Rise of Dreams

I wrote this kind of on a whim- tell me what you think

Rise of Dreams

Smoothly do they glide
Smoothly do they set
The stars upon them twinkle
Infinitely set

Dragging forth from wonder
Inspirations own true mind-
The dreams of thousands
Lay upon the mind.

The darkness around it billows
A clock of light around its neck
Moon of Darkness wanders
To enclose upon the mind.

A child from below
Screams in awe filled wonder,
As her nightmares from nights past
Threaten to consume her.

The morning sun breaks through
Shining through the dark
Returning to them happiness
And their lives inside the light.

Hi i see a grammar error let me point it out to you ok.'
"Smoothly do they glide
Smoothly do they set
The stars upon them twinkle
Infinitely set " Alright a comma after the first line than a period on the second line same with the third and fourth.

Third line gets a comma fourth line gets a period. There are other punctionuation problems in this but poem was cliche. Not bad but cliche.

Well if you have any questions about what i critiqued here PM me at anytime ok.

TTYL SimonCowellLuver

First off, I don't see how this poem was cliche at all. You did a beautiful job of painting images and setting a sort of magical dream-like feel for it.

Now for the critique:

Rise of Dreams

Smoothly do they glide
Smoothly do they set
The stars upon them twinkle
Infinitely set I wouldn't use the word 'set' again here, it just sounds repetitive..
(Or you could just change the 'set' in the second line to a different word.)

Dragging forth from wonder Love that line!
Inspirations own true mind-
The dreams of thousands
Lay upon the mind. Again, a different word would work much better because not only does it disrupt the rhythm in a weird sort of way, it sounds awkward because you used it so close to the other one.

The darkness around it billows
A clock of light around its neck
Moon of Darkness wanders
To enclose upon the mind. The word 'mind' works here, but only if you change the one from the stanza above, because it is still really close.

A child from below
Screams in awe filled wonder,
As her nightmares from nights past
Threaten to consume her.

The morning sun breaks through
Shining through the dark
Returning to them happiness
And their lives inside the light.

The main problem I found with this was using the same words I pointed out above. When they are there, it becomes strange later on because they sort of rhyme (since they are the same word) and then when you stop doing that, it feels like you've suddenly just stopped rhyming (even though thats not exactly what is happening.)

But really, it was beautiful. Nice to read something different for a change!

Smoothly do they glide,
Smoothly do they set.
The stars upon them twinkle;
Infinitely set

Dragging forth from wonder
Inspirations own true mind-
The dreams of thousands
Lay upon the mind.

The darkness around it billows
A clock of light around its neck.
Moon of Darkness wanders
To enclose upon the mind.

A child from below
Screams in awe filled wonder,
As her nightmares from nights past
Threaten to consume her.

The morning sun breaks through,
Shining through the dark
Returning to them happiness
And their lives inside the light.

1dering already pointed out the weird rhyming thing, so I won't repeat it.

You started out not using punctuation, then by the end, you have some. It was a bit distracting.

But regardless, I loved this poem. It was just so lilting and soft and yet so poignant. I couldn't really put my finger on what it was that I liked so much, but I really did.

Great job on this! *applause*

~GryphonFledgling

Thank you so much! lol sorry I actually copied and pasted the wrong poem, my final draft has all of the commas and grammar errors already mentioned. I was actually trying to stab at a little bit of alliteration, but I guess I overshot it a little bit and turned it into a rhyme thing. Thanks so much again!