Taking Care of the Grandkids
At Rise: Lights onto a unkempt pretty bare room with a bed on center stage left and a table more towards up stage right facing the audience with an old man sitting at it. With a few empty tuna cans, can be another type of food, as long as they are all the same.
Characters:
Sarah
A 10 year old girl, brat with a whiney voice who wants to be a movie starprincess, not at all bright but a suck up, so gets good grades, and a show off. She is abusive, without seeming to realize it to her brother, Barney. Skinny, feels overshadowed by Barney, which her parents try to overcompensate for by giving her much stuff but little attention. White trashy looking.
Barney
Eight years old, undersized but cute, mute, paralyzed below the waste, extreme facial expressions, switches often to different sides of the spectrum, and hand movements, wants to be a politician, intelligent but considered slow. He is actually able to walk and talk but won’t if there is anyone around, He likes to be perceived as an innocent child and be lavished with love by his parents, even if that means the occasional beating from his sister and grandpa. Angelic looking has a teddy stuffed animal to play with when he doesn’t already have something to do.
Gramps (Dick)
Old scrawny looking man, fought in some war, on an undefined side, could be played with an accent, has a scraggly voice clears his throat in a guttural manner. Not in possession of all his marbles. Has a cane which he uses more than is necessary, he is in a way vigorous.
Scene One
(Gramps is looking a calendar in a suggestive approving way making noises and grunts of how nice or appealing)
Gramps: Ooo look at that pussy! It is huge! I have never seen one so big, or hairy. I have seen a lot of dandy pussies in my time but that one takes the cake.
A noise from stage left, Sarah walks in pushing Barney in a wheelchair she has a sullen expression and Barney an agonized one
Sarah: (whiney) Gra-amps! (She dumps Barney from his wheelchair onto the floor unceremoniously with a great thud, he lies on the floor dramatically, and she pushes his wheelchair away, he inches towards it using only his arms, dragging himself across the floor, stuffed animal in his hands.)
Gramps: (hardly looking up from the calendar, grunts) What are you two doing here? Aye? …Oh my, what an exotic looking pussy.
Sarah: Mommy and Daddy said if you don’t do a good job taking care of us then they are gonna send you to that crusty old folks home down the street, and that they will never visit you, and that you will die alone, filthy and dirty and unloved and grouchy, but I said that you wouldn’t care, cause you are always dirty and grouchy anyhow. Either way I’m telling if you don’t do a good job.
Gramps: *Cough*LittleBrat*Cough*, Of course I’ll do a good job! Come look at this, you’ll like it.
Sarah: (comes over and looks at the calendar) Oh, kittens, I like puppies MUCH better.
Gramps: Don’t you think they are cute? Look, at that one! It is silly; it is wearing a puppy costume! Ha, Ha!
Sarah: That’s not funny Gramps, or cute, it insults puppies. Jeez old people are weird… And they smell funny, like playdoh!
Gramps: Excuse me young lady? You show respect to your elders, or else! (brandishes his cane threateningly)
(Barney has now made it to his wheelchair and is in the process of trying to pull himself onto it.)
Sarah: Look at Barney! He still won’t walk or talk! He never does what he is told!
Gramps stands up and stomps over to Barney, pulling the wheelchair out from under him)
Gramps: Whatchya doing there boy! Whatchya got that chair for! Wheelchairs are for cripples! No grandson of mine is no cripple! I got shot at in the war; I risked life and limb for my country! You have watched them cartoons, what is it? Hey Bob and Arnold Squarepants! If any one deserves to be a cripple it is me! (sits in the wheelchair) So are you a cripple, boy? And the answer better be right.
(Barney shakes his head, no)
Gramps: Okay then boy, get up. And while you’re at it go grab me my ginger ale from the table. Look I’m no tyrant, if you are embarrassed about walking like a girl, I’ll even close my eyes for thirty seconds, while you get it.
(closes his eyes and begins counting, Barney looks at Sarah pleadingly, she laughs and sticks he tongue out at him, so he begins to scrabble across to the table in as fast an army crawl as possible.)
Gramps: Nineteen! Thirty! (Barney is almost to the table, Gramps stands up and approaches)
Sarah (cackling): Get him gramps! He is always stealing attention from me at home with his pretending he can’t walk, or even speak! He needs to be punished! He never respects his elders!
Gramps: Everybody hates a tattletale, Sarah, maybe that’s why your parents give Barney more attention.
Sarah: Gramps! I’m telling! You promised to be nice to me!
Gramps: I did no such thing. (Barney has by this time retreated under the table, and assumed a meditation pose, he had to use his arms to move his legs into it, and is watching the proceedings between Gramps and Sarah with delight.)
Sarah: Did too!
Gramps: I won’t argue, I’m older, so I win. Hey Barney! Get out from under there! (Barney shakes his head) C’mon boy, here boy! I won’t hurt you. Good boy. *whistles* C’mhere boy, be a good boy. (Barney still refuses, now latching onto a leg of the table.)
