The Party

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I'm dancing with the Reaper;
feet dragging across the floor
as he spins me round and round.
The crowds part,
silent and unobtrusive as the wind
against his breath.
The corn against his scythe.

We pause.
Death's apprentice offers me another drink;
pomegranate for Persephone.
I thank him graciously and
allow the tainted substance to
pass my lips.

He hisses in my ear,
his serpentine words that cause
my lips to part and he slips
his whip down my throat,
lashing the inside of my mouth.

The Reaper slobbers across my neck,
leaving traces of repulsive saliva.
He inhales my breath
and sucks at my lips like a vacuum cleaner,
drawing out my filthy soul.

"Down to the cellar for more wine?"
he suggests neutrally.
I shake my head.
"Upstairs it is then."

His hands press against my flesh
as he lifts me over his shoulder
like a corpse.
My guests cheer loudly.
We ascend.

The bogey man is lurking beneath my bed,
sloshing foul, putrid liquid across the floor.
"Move along, fiend," the Reaper says.
He leaves us.
My Reaper lays me on the mattress
and draws back the sleeve of my dress.
His dagger pierces my skin, striking past the tender guards
to fill my goblet with more poisoned wine.

My heart races faster and
the room grows distant.
The clock strikes twelve.
Downstairs, the demons remove their masks,
peeling away the flesh that fit so snugly
to their features.

Farewell my murderers, I'll see you in hell.

_________________________
Okay so there's something drastically wrong with it. I know that much but what? Too long? Lack of imagery? That's where you guys come in - I need help!

Shopa, darling, I really like this. I enjoy the imagery, and the concept. I think you've done so very well with it.

Now, as to the issues:

I like the start, I think it's a brilliant way to draw the reader in. I do, however, think it loses something in the middle there, in these two stanza's I think:

"The Reaper slobbers across my neck,
leaving traces of repulsive saliva.
He inhales my breath
and sucks at my lips like a vacuum cleaner,
drawing out my filthy soul. "


Word usage here, I think... "slobbers" is a effective term, but it doesn't seem to fit with the elegance that you've created. Same with "vacuum cleaner" - although with this I think if you just take out "cleaner" you'll be right.


"The bogey man is lurking beneath my bed,
sloshing foul, putrid liquid across the floor.
"Move along, fiend," the Reaper says.
He leaves us."


Not so sure about this either. How important it is, and how it fits with the rest of the poem. While I think you could take it or leave it, I do like the imagery somewhat, and I like the idea of the liquid across the floor.


In the end, I really like this, and think you've done a fantastic job. ^^ I also enjoy your last lines very much. Keep up the good work, dear, this was great.


*Hearts* Le Penguin.

I'm just going to hack it as I feel. ^_^

I'm dancing with the Reaper [comma]
feet dragging across the floor
as he spins me round and round.
The crowds part,
silent and unobtrusive as the wind
against his breath [comma--notice how the next line isn't a clause on it's own? That is why you need a comma]
The corn against his scythe.
[The imagery here is great, and I didn't get it just now. The crowd parts like the cutting corn, silent, willing to die without a noise.]

We pause.
Death's apprentice [who is this? why does he matter?] offers me another drink;
pomegranate for Persephone. [I love alliterations]
I thank him graciously and
allow the tainted substance to
pass my lips. [I love the phrase "pass my lips"]

He hisses in my ear [no comma]
[s]his[/s] serpentine words that cause
my lips to part and he slips
his whip down my throat,
lashing the inside of my mouth.
[for some reason, I didn't like the imagery here so much. Perhaps because the idea of a whip going down one's throat--though you do mean tongue--makes me want to choke. Although, that is for the better...]

The Reaper slobbers across my neck,
leaving traces of repulsive saliva.
He inhales my breath
and sucks at my lips like a vacuum cleaner,
drawing out my filthy soul.

[b][I felt that in this previous stanza and the one before it, you used lips again. It worked best in S2, and then every other time you said "lips" I was bothered by the repetition. I'm not sure how you could fix that]

"Down to the cellar for more wine?"
he suggests neutrally. [do you really need this line?]
I shake my head.
"Upstairs it is then."

His hands press against my flesh
as he lifts me over his shoulder
like a corpse. [I really wish this went: "His hands press against my flesh as he lifts me over his shoulder. Like a corpse, I..." It's just how I see it...]
My guests cheer loudly.
We ascend.

