Shiver down my Spine

I know it's been a while since I posted, sorry. Computer errors! But anyway, here you are:
Only some for who you truly care;
As soon as they come, they vanish into air.
She stares in my eyes through the night;
Some sort of window to my right.
Only one who knows what I can do
She'll keep pushing me right on through.
I need to last to make the people Know
The pain it takes to make the world still show.
Push me as I say "Sorrow will you please let me Be."
Soon from street bounds, I'll be Free

She stares in my eyes through the night;
Some sort of window to my right.
And all the sudden no one's around,
She's left me.
And in the last moments, before I'm found.
While Heaven still exceeds me,
The essence of Earth, the last I see
The howling winds, the moving sea.
And all the sudden every thing's in line,
A new sort of shiver down my Spine

Finally, from street bounds I am free.
The howling winds, the moving sea
A new sort of shiver down my spine
A new sort of shiver down my spine

Hi Floyd--

Reading this it sounds more like lyrics to me, especially with the rhyming and the repetition of the final two lines.

Really, though, I'd like to see some punctuation. I hate reading things in one breath...I turn all blue and need oxygen before I die and such and that's not very fun Punctuation lets the reader know where the pauses and breaks are and when the flow stops/starts. I'm try a revision with punctuation and see where that leaves you...and possibly consider this lyrics or lyric poetry over dramatic?

Good luck!

I'd say Via's covered about all of it; I like it, but I think it could benefit from a good shot of punctuation. It does sound an awful lot like a song, too; if it is intended to be, I'd love to know what style of music it is.

Hello,

I agree with Via, kinda like lyrics.
I have one suggestion though:

Only some for who you truly care
As soon as they come, they vanish into air

Maybe you could add this: Only some for who you truly care
As soon as they come, they vanish into thin air

It kinda lost my attention to be truthful with you But if it had a beat and more lyrics and stuff I think I would rather like it.
Keep going,
Genevieve

Ok, I added in a few periods and comma's. IDK how those make such a big deal, but whatever. As far as the "more like lyrics things goes" Yeah, I had the intent of turning it into a song, but I didn't have a distinct melody in mind, so I guess in my mind I sort it as more of a poem. Sorry.