I'd Like To Stay, But It Can't Be This Way

I'd like to stay,
but it can't be this way.
You're not the reason I love losing sleep.
Truth be told, it's a love we just can't keep.
Like the bird in the winter whose lost its summer song,
Like the cream cheese left in the fridge too long;
It has lost its cheer, it has all gone sour.

[quote="inky_libertine"]I'd like to say,
but it can't be this way.
You're not the reason I love losing sleep.
Truth be told, it's a love we just can't keep.
Like the bird in the winter whose lost its summer song,
Like the cream cheese left in the fridge too long;
[u]It's lost it's cheer, it's all gone sour.[/quote] [/u]

Everything above this point was excellent. But this ending sentence don't fit well when you read it. Sorry to say but true. Every other sentence rhyme but this one. I think you should change this one to rhyme with the others.\

TTYl Gothgirl01

Yeah, sorry but Goth Girl is right, the ending didn't fit very well. But if you expanded it a little I think it would be alot better. You didn't force the poem it just well, it kinda flowed. Nice job on no grammer errors I always make them. Anyways nice poem keep writing.

I liked the similes you used, but it seemed a little...unfinished. I was waiting for one more line, to rhyme with your last one, to just kind of round it all off, you know? And don't you mean stay, not say, in the first line? Good job aside from that though - keep writing.

I think the poem works in it's own little way. The last line could be used to explain why the love is not working. That last little ryhme does not fit like it should; it's outside the meter and scheme just as some relationships aren't quite harmonious. Like sour cheese or a solemn bird, sometimes it just doesn't fit. I would like to see, maybe the first tow lines elaborated on a little more. What is it you'd like to say? Other than that, it a simple, short, solemn poem that you should be proud of.

I agree that the last sentence should rhyme....

Your rhythm is good, and your rhyming is good also. I thought that the "cream cheese" part was kind of... cheesy... though.

Maybe, to help the flow, make the second "it has" in the last line into an "it's". And the last word of the first line should be "stay", shouldn't it?

Overall, I thought that the poem was good, but needs some work. It could be a lot longer and more descriptive. Why won't it work? This is a question that should be answered, and if you answer that with a good flow and good rhymes then you have a good poem. Last line needs work too....

Your flow was very good.

Keep writing!!!!!!

Teh Wozzinator