The bogey man is lurking beneath my bed,
sloshing foul, putrid liquid across the floor. [If you make the "bogey man" leave, then what purpose is he serving in the poem? He might represent something, but not enough evidence is given to prove that he represents anything. and the line "he leaves us" is also unneeded. I think you could start this stanza at "My reaper lays me..."]
"Move along, fiend," the Reaper says.
He leaves us.
My Reaper lays me on the mattress
and draws back the sleeve of my dress.
His dagger pierces my skin, striking past the tender guards
to fill my goblet with more poisoned wine.

My heart races faster and
the room grows distant.
The clock strikes twelve. [symbolic, or cliché? Make your pick]
Downstairs, the demons remove their masks,
peeling away the flesh that fit so snugly
to their features.

[s]Farewell my murderers, I'll see you in hell.[/s]

I thought the last line didn't work; it ends well in the last stanza to stand on its own. Don't over do your theme. ^_^

I think the big problem is you are saying a lot of things you don't need to say; what does it do for your poem? Not a lot. But it does something for the story. Then, is this a poem, or a story? It is a poem. So, with that: be concise. It's beautiful, and I love the theme, and the imagery, and the feelings, and the creepiness. I think it just needs to be primmed and contorted a bit. Either way, your poetry is better than mind.

I left some things as questions, to spark your thoughts. Don't take my questions as sarcasm--they might lead you to add more to the poem, or rethink it, and that is why they are questions.

I'm in love with the tactile imagery throughout your poem, especially here: "he slips / his whip down my throat, / lashing the inside of my mouth. / The Reaper slobbers across my neck, / leaving traces of repulsive saliva. / He inhales my breath / and sucks at my lips like a vacuum cleaner, / drawing out my filthy soul."

I suggest, although it already works pretty fine, that you should be a little less blatant with the foreshadowing: "he lifts me over his shoulder / like a corpse." Instead of "like a corpse," you can say, "like how Abraham carried Isaac to the alter for lambs" (Genesis 22) or any other thing kind of like that. Allusions always make one's work a bit sophisticated and artistic.

Following up on the allusion thing, instead of "more poisoned wine" in, "His dagger pierces my skin, striking past the tender guards / to fill my goblet with more poisoned wine," how about "more of Gertrude's wine" or "Gertrude's poisoned wine"? (Gertrude is Hamlet's mother who also drinks poisoned wine at the end of the play.)

And with "sloshing foul, putrid liquid across the floor," can you be more specific? What liquid? Is it bile? Acid? Lysol? More poisoned wine? One little noun, like bile, allows the reader to taste and smell that fluid, the taste of vomit, the burning of one's throat from the acid, and its reeking stench.

Overall, don't be afraid to let the reader figure some stuff out on their own. I think that the reason this poem doesn't feel right to you is that it is so blatant and it hammers the reader on the head. As part of an audience, it is a lot more fulfilling to figure stuff out on your own and gripe, "I saw THIS in the poem and you didn't!" Allow us to interpret what your saying, because interpreting and analyzing is the reader's job; you, as a writer, only present the minimal information and clues required to let the reader figure out the main idea, but still leave them with enough leg room to debate the details amongst themselves. you should read other works and see how other writers give off the effect, but NOT the answers. But nonetheless, this is some hardcore, professional shit right here. Your passion for writing radiates from this poem like a thousand suns and a billion nukes. You should be very proud of this and keep on writing!

The Party (Version 2)

I'm dancing with the Reaper;
feet dragging across the floor
as he spins me round and round.
The crowds part,
silent and unobtrusive as the wind
against his breath,
the corn against his scythe.

We pause.
Death's apprentice offers me another drink;
pomegranate for Persephone.
I thank him graciously and
allow the tainted substance to
pass my lips.

He hisses in my ear -
serpentine words that cause
my mouth to part and he slips
his whip down my throat,
lashing the inside of my mouth;
bending my supple body
as he moves.

The Reaper slobbers across my neck,
leaving traces of repulsive saliva.
He inhales my breath
and sucks at my lips like a vacuum cleaner,
drawing out my filthy soul.

"Down to the cellar for more wine?"
I shake my head.
"Upstairs it is then."

His hands press against my flesh
as he lifts me over his shoulder.
The audience cheer.
We ascend.

My Reaper lays me on the mattress
and draws back the sleeve of my dress.
His dagger pierces my skin, striking past the tender guards
to fill my goblet with more poisoned wine.

My heart races faster and
the room grows distant.
The clock strikes twelve.
Downstairs, the demons remove their masks,
peeling away the flesh that fit so snugly
to their features.

Better or worse?

