True Love

This is dedicated to my wonderful bf.

Verse 1:

Only 16, and it feels so right.
Wrapped in his arms, he holds you tight.
But, how long will this last?
Forever is such a long time to pass.
So...

Chorus:
What will you do, what will you say
\When you know your love is oh so true?
What can you do, what can you say
When you learn his heart belongs to you?
Belongs to you

Verse 2:
He calls you just to say goodnight.
Your heart starts to take flight.
It's good just to know he's there,
That he actually cares.
But...

Chorus

Verse 3:
Hand in hand, you make memories
Like the hope you see shimmering in his eyes.
How could you have surrendered to this?
Surrendered to this.
Because...

Chorus

Verse 4:
Do I hear wedding bells ringing in the distance?
Or is that just my imaginings?
Imaginings.
For...

Chorus

Verse 5:
Only 16, and it feels so right.
Wrapped in his arms, he holds you tight.

Critiques are welcomed. XD

Hello, Jamie! I'm not much with lyrics/poetry, so I'll see what I can do. Hopefully, someone smarter than I will come along and give you a more in-depth crit.

Lol! Punctuation sooo doesn't count in lyrics, so ignore such comments. I'm just nit-picky and feel better when I correct them. Just bear with me.

Belongs to you...

(Assuming the voice trails off here. )

How could you have surrendered to this?
Surrendered to this.

How could you have surrendered to this, surrendered to this?

*stares up at punctuation corrections* I'm such a geek...

Anyway, it's pretty good. ^_^ I really have no issues with the message coming across. This song can go for anyone, not just your bf (even if it's dedicated to him) so I have no problem in that area.

It's hard to critique lyrics without the music, lol. However, I can picture drums and guitar and such, maybe even a keyboard. I dunno, that area of music, though, lol. It's very good. ^_^

I have officially discovered critiquing lyrics is not my thing, lol. My review is worth crud. I mean--hope it helped!

Keep writing! You're doing wonderful.

Jabber, the One and Only!

Interesting. I think you could be a bit more descriptive in the verses. Thats all I can think of


*Seraph*

I fall into this nitch all the time, its too repetitive, you don't have to do the chorus after every verse, maybe every other one.


And then in the forth verse...

Verse 4:
Do I hear wedding bells ringing in the distance?
Or is that just my imaginings?
Imaginings.
For...


You switch from sticking to "you"s to "I"s.

It sounds like a pop song right? At least thats the tone I'm getting or a less intense style of rock. But I liked it, it would be nice to hear sung.

This was a generally well written song, I myself have written a song or to but still yet need to post them. As I was reading this there were a few things I noticed about this that I liked and disliked. I'll start with the likes. I liked that when I read this I could put a tune to it without getting frustrated that something isn't working with the tune. I also enjoyed that I understood the text and that it made sense to be a song. I also enjoyed how you ended wit what you started it really helps to conclude the song, I personally LOVED that part. Now the dislikes/ critics...


Quote:
Verse 3:
Hand in hand, you make memories
Like the hope you see shimmering in his eyes.
How could you have surrendered to this?
Surrendered to this.
Because...


The you part messes up, as it says "hand in hand you make memories" wouldn't be "Hand in hand we make memories" I mean there are two people aren't there?

Second, the fact that you are constantly repeating the chorus bugs me sooooo much. I can't stress that point enough, so simply make it a chorus every second verse or something along those lines.

Next, I think you should have a bridge(a part that is a different tune from the rest of the song/a part that doesn't follow the pattern, the part leading up to the climax...Just in case you didn't know the definition)
It could really liven the song up.

Other than those things it is pretty good. It has lots of potential so please edit it.

Here are two links I think might help you with future songwriting....
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bridge_%28music%29
AND
http://www.robinfrederick.com/write.html



If you have any questions please PM me. Also please let me know when you have edited it by simply PM ing me.

Keep writing, you have lots of potential

-BroadwayGirl

I'm not sure how much songs differ from poetry, apart from that songs have more metrical things and generally a tune, so I'm going treat mostly as a poem.

I enjoyed this alot. I happen to also be somewhat of a romantic, so I can comprehend your style and focus. However, I feel that this is caught between the realms of a song and a poem. Your subject matter does fit under the looser standards of a song, but I feel that your delivery reflects a more poetic take.

As for the actual verses, your use of questions implies a conflict; drawing attention to specific focuses to show contrast, but you don't really reflect a problem or conflict at all. In fact, I'd have to say it's quite the opposite: you're showing contentment with your relationship, unless, of course, there's something you're not quite saying. In my opinion, you may need a stronger chorus to keep drawing back to it. (I also didn't see a bridge for the song. Did you intend one?)

I like the imagery. Your connotations work wonderfully and your tone is well executed. I just wonder if your song would be better suited as a poem. The content is great though. You have a little to work with meter-wise, but I enjoyed this.