows me, counting on me;
And to me she belongs.
I know little of her struggles,
Less of her world,
But still it is me she calls to.

My voice does not travel upon the wind,
I can hear her calls, yet I cannot answer.
She wants for help—for me,
I am the bear in the trap,
Misfortuned by circumstance.

I was a little confused which is to be expected from any poem. But, I was confused in that after I read and re-read I still wasn't able to really grasp it.

And, some of it sounded too emotional. Too emotional meaning no one else can understand --there lack of-- what it really means. Broaden your word choice is my suggestion.

I do like it. It's a nice poem.

I don't really understand it.
But I don't understand any poetry!

Other than that nice work!
Genevieve
xxx

I love this.
Its entirely your own.
It is a little hard to understand but in my opinion thats what makes it great.

I enjoyed this quite a bit. Though it took me two reads to really get the flow of the poem. I like the words you use and the style you use as well.

What I especially like is the subject matter. I know those who have commented before me have mentioned a confusion, or lack of understanding within their reading of the poem. I must say I disagree, though it may be a problem if so many agree on it. I enjoyed the theme. It was new and different - something I always look forward to.

I have no real criticisms. Lol. I thought I did and it just turned out I read it wrong. I apologise for that; I usually try to leave something tangible for a writer to go back on.

All in all, I really like this poem and hope someone after me can provide more constructive comments for you.

*Hearts* Le Penguin.

Well, Via--I really don't like this.

The only good thing about it, really, is that it is well-written--to a certain degree.


"Her silent voice travels on the wind."
This is a cliched line.

"Misfortuned by circumstance."
These words and their repetition make the poem feel more like court papers. Dump them.

"She wants for help—for me,
I am the bear in the trap,
Misfortuned by circumstance."
See the above--but also notice how you rapidly changed the main charater of the story in order to make a more complere and surprising ending, a technique which is used too much. This surprising thing really bothers me (how you always said she was in the cage, now YOU were in the cage.)

Basically, this sounds very forced. It's an idea many people have wrote about, and you presented it intellectually, but nonetheless unoriginally.

PM me if you have any questions!

This is a good poem Via, if only because it inspires so many different opinions and it's open to so many interpretations. But I like it for more than that. I love the theme. Or rather what I interpret to be the theme. I get the feeling that it's about a woman who gave an unwanted child away and is reflecting on her decision. That may not be what you had in mind when you wrote it, but it's what goes through my head =)

Now, I will get more specific, don't worry. I think some of your imagery could be a little bit more original but it all flows really well and it's very dramatic. The title is interested and what makes me think that I've interpreted the poem differently to how it was intended to be interpretated. You certainly don't go into any specific detail and the title itself is not specific. Very fitting. Then the rest of the poem. I always find it easier to take poetry a line at a time...

I see her face on every child,
On every bus, in every blink. [This flows nicely and I'm curious as to why on every bus? I think that there's so much depth to this poem that I can't see.]

She’s calling, pleading; [I like the simplicity of this line, very effective.]
Her silent voice travels on the wind. [Now this one I don't like. Perhaps it's because it's a bit unoriginal but it's the image too. I like silent. Silent is good but wind... no. There again, I'm not sure what to suggest. Perhaps something like 'Her silent voice travels through the vacuum' or 'Her silent music filters through my ear' would work?]
It’s the song of a blue jay trapped in a cage, [I like this and I'm glad you used quite an original bird.]
Misfortuned by circumstance. [The first time I read this line I didn't like it but the repetition of it later was good and I grew a little more fond of it.]

We have never met, never exchanged words, [Never. It's such a strong word and using it twice seems to retract from that. Perhaps 'We have never met, no words exchanged between us,' would be better?]
Yet I know she knows me, counting on me;
And to me she belongs.
I know little of her struggles,
Less of her world,
But still it is me she calls to.

My voice does not travel upon the wind, [Again, I don't like the use of wind and maybe it would be more effective to just say 'My voice is obstructed by vice' but then, that might not fit with the scenario you have in mind. Lol.]
I can hear her calls, yet I cannot answer.
She wants for help—for me, [I think you should end this sentence here so that the change in perspective is seperate. Maybe even a new stanza?]
I am the bear in the trap,
Misfortuned by circumstance. [I like this switch. I like the parallel between the persona and the person she speaks of and how conclusive these lines are. Very nice.]

In general, I think you have a lovely, intriguing poem. I'd love to know what you was thinking when you wrote it and I hope this helps a little,

Heather xx

This is really confusing- it has a sort of mystery to it. I love it! This is the type of poem that can be interpreted a million different ways and no matter what you think it means you almost always can find some meaning.

This is interesting, even if it may need some work. It's like you're still in the process of reeling in a thought. I think it's good that a poem has many interpretations, but they shouldn't stem from a fundamental sense of confusion so much as insight, IMO. And there are many kinds of insight, I think, even the confusing, intuitive kind.

I like the first and second stanzas, but maybe the ideas of the third could benefit from some concreteness. I felt that I couldn't really find a frame of reference by which to measure the descriptions of the 'she'. Why does she call, what does she plead for? Why does she 'count' on the speaker? Why these specifics for someone the speaker has never met?

Then again, the ambiguity of it all is part of the loveliness and the theme, I suppose. Maybe it's your intention to force the reader into personalizing the piece.

EDIT: Ha, I hadn't paid much attention to the title of the poem as I analyzed. That scratches out about half of my argument ^^::

[s]I didn't like the blue jay image in the second stanza. It seemed too fleeting and didn't really return.[/s] (disregard ^_^) The second stanza sounds too lofty to me. Lots of "of"s and "on"s and "to"s that make the relationship between the subject and this little girl seem very far away, very removed from each other, when in fact, it appears that the little girl seems almost unfortunately tied to the "I", and the "I" to her.

Actually, when compared to the bear at the end, I like the blue jay in the cage part.

In general, it sounded a little wordy to me, especially the third stanza, but I already talked about that. I think the part about speaking through the wind could be more originally worded. Though wind works well, it's a cliched messenger and as such, catches my ear, unfortunately.

I like the general idea, but I'm not sure who the little girl's supposed to refer to. Am I supposed to? My first thought was that it referred to a younger version of the narrator. But if that were the case, the narrator in the present would not "know little of her struggles/ Less of her world".

Thanks for the Comments, all.

It is not about an unwanted child nor a younger version of the narrator. I have never seen another poem written about the subject it is actually about, so I am unure why some have said it is common.

Although, I thank you all who have pointed out specifics....because nearly everything you all have pointed out was intentional, whether it was liked it or not. The biggest one being that there is supposed to be a serious detachment between the narrator and the child, so if you had that feeling then I succeeded .

I liked it =]
It's quite unique!

I officially love you, Yoda. You're going to help me get my goal! I'm so close! =D

Sorry, I'm just proud. xD

Moving on...

This is... interesting. I kind of know what you're trying to say? Lol. It's a lot of guesswork from poetry-ignorant me. Personally, I feel like you kind of get redundant by the end. Not entirely sure why that is. It's just... instinct? Meh.

Um... I don't really have major complaints with this, just the complaint that I don't seem to understand it, but that's most likely a fault of my own.

*rambling*

Er, anyway. I like this poem, and I'm sure I'll like it more when I figure it out. Lol.

Thanks for the nth time for your help. ^_^

-Saint Razorblade
The Official YWS Pirate