Persuasive essay for my English class

Seven forty five in the morning is such a ghastly time to begin school. Perhaps starting at eight forty five in the morning instead would be better. Students and teachers would get extra sleep. We’d have more time to get around and do morning activities, and in more ways than just getting extra sleep it would benefit the teachers.

Research shows that more sleep students get the better they can perform in school. While it is the students job to ensure that they get enough sleep there are always extenuating circumstances that prevent that. Adding an extra hour onto their sleep time would greatly advantage their chances of getting a good night sleep and thus being able to concentrate at school better. Some students do already get enough sleep and are already doing well. Think of how the extra hour of sleep will assist them! It is quite a bit.

Then there will be more time in the morning for activities and clubs. Jazz band for example starts at seven every day-this relates back to the sleep issue-and would also benefit from the extra hour. It would grant some students a little lee-way on getting there on time.

There is also the added option for more clubs to take place in the morning, there are already a lot of clubs taking place at lunch and after school, so having some time before school to have meetings would lessen the pressure and allow students to join more clubs and have a wider spectrum of interests.

IT would also benefit the adults. At seven forty five in the morning even the adults are tired. Who wants to drive a bunch of rowdy kids to school in the dark? I doubt very many people would enjoy that too much. But while the kids being rowdy is beyond the sphere of control, it would be a little easier on the adults to drive them with a little more daylight over head. They would even get more sleep!

This would even benefit the teachers in their own special way. I have often seen teachers to scramble to finish lesson plans for the day, or getting a substitute teacher on time. Giving them that extra hour would make it so much easier on them for doing such things when they fall behind.

It would be greatly to our advantage if school were to start at eight forty five instead of the normal seven forty five. Students would get extra sleep. We would have more time to get ready and to hold morning activities. It would even allow the parents to be able to get a little more sleep themselves. And then the teachers would be able to finish up things they didn’t have time to do the night before.

This didn't seem finished to me. You just sort of, left it hanging. There didn't seem to be much structure, a least, nothing I've learnt, and it put me off.

I was very annoyed when you kept writing extra sleep, more sleep, lack of sleep etc. In general, I think you should find other words for sleep, because it's not a word like AND, where your eyes glance over it. It can get annoying.

so having some time before school to have meetings would lessen the pressure and allow students to join more clubs

How would this 'lessen the pressure'? I think it would make it worse, to because students would have to school even earlier.

IT would also benefit the adults

I'm assuming you mean It, and not information-technology.

Who wants to drive a bunch of rowdy kids to school in the dark?

Perhaps it's just where I live, but it's not dark at 7 am. Of course, maybe it is where you live and it's just a geographical issue.

Just a side note, I'm pretty sure research has been done, revealing that teenagers actually need more sleep. Not because they're lazy, but because, for some reason, they go to bed later and wake up later. Many schools have actually begun starting later because of this.

I hope this helped. I did like it and I'd love an extra hour of sleep in the morning.

Good job.

Your problem is that you don't sound very persuasive. You keep repeating yourself. I think an easy way to correct this would be to change your structure so that you are not repeating yourself. Just a quick example would be:

1st paragraph- Introduction to topic (be sure to sate only that you see a problem with coming to school at 7:45, and not any of your points)

2ND paragraph- Your first point goes here. So you could make this paragraph suited to support the need for more sleep

3rd paragraph- Your second point goes here. This paragraph would be well suited for the point about extra curricular activities.

4Th paragraph- Your third point goes here. If I were you I would expand the point about parents driving and make it a 'safety' issue

5Th paragraph- your last point goes here. You could mention the stress relief on the teachers.

6Th paragraph- conclude and state in animated language on how overall education would benefit from a time change.

Oh, and I think I should tell you I really like your topic choice.

I agree with the first two replys, there didn't seem to be much structure. I dont know if you did this on purpose, but there wasn't any real opening, with essays, you have to ease into the subject, it makes it easier to read, and it captures the attention of the reader. Overall, it was pretty good, hope this helped, thanks for posting!
Jenni

This essay did not at all persuade me. If the school started later it would not give people and extra hour of sleep because most people would just stay up later because they don't have to go to school as early. It would not give people extra time for clubs due to the fact that they would still have to go to school as early for them. I think if your going to stick to this idea, then make it longer and try to make more sense of what you are writing.

What this essay lacks is COHESION and STRUCTURE. At the moment, it feels like you're jumping around from one point to the next - it's too disjointed.

Like some other reviewers have said, your case didn't persuade me. Use more emotive language and strong, credible arguments that will sway your reader. Think of Martin Luther King's "I have a dream" - it may be a speech, but consider his powerful, emotive style.

Appreciate what the other side of the argument is, too. Imagine you're debating the issue and you're representing the opposition. How many holes can you find in your argument?

Remember that both your reasoning and your evidence must be compelling and convincing enough to persuade your audience. An introduction that hooks your reader - catches their attention - and a strong conclusion that powerfully sums up your case will help immensely. Don't simply restate your argument in your ending, develop it. The introduction and conclusion are the most important parts of a persuasive essay - plan them carefully.

Good luck!

6/10