The Shallow King (A Set of Fantasy Quatrain)

The Shallow King
For seven years the king had reigned,
Yet no worthy damsel had he claimed.
The problem, to his squire, he'd laden,
And bid him find a worthy maiden.

He searched the kingdom high and low
For the fairest girls each village could show,
He gave each a gift, and to them bade,
"Attend his majesty's beauty parade."

When the ladies arrived, pristine and fair,
The king addressed the kingdom there,
"I have searched for perfection my entire life.
I'll make one of these girls my beautiful wife."

In the crowd, a woman did sneer -
She'd admired the king for many a year.
He was courageous, handsome and kind,
But the king was also shallow of mind.

To him having a wife, the girl objected,
And a hideous curse at the king directed:
"If I cannot win your adulation,
I will cast a spell on the entire nation!

"May the beauty drain from each lady's face,
May the entire kingdom be sapped of its grace!
Unless your frivolous ways are rifted,
This witch's curse will never be lifted!"

For many more years the king did reign,
Yet no worthy damsel could he claim.
The king would not change his shallow heart -
The curse had slowly torn him apart.

From this tragic tale a lesson is learnt:
Love should not be given unless it is earnt.
Beauty isn't of skin, but of the soul.
Love deeply and your life will be whole.

End


(Kinda corny ending, huh? >.<)

Hello, love! It's been so long!

I don't do much with this kind of stuff, so we'll see what I can come up with.

For seven years, the king had reigned,
Yet no worthy damsel had he claimed, [period instead]
The problem, to his squire, he'd laden,
And bid him find a beautiful maiden.

He searched the kingdom high and low, [no comma]
For the fairest girls each village could show,
He gave each a gift, and to them bade,
"Attend his majesty's beauty parade."

When the ladies arrived, pristine and fair,
The king addressed the kingdom, and did declare,
"I have been searching for a partner my entire life, [period instead]
I will make one of these girls my beautiful wife."

For the second line, would this work better? ...the king addressed them all and had declared...?

In the crowd, a woman did sneer, [dash]
She had admired the king for many a year, [period instead]
He was courageous, handsome, valiant, and kind,
But the king was also shallow of mind.

"If I cannot win your adulation,
I will cast a spell on this entire nation!" [no quotation mark here?]

"May the beauty drain from each lady's face,
May the entire kingdom be sapped of its grace!
Unless your frivolous ways are rifted,
This witch's curse shall not be lifted!"

Maybe it's some poetry code, but I know in story format, you don't have the quotes at the end of the line when the speaker continues to the next paragraph.

For many more years, the king did reign,
Yet no worthy damsel did he claim, [period instead]
The king could not change his shallow heart, [dash instead]
The curse had slowly torn him apart.

From this tragic tale, a lesson is learnt, [colon instead]
Love should not be given unless earnt, [period instead]
Beauty isn't of skin, but of the soul, [period instead]
Love deeply and your life will be whole.

You know, maybe semicolons would work instead of those periods.

You impress me, man. You always say "Oh, it's not very good," so I expect just that. When I read it, I become jealous! Stop fooling around with me! You have talent, and what I said above are just suggestions on punctuation.

I hope I helped, and good luck in the competition/grade!

Jabber, the One and Only!

XD I'm not lying. I'm not very good at poetry...This however was narrative and things, so it worked out alright in the end! =)

And some things i do think are naff...You didn't read my christmas wishes thing...that was naff!

...Yeah, it's hard to tell if anything's any good until i get an opinion, because sometimes i get a good feeling writing them, and its bad....and sometimes i get a bad feeling writing them, and they work out good!

Thanks for the crit!


((Oh yeah...I think I made it flow better now too!))

Hey, this poem is actually pretty good. And the rhymes don't sound contrived, either. Keep up the good work!
P.S. Glad you liked my play!