The Death of Pride

9 posts
User avatar
Gender Male
Points 2576
Reviews 90
i tried to make this an epic but things went awry- the same faults- the metre, the forced rhymes, O well, hope you like the story. if there are any names you dont get look at Wikipedia.
---------

In the evening of all Time,
When the old men rhyme,
When the evil men place their bets,
When the grandfather speaks of regrets,
Pride sits haughtily, and smiles.

In his ignorance, He stamps two cockroaches,
In the twilight, a madman approaches,
“Are you happy?” the madman says.
“I am,” He replies, “but you couldn’t be less.”

“Pray tell me, O madman, why are you here?
To tell me of your accomplishments? Come a little near.”
“I’ll keep my distance,” the madman said,
“I know you are the He, who the wise ones dread.”

In his anger, He squashes a fly,
“Do you mean to say, you wish to defy?
I recognise you now, madman, tell me all your dreams,
Those who stand in your way will seem like pasteurized creams.”

“Listen to you talk, when all you do is put,
A fly under fist, and a roach under foot.”
Pride roared in laughter, like the pealing of a thousand bells,
“You think so, madman? Now listen to something else.”

“Have you heard of Lucifer, madman, he was called the Morningstar,
But when I gave him a whisper, his ambition knew no bar.
You should have heard him at Paradise,
You would have changed your mind in a trice.”

“That night I laughed forever, when he fell from starry heaven,
He made himself a hell, to madness was he driven,
You should have heard him when heaven rebelled, madman,
For now you call him Satan, and others call him Shaitan.”


“Have you heard of Duryodhan, madman,
Who ruled the Kaurava clan?
He fought at Kurukshetra for me alone,
I took his mind and left him to moan.”

“He could not think, on the senseless brink,
With me he held an age old link,
Through my kin and me, he saw the world,
And with this in his eyes, into death was he hurled.”

“Have you heard of Babel, that humans built up so high,
That it drew God’s wrath and made the angels cry?
It was built through me, a trick I like to play,
So that when man came down he had such a lot to say.”

“Old Rome stagnated, when I drank from its pools,
Babylon was wrecked, they were bickering fools.
Emperors come to me, every time I call,
Only to see their empires, burn and fall.”

“Agreed, they were flies, roaches if you would,
Mere insects I can say, no fear of being rude.
But what more are you, you should have wobbly knees,”
And His laughs would have drowned out the roaring seas.

He grew in stature, multiplied in size,
Befouling the air, with millions of lies,
Of Beelzebub and Achilles,
Of Goliath, even Hercules.

He spoke of Mordred, of Arthur he said,
Of how he died with a pride-muddled head,
Of Saturn’s fear that he hid with his arrogance,
Of how he was defeated, and wrecked were his Titans.

Pride towered to the clouds, inflated like a balloon,
And spoke of heroes, and why they died so soon,
“I took immortality from you, O foolish madman,
Now say what you want, I’ll listen if I can.”

Pure arrogance flashed on Pride’s huge face,
He felt as if he had just run a winning race.
He exalted in his own crafty foul power,
His joy made the air taste suddenly sour.

“So you are the world’s very own insecticide
But against the great, you’re powerless, Pride.
You might fell the kings, but can you tempt the sages?
Bind them up in your crafty cages?”

“Have you heard of Jesus, old man, he was called the Christ,
He could not hear you could he, or all your words thus spiced,
You should have come to starlit Nazareth,
You would have wished for a quick death.”

“That night the angels smiled forever, when Christ stepped down from heaven,
He made for man a paradise, to madness were you driven.
You should have heard him crucified, nailed to a cross alive,”
The madman’s voice to Pride now seemed, as if it came from five.

“Have you heard of Yudhishtir, old man,
Who ruled the Pandava clan?
He said no lie, he fought for justice,
He would not recognise your deadly kiss.”

“His was a story of a battle for his right,
For greed and power he refused to fight,
He climbed to heaven at the end of the tale,
There is an instance where your power did fail.”

“Have you heard of Gandhi, Pride?
Could you keep with his distant stride?
The heart of a man that believes it can,
You could not see his simple plan.”

“He threw the weight of a proud tyranny,
He fought a war at the side of people many,
No weapon did he hold but cancelled violence,
Today the world lives in his remembrance.”
“Sages and priests are deaf to your call,
Dethrone who you like, but you will never get us all,
Palaces crumble but ideals stand,
Your shadow cannot embrace all the land.”

“Each place you turn to, the other heals back,
Hope is the thing that you will always lack,
And as long as we have it within our hearts,
We will live, we will die and play our parts.”

The madman rejoiced, he spoke of truths old,
And Pride sat trembling as he heard of what was told.
The madman spoke of Buddha, of Mahavira he said,
At every word Pride did wish that he was already dead.

The Mothers name was taken, Teresa was her name,
There and then Pride felt that he had been put to shame,
“Take the heroes, take the kings, to satisfy your avarice,
Nature always finds a way to reach eternal bliss.”

“And Nature it is that you do not understand,
You cannot conquer the sea and the land,
They will not fall as long as Hope stands,
You too are made of the Creator’s own hands.”

