Notradeem

By Angel V.



As I go through the maze

The winds whisper secrets and praise

Go Left, Go Right, Up and Down

It’s hard to know when to turn around



They tell me the legends, and secrets, and dreams

Of the forgotten people of Notradeem

I follow the light that guides’ my way

Not knowing what to do or say



The scenery around the maze is grand

More fairest than all the land

I travel for hours of wake

Not knowing what awaits my fate



And finally we come

To a magnificent place

Full of awe and golden lakes

And flowers bloom everywhere



I ask the fairy what is this place

This is Notradeem my home

I am one of the forgotten of this unknown

All the children stopped believing in us





Now we fade into the dust

To be forgotten once again

Come forth my family and friends

Show this child how to believe again



Thousand of lights come from the trees

Just to make be believe

I tell them I have always believed

They tell me that’s why I can see



The forgotten people of Notradeem

Mhmm, this was a simple poem--it's more like a normal, average and dull piece of writing, like an aching headache. (Yes, I compared your poem to a headache. Sorry about that.)

Some suggestions are to completely throw this away and if you want to talk about your secret land, do it without rhymes and with imagery that uses evocative senses, such as

smell (this is the most evocative sense, even more than sight! Use it quantitively!)

sight

touch

hearing

taste (Only use it when you taste food, not anything...gross.)

This is my major suggestion for you. I didn't like the poem particularly, but that's just me. Sorry.

PM me if you need any help understanding what I said or maybe to chop off my fingers with rage and fury and disappointment.

The concept is good, it's just not executed as well as it could be. Either decide to make it a rhyming poem, a metered poem, or a freestyle. As it is, my mental rhythm is thrown off as I read it. Close your eyes and imagine the scene-- find some unique details about it. Try to give readers images and experiences only you can give. Try to make them see the world, or the story, in a different way; that's what poetry is all about.

Good luck!
Cheers,
~Shafter

wow harsh critiques lol but i'll take or advide and work on it