I really like this Kit. Actually, strike that, like isn't strong enough, I love it. Overall, I think the second version is better, but I'd leave in teh part about the bogeyman.

There's something not quite right about the second line. I can't quite articulate my reasons, but I'd try either:

"My feet drag across the floor"

or

"Feet dragging on the floor".

or, if you really want,

"Feet dragging 'cross the floor."

Your imagery is great here. I think I'd give "silent and" its own line, because the way it appears here isn't working with theway in which I want to read it... Other than that, in this stanza, I think "as he spins me round and round" is a little weak.

The next stanza is very good, but I'd try:

"I thank him and allow
The tainted substance pass my lips."
I'm sorry, once again, I have no reason, I'm just going with my intsincts here...

The imagery in the next stanza of the second version is brilliant. This is my favourite stanza. Again, for some unknown reason, I think I'd give "lashing" its own line. I'd also change "that" to "which" for teh sake of alliteration.

I think the next stanza is too close to prose. I'd change "across" to "down" as I think it's better for the rhythm. I think "repulsive" is unneccesary...please forgive me for playing with this, I'm typing as I think...
maybe;
"saliva stays in snailing trails"
or something like that. I know it's a bit out there...I think "and sucks my lips like a vaccum cleaner" is too long, but I like what you're saying....maybe;
"a vaccum cleaner at/on my lips."
I love "drawing out my filthy soul." It's brilliant.

I'm not sure the rhythm in the next stanza is quite right...please excuse my experimentation...;

"Down to the cellar
For more wine?"
I shake my head.
We go upstairs."

Ya, I think that flows a little more easily...

I like the next stanza. Again, I'd tweak it slightly for no concrete reason, so that it reads like this;

"His hands press
Against my flesh.
He lifts me
over his shoulder.
They cheer.
We ascend."

or

"His hands press against my flesh.
He lifts me over his shoulder.
They cheer. We ascend."

Actually, while I'm on it, I'm not quite sure about "lifts". I'm not quite sure what kind of a movement you're going for, so I won't make suggestions this time, but I think it could be a little stronger.

I love the next stanza, but I'd get rid of "the" before "tender guards".

I'm not sure about this last stanza...I think the first three lines are cliche. I'm not sure about "that fit so snugly/to their features." I like the image, but I'm not sure that the flow is quite right...and unfortunatelt, I can't think of an alternative...I'm sorry...this isn't very helpful...

Anyway, overall I think this is a really great piece. Your material gets drastically better with every piece, which is amazing, especially considering that it was great to begin with. Still needs a little polish, but I really do love it, a great idea, well expressed. Hope this helps.

Jas

I personally prefer the second version over the first by a mile.

The use of the various death identities, the reaper/scythe, the reference to pomegranates and persephone, and the imagery of a serpent are all wonderful allusions to western cultural iconography of death.

This, with the rather macabre diction, creates a really strong presence about the poem.

However

"and sucks at my lips like a vacuum cleaner, "

I'm definitely not a fan of this line. The imagery is great, and it may well be what you're looking for, but it clashes horribly with the rest of the poem.

I *love* the final thing about the clock striking twelve etc...the feel of a masquerade is really there. But I think you underuse this, there are solid options earlier in the poem where you could utilise the aspects of a masquerade (other than dancing which you obviously have). Perhaps the anonymity...isolation...freedom/imprisonment of it all could be used. Or not.

Either way I think you've got a great piece here and there isnt anything I can really critique about it (mainly because I'm not an...err...poetry person).

Cheerio,
Rubric

Hey!!
I really enjoyed this poem!
It had amazing imagery in it! And you did a really great job in describing everything!
I love the ending line. You did a good job in naming the other people.
I loved it all together!!
Keep up the awesome work!!
Kelsi =)

Hey
I loved this poem you wrote, its interesting and creative.
The imagry was really good, and the writing style kept me on edge.
Kepp up the excellent work, i really want to read more from you

Hi,
Wow! This poem was excellent. You did a really good job on this. I didn't really understand this part though:

Farewell my murderers, I'll see you in hell.

I think overall, it was wonderful.

This stanza i could picture well:

The Reaper slobbers across my neck,
leaving traces of repulsive saliva.
He inhales my breath
and sucks at my lips like a vacuum cleaner,
drawing out my filthy soul.

I have to say that my favorite part of the poem was this:

We pause.
Death's apprentice offers me another drink;
pomegranate for Persephone.
I thank him graciously and
allow the tainted substance to
pass my lips.

This poem was really well done. I'm going to go look for more of your pieces.

-lg*