Secret Within

Time tick-tocks itself away, as I remain in this solidified place.
Exiled from my world, stuck in a lonely shadow without any light.
The whisper of the nightly wind is my only companion.

Ancient dreams of happiness have faded as depression has sunk in.
The thoughts of yesterday have turned into fears of tomorrow.
Life is gone as I had once knew it.

If I concentrate my thoughts back upon past days, I see a different story.
Not the story I now hopelessly claim, but a brighter, older, less complicated one.
A story with people, children, smiles and sunshine, a blissful ignorant story.

But a story is a story, and reality has a hold of me.
Life is life, and endings are eternal, this is how it’s supposed to be.
It’s like the only thing a simple girl can’t change.
It’s destiny.

This was really good, for a first post.

So I will do an edit and make sure this point is sharp, because at the moment it's dull and lifeless.

Time tick-tocks itself away, as I remain in this [s]solidified [/s]place.
Exiled from my world, stuck in a lonely shadow [s]without any light[/s].
The whisper of the [s]nightly [/s]wind [s]is [/s]my only companion.

[s]Ancient dreams of happiness have faded as depression has sunk in.
The thoughts of yesterday have turned into fears of tomorrow.
Life is gone as I had once knew it.[/s]

(This was all telling, not showing, and I think it was really unnecessary. )


If I concentrate [s]my thoughts [/s]back [s]up[/s]on past days, I see [s] a different story. [/s]
[s]Not the story I now hopelessly claim, but[/s] (Instead of telling, SHOW the story.) [s]a brighter, older, less complicated one. [/s]
[s]A story with people, children, smiles and sunshine, a blissful ignorant story. [/s]

[s]But a story is a story, and reality has a hold of me. [/s]
[s]Life is life, and [/s]endings are eternal, [s]this is how it’s supposed to be. [/s][s]It’s like [/s] and the only thing a simple girl can’t change.
[s] it's [/s] is destiny.

This still isn't complete with the deletes: you need to delve into specifics, show us what you left and what you feel. You use words, but you don't string them. "I cried because my best friend died" is better than "I cried because of past sadness", and "The tears fell for Amelia" is better than "I cried because my best friend died." You see?

Hope I helped! PM me if you have any questions!

PS: Welcome to YWS!

Hi! Welcome to the YWS! Please take a moment to look at the Rules & Guides. We do ask that you make at least two reviews of others work before posting every one 1 piece of your own work and that the ratio stays 2:1. Thanks!

Now onto the poem...

My biggest pet peeve with this is that it's a story. It sounds a lot like a well thought out journal entry. I really actually like the ideas you have here, the diction and the style...but it needs to not all be in complete sentences. If you took all the "enters" out of this and made it a paragraph it would make just as much sense as it would as a poem, and the structure is much more paragraph like. But...really I do like your ideas--just try using commas, semicolons, hyphens, odd breaks...things like that...and less complete sentences.

Good luck!

Good ideas,but I think they could be great ideas if you expressed them more poetically. The syntax is very journal-entry-style, and a lot of the suggestions gadi made would make it read and feel more like a poem.
What else stood out to me was the way you directly told us what was going on, I just felt like I didn't have to do any work so there wasn't any satisfaction at the ending where I went, "wow, that was clever."

Ancient dreams of happiness have faded as depression has sunk in.

That is outright telling me what the poem's about. You may as well jsut end it there. Don't use the word "depression" in a poem like this; it's too direct. It's not poetic and it's way, way too loaded. We want to hear subjectively what it's like for you. Don't label it 'depression.' Same with the word 'destiny' at the end. That was an unfulfilling end to a reasonable poem.

I believe the content of this, is rather interesting. However there is a lot of it and only half is necessary!!!

It does sound like a story. If it was cut down and re-structured it could be alot better.

Good Luck for future work.


Dofs....