Against the Tide/ Love Lies

This is a re-write. I might post the original at some point... Suggestions for a title would be nice....

Love is but a lie to tame the heart,
To trap and chain; ensnare the soul.
Love is but the end and not the start
Of life. In truth, love has no role.

At first, the ocean is an azure blue
But then it splits; divided rivers flow.
Both rage and fight as they twist what was true
And what was false will increase. The lie will grow.

But with this growth, the rivers drift apart,
Lies span between them like hollow ravines
And as time trickles by, so does love start
To pass, to lessen; rivers become streams.

These streams, for a time, flow their separate ways
But, in the end, they fade, they cease, they die.
Love, like these waters, can last a few days
But it will always fail. Love is a lie.

I think you could have made more of the images you set up. You mention rivers and oceans, but I think it could be stronger if you describe them a little more in terms of the rest of the poem.

You say:
"And what was false will increase. The lie will grow."
And right before, love is compared to the ocean. Think how lines like this can continue the metaphor.

I also think that if you need to explain/ sum up what's going on (see the last two lines) than the rest of the poem is too weak to stand on its own.

I love this. I think it's my favourite that I've read by you. The first stanza was perfect.
I think I'd omit "an" in the first line of the second stanza, though I'm not sure exactly why! I think that the second line of that stanza is too long, so I'd omit a word, maybe "it", or you could say "divides and flows." This isn't really a problem, and it's fine the other way really, but I'm just nit-picking now!
I think the omission of a fourth line (or a third, really, given the rhyming scheme) disrupted the flow a bit, but it was a beautiful verse and the language was lovely.
I'm not sure about repeating "they" three times. I don't think it's necessary, and it sounds a bit monotonous. I disagree with AmeliaOliver on the last two lines, I think they sum it up nicely, and make it really hit home.
Overall, I thought it was really great. Your imagery is beautiful, your theme is well developed, and you make your point well.

I liked it though i think that the structure needs working on. I think that the first stanza seems out of place when you compare it to the content of the rest of the poem. The rest of the poem is about visulising love, whereas the first stanza is merely talking about love. To me it seems out of place.

'Love is but the end and not the start
Of life. In truth, love has no role.'

I think that the full stop in this is confusing. It disrupts the flow of the poem and makes it stumble on the last two lines of the stanza.

I iked the message in the poem and the last two lines of the poem are fantastic. I like the describtion and the imagery you have used.

Oooops. I've mis-typed this. There is a third line in that stanza. One sec, I'll add it...

Thanks for your comments though =)

you seemed bound by your rhyme scheme here. I'm not saying the rhymes don't help with the rhythm--they do. And I'm not saying you should nix them either--you shouldn't. Rather, I think that in the future you should
A) Expand beyond common topics. Yes, defining love is all fine and dandy, but try to write about things that are both gripping, and mean something to you.
B) Experiment with different styles and formats. Try writing free-flow, or fiddle around with refrains. There's a lot to be found in poetry formats, and I think seeking them out or creating your own could be hugely beneficial. It'll help you both grow as a writer and establish/fine tune your voice.



Good luck
~Ed

Hey Kitty,

I like the imagery that continues through the piece, I think you've managed to make the river/ocean metaphor carry through the poem without dominating it detrimentally. This is really important because let's face it, rivers as a metaphor for time has been done.

What I find interesting is that for a poem so jaded, so cynical, there is no identity to it. On the one hand this means that the poem is focussed, on the other it means that the reader is wondering 'why?'. However this is a good thing .

I really think that the final short sentence should be stronger, and the only way I can think of making this happen is by cutting the repetition, perhaps replacing *lie* in the first line with something else. In this way, the final declaration of the poem is a lot stronger, which i think is probably better than the *ooh look she finished with the same idea she started with* approach.

"And what was false will increase. The lie will grow.

But with this growth, the rivers drift apart"

I think perhaps 'and' would work better than 'but' because the idea of a lie growing is negative, even if it is a metaphor for love, and so is the rivers drifting. SInce they are both negative, 'and' seems to flow better (even if it is a sentence starter).

Everything else I can think of has already been picked so tht's ll for me.
Cheerio,
Rubric

Pish-posh. Let them say what they will. I applaud this piece! You run right into it with such strong convictions and you deliver! Such a bitter and passionate voice, I don't think you need to fine tune, you need to harness this anger, this dejection and channel it into many other fine works. I have yet to read your other pieces, but I assure that I'm going to read them all with zeal! The content was great. I like to say, "There are no right answers, though there are plenty of wrong ones." This is by no means a wrong poem. You've said what you wanted to say, but you've also done it in a captivating and entrancing manner. However, if we're supposed to be picky, I do have a few mechanical comments I must make.

In the first verse, second line, that semi-colon would be better suited as a comma. The flow works so much better that way.

Second stanza,second line, that semicolon would fit better as a period. Splits the ideas and contributes to the feel you're trying to place.

Second stanza, third line, should end with a period. That way, when the reader is going into the next line, your form of 'and' will be clearer and it will also lend itself to the choppy manner in which you place the period on the fourth line.


Other than those things, which just help the reader along a little in your secific style, it's excellent. You certainly know how you feel when you write this. Keep up the good work and I'm off to read your other pieces.
Third stanza, second, end with a period.
Fourth stanza, first line, end with a period.