As the words came out Pride felt a chill,
Every moment the words came still,
Pride felt defeated he fell in from his height,
‘Pride comes before a fall’- do not take that light.

“I pity you, fool of Sins, you have nowhere to belong,
I’d love to sit and tell you more, but I must say ‘So Long’”
In the end you are defeated, ours is the prize.”
And when the words ceased to come, Pride was a hundredth of his size.
Last edited by Palantalid on Wed Oct 31, 2007 10:32 am, edited 3 times in total.
What syllable are you seeking,
Vocalissimus,
In the distances of sleep?
Speak it.
—Wallace Stevens, “To the Roaring Wind”




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 1395
Reviews 565
Well, if there was an epic poetry section, this would go in it. The rhyming was good if a little forced. I liked the part about Lucifer.
"The one thing you can't trade for your heart's desire is your heart."
Miles Vorkosigan

"You can be an author if you learn to paint pictures with words."
Brian Jacques




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 890
Reviews 267
I have to hurry so this is it.

It is good,but a bit long.

In the evening of all Time,
When the old men rhyme,
When the evil men place their bets,
When the grandfather speaks of regrets,
Pride sits haughtily, and smiles.


Loved this.

“That night I laughed forever, when he fell from starry heaven,
He made himself a hell, to madness was he driven,
You should have heard him when heaven rebelled, madman,
For now you call him Satan, and others call him Shaitan.”


Ha ha Satan

“And Nature it is that you do not understand,
You cannot conquer the sea and the land,
They will not fall as long as Hope stands,
You too are made of the Creator’s own hands.”


There is something missing. It is well said. But something is missing.


Overall,I think it is very good.Nice flow. :wink:
Look at my big shiny shell...




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 1190
Reviews 57
This is an amazing poem.
the riming was great and i only noticed it being forced once or twice, even though it camoflaged itself in the formallity of the poem.

When the grandfather speaks of regrets

somehow and someway this is my favorite sentence.its touching and a little sad, but good!

“Old Rome stagnated, when I drank from its pools,
Babylon was wrecked, they were bickering fools.
Emperors come to me, every time I call,
Only to see their empires, burn and fall.”

i liked this. BUT I LIKE ROME!!!! and thanks to this i hate pride.


His joy made the air taste suddenly sour.

mabey you should say "his joy made the air taste sour", leave out the suddenly

great poem! keep it up!!!

vince
"Don't look down on anyone, except if you are helping them up."




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 461
Gosh.

This is very lengthy, but all together okay. One of the small things that annoys me is the length. When I'm faced with a long poem like this, I tend to think; I can't be bothered, and then go and look for a poem or piece that is smaller. This is personal preference though - just me being selfish - although I think maybe you should cut it down a few stanzas.

I liked the drama and emotion in it, but the rhythm, flow and rhyme didn't interest me much. I think this is because it seemed as though you were trying too hard and the lines ended up being strained.

But, thumbs up for the originality - there aren't many poems we see like this.
Worship the ginger monkey :) aaand join my new group!

Oh, and enter my new contest!




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 740
Reviews 5
What a poem!!!
Damn good!!!




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 20
That was excellent. I've written poems that rhyme all the way through that long, and its sooo hard not to break the rythem and the rhyme scheme. I love the tone of your poem, because it makes you want to keep reading because of the mysterious tone that is has on it. Umm, there are still some funny lines, (like the one below) and I would try reading them out loud to find them. Excellent job though! I really quite enjoyed all the metaphors

“Have you heard of Duryodhan, madman,
Who ruled the Kaurava clan?
He fought at Kurukshetra for me alone,
I took his mind and left a stone.”

I would re-word the last line, stone kinda breaks the flow a bit
"You start thinking anything is possible if you have enough nerve"- J.K Rowling




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 188
Wow, this IS a long poem. But you know that...so onto the poetry!

The first stanza's rhymes sound forced--somewhere between "time" and "rhyme" something needs to change. Also the stamping/squashing of cockroaches/flies seems rather random and unnecessary--if it is only to carry on the rhyme then get rid of the whole rhyme altogether. One should never sacrifice flow and grace to rhyme and steadiness.

...

As I go on, I see the same structure, the same pattern, all focused on showing how pride is bad. Wow, what great insight :)

Just kidding. But seriously. Let loose of the demon of rhyming and structures that seems to be eating the poetry section! Be FREE little bird, be freeeeeeeeeeee!


-Evang.
Break the boundaries, hunt the hunter, and leave me a tip.
----to kill or not to kill




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 105
This is simply spectacular. I love how you reference so many different things... Rome... Indian mythology... quotes from the Bible.... did you even mention King Arthur once?... Greek myth....

The only thing I found (if anything) and it might have been mentioned above too, is that some of the rhyming did seem a little forced.

But Wow. That pretty much all I can say.
Of course it's happening in your mind, but why on earth should that mean it isn't real?



If Nate ever zeroes the count in "Count Up Until Nate Zeroes It", that zero should be immortalized in the quote gen.
— JazzicusMaximus