Excerption: Student

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The boy woke up, last night was eventfully tiresome. He had his first sex, though he wasn’t entirely satisfied.

I have more fun urinating, he thought lying in his bed. Or maybe I just expected too much of a real orgasm. She wasn’t all that bad though her low-pitched moans were quite a discomfort. Then again, only porn stars can pull off the euphonious shrieking. She could’ve at least tried. Sperm thief... he thought. Yes, that’s all she was. No worry, there’s plenty more desperation where that came from.

At which point he realised she wasn’t there. The pillow beside his was as vacant as it had been ever since he had moved out. Parents were like condoms. They compromise your needs and pleasure for your safety and ‘well-being’. And just like that, I threw them away after use. It makes sense; life isn’t about living long at all.

He got up and slid his feet in the same old pair he got for his 15th birthday. A Cyborg was printed on its vamp, he smiled. Humans aren’t good enough as they are, they never will be. They were nice slippers, comfortable but they reminded him of the convenient lifestyle he had had before he made his first entirely and independently stupid decision.

“Good morning Ma’” he said as he walked out of the room. He knew there won’t be an answer. It was a conspicuous mockery of a greeting but that wasn’t why he said it. It was a habit now, even if it made him feel lonely and desperate.

He walked towards his rust-coated apartment window.

So it really was a good morning. Through his window he could see an urbanized colony. Where vanity was the prayer and achievement was a bad excuse for retribution. Everything felt like the reflection of the shadow of a shadow, with no depth or realistic meaning. So would the dog have run into a mirror if he saw a bone there? Or run after its own shadow till it got too dark to find its way back? It would’ve definitely made a better story.

He suddenly felt very stupid. It was time to go to school... to the same old shithole. It taught him nothing he ever gave a crap about. And if it ever became interesting, it would be accidental. But that wasn’t why he felt stupid. He had realised, last night was just another wet dream. What a shame, he deserves to be alone.
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He was walking to school like every other morning. He had to give it to the designers; the artificial scenery was a lot better than anything mother-nature could’ve pulled off. Probably because she was a mother and cared for the intrinsic needs of it’s descent. Not to compromise their comfort for beautification. My mother loved me...

He finally got there, and took a deep breath as he stood outside the school. I won’t have fresh air once I get in there, he thought. Semi-toxic perfumes and farts with nicotine supplements, the ingredients of modern air. While he was deep in thought, he noticed a man walk up to him. He was oriental, with abnormally shaggy epicanthic folds. He wondered if he had eyes at all. And then he spoke, with a tired voice and an oriental dialect.

“Where is school entrance?”

“Look around and enter where you find marijuana”

“Where?”

“Over there”

And he pointed at an obviously prominent sign which read ‘Entrance’. So is this man really blind?

He thanked the boy and walked away.

“Stupid old man" he murmered as he watched the man follow a path into the school entrance.
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Last edited by Bornsatin on Thu Jan 31, 2008 3:46 pm, edited 1 time in total.




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Hmm...this looks ineteresting. I hope there's more soon!

A few quick points:

"He got up and slid his feet in the same old pair he got for his 15th birthday"

This makes no sense until you get about three sentences further, where it then says slippers.

"What a shame, he deserves to be alone"

This tense change seems like an accident. Either that or that's him looking back on life then, from now.

If you have any questions or comments, feel free to PM me anytime.

MERRY WRITING
~Bella~
i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart) <3

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The first sentence is badly structured. Let me show you.

"The boy woke up, last night was eventfully tiresome. He had his first sex, though he wasn’t entirely satisfied."


The boy woke up the nights activity a blur, it was better this way as he'd always been told the first time was best. Though they lied just like everyone else did. Making love why the heck they even call it that, he thought.

See you're not telling so much, and we know he had sex the night before? It's only a suggestion because 'first sex' makes no sense. Even he'd lost his virginity would work. But not 'first sex'

I like how this was written very grown up but did it have to be so wordy? It was actually very wordy. he seems pessimistic but maybe ya could why. I've no clue why he is. The simile of condoms had great connatation as he's just lost his virginity night before. I agree with writer about slippers. Alot of it was quite hard to understand? He seems to think exellently what age is he actually? It's a great start, I'm not fan of idea. You've accomplished showing not telling. Just work more on lengthening it. As first sentence what everyone reads. Good luck

~VSN~
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