Sarah: That’s not how you do it! GET OUT FROM UNDER THE TABLE BARNEY! NOW! (Sarah grabs hold of Barney’s legs and begins to pull, Barney keeps on and even attempts to use his mouth to hold on to the table leg as well)
Gramps: Move out of the way! (takes Barney’s legs and grunts as he pulls, he finally succeeds when he plants one of his legs against the table but it causes him to fall with Barney onto of him, onto the floor.) I will keep out of the old folk’s home yet, we’ll see who says Gramps has outlived his usefulness!
Sarah: But you are just back to where you started only now you are on the floor. (Gramps gets up and retrieves his cane, Barney lays flat but quivering)
Gramps: Shut up, girl! When I want your opinion I’ll ask for it, but don’t hold your breath! Actually… How long can you hold your breath?
Sarah: A super long time! Wanna see?
Gramps: Okay, let’s see if you can hold it until I as for your opinion. (Sarah holds her breath)
Gramps: Bobby, You know I love you right, boy? You know I just want what its best for you and your sister? That I am only trying to get you to walk because it is for the best? You two are my only grandchildren.
(Sarah faints)
Lights out
End Scene
Scene Two
(Sarah wakes up screaming)
Gramps: SHHHshhh!!! SHHH! Please, Sarah, please, what will the neighbors think! You sound like a banshee, actually a teenager, a teenager banshee being taught to drive by six and a half elephants, with another four children pachyderms in the back complaining and asking, ‘are we there yet? Are we there yet? How bout now? I’m hungry get me a kid’s meal, I halfta use the potty’ You know how close I came to leaving your mother on the side of the road? I’ll tell you, I didn’t come close; I actually did leave your brat mommy on the side of the road with your Uncle Bill once. My wife of the time insisted I retrieve them. I wish I never had kids, I used to wish I had got killed in the War or that my wife had accidentally fallen down the stairs during her pregnancy… (He trails off seeing Sarah staring at him with big eyes)
Sarah: Barney wouldn’t exist then, would he?
Gramps: Well, no, but child, you know I didn’t mean that, right? Don’t tell your parents!
Sarah: I hate you Gramps! Why couldn’t you have aborted mommy by pushing your wife down the stairs when you had the chance? Hu? HU? Then she wouldn’t send me to bed without desert for picking on Barney, because then she wouldn’t exist, and neither would he, my life would be perfect!
Gramps: You know you wouldn’t exist either, you stupid ungrateful brat.
Sarah: Look at Barney! I think he is dieing! You are gonna be in soooo much trouble if he dies! (Barney stops quivering and holds as still as possible hoping they will forget about him, then slowly inching away)
Gramps: Boy! What do you think you are doing? C’mon boy! No dieing on MY watch. (pokes him not gently with his cane) Well what do you have to say for yourself? (Barney shakes his head and points to his throat trying to indicate muteness)
Sarah: Can I hit him? With your cane? I bet that’ll get him to talk.
Gramps: Fine, here you go, get ‘im good (hands her the cane, Barney puts his arms around his neck in a defensive position, Sarah hits him lopsidedly, but well, knocking him out of position, he looks up with a face like he is about to sob, and swiftly but awkwardly moves into a praying position, moving his legs with his hands again)
Gramps: Not like that, girl! Children these days! So weak, so stupid! Give me that, I’ll show you how it’s done! (Takes the cane and hits Barney, who is moving his mouth rapidly in mouthing his prayer, hard, sending him sprawling, Gramps comes down heavely on his cane, hand on his back)
Gramps: Ahg! I through out my back! (Barney sits up rubbing himself and grins, then points and moves his mouth like he is laughing)
Sarah: (whining) Grammps! Grammps! It did’nt work. (Gramps ignores her Barney looks smug)
Sarah: Bar-ney Gramps is boring, lets play Candy Land (Barney looks up and shakes his head pleading look, mouths words and uses hand motions, Sarah begins to drag him by a leg, at first he looks distressed then sits back and relaxes, big grin)
Gramps: (still relying on his cane with an aching back) No, That’s enough out of you two, bed time.
Sarah: Its two O’clock.
Gramps: So?
Sarah: So only babies rake naps at two O’clock.
Gramps: As far as I am concerned you are babies, get in bed and go to sleep. (Barney pretends to be sleeping immediately, obviously pretending, snoring loudly, still on the floor)
Sarah: That is SO unfair; I don’t think I can even sleep with all this light. Besides, I want to watch TV the Hannah Montana with the Jonas Brothers was on when we left our house, I LOVE that episode. I am going to marry Hannah Montana and the two older Jonas brothers.
Gramps: I don’t have a TV, but I do have a special medicine to make you sleep. (goes and takes a rum bottle from under the pillow of the bed, brings it over to sarah in a small cup)
Sarah: I don’t like medicine
Gramps: It’s good for you, drink up! See I will even have some (takes a generous swig)
Sarah: Fine, (drinks it quickly)
Sarah: (gasping and gagging) That was gross! It stings! (gramps returns bottle to under pillow, Barney’s eyes’ open to watch)
Gramps: Feel sleepy yet?
Sarah: (slurring and swaying) I feel funny.
Gramps: Go to sleep, I always gave your mother that medicine when she was little. Works almost as good as Bunyan cream.
