Aim for the Heart

This is my sonnet! I chose the object theme.

The secretary offers HeartGuard pills
and gestures to the swollen, pickled heart
of a worm-ravaged dachsund dog named Bart.
"Please protect your dog," she says. "Heartworm kills."
Staring mortified at the organ's frills
and the holes that tear ventricles apart,
you say to the woman, angry and tart,
"I would, but first I have to pay my bills."

You watch the organ's caramel tentacles
and twine your hand in your Dalmatian's fur,
imagine her heart in the salty bog
with heartstrings tied in morbid pentacles.
You pray the same doesn't happen to her,
pay your last cent for the sake of your dog.

Um...

Well that was interesting. Not really what I was expecting, but it was cool. Lol, so I get the image that this dog is sick and they are trying to cure it, right? Yeah.

Well, I read it out loud and there was nothing that I really felt that needed to be changed besides this, which is really kind of completely random but made me laugh:

""I would, but first I have to pay my bills."

XD

So good job! I'll be looking for more of your stuff!

BBB

I really liked the unique subject you chose to write about.
I have to admit this is the first time I have ever read a poem on Hear worm.
well written, and you don't need to change a thing.

Carl

Hey,that was realy good!!! i like your writing style! -Banana

ew that is so gross u and ayra both r bad writers. sorry but this isnt good.

Nice! I liked this one a lot. It was not gross, as 4uiwoulddie, but actually pretty sad and sort of bittersweet. Your vocabulary carried it through the end, even though it was shaky at parts.

The main problem here is the ending. I think that the main theme of this sonnet is how money is bad (well, sorta) because money buys us happiness and good health. That's why, in order to truly hit your readers in the heart, you need to change the last two lines: instead of giving the pills that will save your dog's life to the dog, make it that pennyless, you are unable to free your dog of the disease. (Just a suggestion!)

"Please protect your dog," she says. "Heartworm kills."
This is a flow-stopper. Maybe: "Please protect your dog," she says--"heartworm kills."

"her"
Isn't it a he? (Bart?)

Hoped I helped!

When your English teachers says sonnet, this isn't what he means, is it?

This was beautiful in a sort of sick way -- I don't know how to describe it. It is certainly graphic, but it is such a poignant image of a woman worried about her dog. *hugs my own dogs*

The last line was a little confusing for me however. I didn't really get what you were trying to say. That the person would actually not pay her bills for the sake of their dog, or that they feel awful about it, but they really do need to pay their bills before worrying about their dog? I really didn't understand it.

But, I still could enjoy the poem, which I did very much. You have great talent. Fabulous.

~GryphonFledgling

ew that is so gross u and ayra both r bad writers. sorry but this isnt good.

Thank you, 4uiwouldie, for that tasteless and insulting comment. Number one, you have no right to call me a bad writer when you can't even spell out "you" and "are." Number two, why bring Ayra into this? She's a fantastic writer with an unbeatable talent for elegant prose. Number three, I respect your opinion, but you never call anyone a bad writer, period.

Cheerio. Have a lovely day.

And gadi, thank you for the comment about changing the ending. You're absolutely right; it would give the poem a lot more power.

Fledgling--um, no, my English teacher wouldn't call this a sonnet. This is actually my first sonnet ever. I just followed the rhyme scheme.

Thanks for comments, everybody!