Sarah: (giggling) Hey-hey-hey-hey hey hey. Did hey I ever thell I mean lell I mean told you about my pararakeet? I loved her, more than I love anyone in my but head family, but SHH! don’t tell anyone I’m related to or or oh hehehee I’ AM related to you, SHHHH!
Gramps: sit down in this cozy chair
Sarah: I loved her SOOOO much, I called her Princess Feathers, cause she had peacock ancestorys I tell her. (allows herself to be lead to the chair) but but one day, one day I came home and she she was gone, I axed my mommy and dadaddy where she was and they said she went to a farm, a farm! And that she was happy. I don’t believe that, I think I think she isn’t happy, you see? You see? Paraeats don’t like farms! (bursts out laughing)
Gramps: Sush, go to sleep now.
Sarah:Wooooowooooo I don’t wanna sleep! I want Princess, she’s dead though! And I want everyone to see how great I am, but Barney is alive! (Starts sobbing but it slowly calms down and she slouches in the chair asleep, Barney watches with a happy expression, Gramps takes the other seat and continues to look at the calendar with happy clucking)
Gramps: (looks up at Sarah once more and smiles) As far as your parents will be concerned we played candy land the entire time.
Scene Three
(Sarah wakes up)
Sarah: (yawning) What happened? Ow! I have head ache.
Gramps: Waking up sleepy head? I hope the bed bugs didn’t bite too hard… I should clean my sheets more often. Oh but you slept in the chair, not BED bugs in chairs.
Sarah: You are so gross Gramdpa.
Gramps: You will either call me Gramps, or Sir! (brandishes his cane, then remembers himself, and smiles forcedly) or anything else you want, darling! You can even call me by my first name; I’ve gots a good old fashioned name unlike you kids today, what child has a name as regal as Dick? Or who shortens a perfectly good name like Bernard into Barney? When I was a kid…
(Barney nods in agreement and glares at Sarah)
Sarah: Gramps! Shut up! You’re giving me a headache! OW! (Clutches her head) I called Barney, Barney because I used to watch a stupid baby show about a dinosaur named Barney, and my parents thought it was cute, cause I am always cute anyhow, so now everyone calls him that. …Dick, what did we do before my nap?
Gramps: We played Candy Land! And watched Leave it to Beaver.
Sarah: (disbelieving) Yeah, and I like coming over here, and I love to hear about when you were a young, like a thousand years ago, and I like to miss Hannah Montana to be with you and Barney! I would never watch one of your crusty oldfolks shows, and you forgot something kinda important, Gramps: you don’t own a TV! OW! My head! OW! Too loud too loud!
Gramps: Serves you right. Look, let’s make a deal; you tell your parents you had a good time at your poor elderly but able, grandpa’s house, and I’ll promise not to kill you.
(Barney laughs, Sarah looks at him without seeing)
Sarah: Haha! Stop joking Gramps, you wouldn’t.
Gramps: Says who? I have killed men at war that I had no personal grudge against; what’s to stop me from killing you?
Sarah: You would be in so much trouble.
Gramps: What do I care, child? What do I have to live for if your parents send me to an old folk’s home? Nothing, so if I go down, I’ll drag you down with me. (barney still happy looking)
Sarah: (now looking smug) You’ll go to hell, so you wouldn’t and even if you did kill me, I would go to heaven.
Gramps: I believe in Jesus, that’s enough. Besides, assuming you would go to heaven, how long do you think it will be before the Jonas brothers died? Or Hannah Montana? By the time they would join you they would be as old as me at least. Besides isn’t your father Baptist? Baptist don’t go to heaven.
Sarah: (with a look of horror) I’ll do whatever you say! I can’t marry Hannah Montana when she is old!
Gramps: We played Candy Land. (Says slowly)
Sarah: We played candy land.
(Loud knocks on door)
Gramps: That would be your father. I’ll take this just in case (retrieves a comically old riffle from under his mattress Barney holds very still Gramps and Sarah start walking off stage)
Gramps: Be in your wheelchair by the time we are back, boy! (Barney nods)
(From offstage)
Sarah: Daddy! Gramps didn’t treat us wel- (gets cut off by two gunshots, screaming of Gramps, which soon ends, and Sarah, a man calls ‘’ll go get help.” Barney looks around, sarah crawls back onstage from the same way she came only now bloody and her legs dragging behind her the way Barney gets around.)
Sarah: Barney, Barney, help me, help me! (Barney looks at her with scorn) Gramps went crazy! I mean Crazier! He shot me, then he shot himself! Right in his nose! AH! Mommy fainted and Daddy’s getting help! But Barney, my baby brother, I don’t think I can survive much longer unless you stop my bleeding, (Barney appraises her then deliberately gets up)
Sarah: (screeching) I knew it! I knew it! You Liar! You did just want all the attention! I’m so telling-(Barney laughs art this, walks over and kicks her brutally, preferably in the butt. She slumps; Barney looks down scornfully for a moment then checks to see if anyone is around once more)
Barney (speaking to stuffed animal): C’mon nibbles, I’m thirsty (ambles over to the alcohol, weighs it for a moment, smiles, and takes a gulp)
(Lights out.)
