The Frabric of Enlightenment

There they were, across the way, through the passing glass of the unceremonious traffic, trapped within the dieing light; the constant wave of each agent breaking the stream of my sight. The mangled attendants of society, is what I see. Each one dreading the step ahead of them, dragging their heels, harmonizing the delightful scraping of their shoes to the tortured sidewalk, playing as though the very screams of the pavement wishing itself free of their weight. The mask of every being containing itself behind the same expression as the one before them, the same empty smile of what they pretend to own as they constantly hide the lining of their intolerable void that refuses to cease its antics of insecurity, its torments of the, alleged, inexcusable flaw. A cryptic howling in the night, are the cries of their dreams as they have become so condemned to the hell-fires of what they have chosen to leave behind within the vague pursuit of pleasing the socially accepted, pre-defined reality. The reflection of such abandoned vessels, we call human, shackled against the chalky, store glass, shrieking out of the corner of their broken, dreary eyes. Their wasteful breath diseased with the agony of every deluded thought they possess, as they would shatter against the potent winds. The derisive flesh of each subject nesting mortified, finding itself violated, being so harshly plastered unto this despondent monstrosity. The latency of such varmints nauseated through the conviction toward the burden of aiding this ‘inanimate’. Deviating those twisted eyes toward my aspects, I would recede to darkness.
Blinking myself from that nonexistent motion of thought, I would tilt my head, staring blindly at the floor as I had been for hours now. What a magnificent rug, so basic, yet elegantly intricate. A primary pattern of black and white grooves overlaying every fiber, imprisoned within the dusky frame. Every blackened speck assuming a characterization that of an eye… thousands of eyes, focusing their intrusive gaze unto me, terrorizing my conscious ability. Drafting my study away from the matt, I would then focus myself toward the chair, superior to the rug. There it was again… the same rigorous pattern… staring at me so disturbed. Blankly my vocals would muster empty, though curious words… “Where have I gone?”

Ok, I will tell you this because otherwise someone else will.

1) You are supposed to do 2 reviews before you post anything. In general, you should be doing 2 reviews for every 1 thing you put up for review. Go do.

2) *sings* Spacing! You must, must, must space out paragraphs. You only have 2 here, so it isn't bad. But so you know in the future, people go cross eyes when they try to read a story that's all stuck together--you can lose a lot of readers that way. ^_^ So remember to put a....

space..

... between every paragraph. ^_^

There they were, across the way, through the passing glass of the unceremonious traffic, trapped within the [s]dieing[/s]dying light; the constant wave of each agent breaking the stream of my sight. [This, my good sir, is a very long phrase. I do it all the time so I can tell you not to. It's very nice, but sadly a little confusing due to length. Try breaking it down into two.] The mangled attendants of society,[you don't need the comma here] is what I see. Each one dreading the step ahead of them, dragging their heels, harmonizing the delightful scraping of their shoes [s]to[/s]on the tortured sidewalk--playing as though the very screams of the pavement wishing itself free of their weight.[As though the very screams of the pavement...were what? You are missing something here. =P] The mask of every being containing itself behind the same expression as the one before them [isn't the mask the expression they hide behind? Methinks you meant 'The nature of every being containing itself..' or something like that.], the same empty smile of what they pretend to own as they constantly hide the lining of their intolerable void that refuses to cease its antics of insecurity, its torments of the, alleged, inexcusable flaw. [o_O I was going to say something, and got lost in that sentence. This is another one you definitely need to cut.]A[Maybe try 'The'] cryptic howling in the night[s], are[/s]is made of the cries of their dreams as they have become so condemned to the hell-fires of what they [this they seems to refer to the dreams, which were the last thing mentioned, not the people] have chosen to leave behind [s]within[/s]for the vague pursuit of pleasing the socially accepted, pre-defined reality. The reflection of such abandoned vessels, we call human, shackled against the chalky, store glass, shrieking out of the corner of their broken, dreary eyes. [again, long. The relfection of such abandoned vessels...what? You introduce a subject and ten don't give it a verb. =P Maybe you mean 'are shackled against..'?]Their wasteful breath is diseased with the agony of every deluded thought they possess, as they would shatter against the potent winds. [Shatter what against the potent winds? "every deluded thought they posses that they would shatter against..'?] The derisive flesh of each subject nesting mortified [nesting where?], finding itself violated, being so harshly plastered unto this despondent monstrosity. The latency of such varmints nauseated through the conviction toward the burden of aiding this ‘inanimate’. Deviating those twisted eyes toward my aspects, I would recede to darkness.

Blinking myself from that nonexistent motion of thought, I would tilt my head, staring blindly at the floor as I had been for hours now. What a magnificent rug--so basic, yet elegantly intricate. A primary pattern of black and white grooves overlaying every fiber,[no comma methinks, if it's the fibers that are imprisonned] imprisoned within the dusky frame. Every blackened speck assuming a characterization that of an eye--thousands of eyes, focusing their intrusive gaze unto me, terrorizing my conscious ability. Drafting my study away from the matt, I would then focus myself toward the chair, superior to the rug. There it was again… the same rigorous pattern… staring at me so disturbed [staring at me in such a disturbing way?]. Blankly my vocals would muster empty, though curious words… “Where have I gone?”

Okies. ^_^ Done. Now for my overall review.

You have done an excellent job of stuffing each and every sentence with meaningful description...and you are chocking your readers with it. I consider myself to be pretty smart, but to understand each individual sentence I am tempted to cross out all the description so I can identify just the verb and the noun. Also...this reads like a list. As if your periods are just commas and it is all part of one very long running sentence that is describing these people. You should probably fix that. If you're not sure how, you can PM me for an example.

That probably sounded harsh, and I'm sorry if that's the case. You obviously have a lot of talent with descriptions, metaphors and the like, which will come very handy. For a descriptive passage, this was beautiful (though some of the sentences were very long =P). I think I got lost and missed the point of the second paragraph, which is unfortunate because I can tell if I'd got it I'd be able to tell you it was an awesome ending to the text. However, just all by itself, it was great--and it was less confusing (as in barely confusing at all) than the first paragraph.

I hope some of this helps, you have a lot of potential!

^_^ Valor

I love the poetic nature of this, but I do agree that it might be a bit much. Your sentences are choc-full of description and I do like your word choice, but it might be a bit overwhelming, especially for one sentence. It makes the sentence drag on a bit, and with most readers, it can lead to a loss of understanding as to what the sentence actually means.

Here's an example of one of your sentences with beautiful, intricately placed words, but maybe it would serve you better to create a few sentences to accommodate your readers better:

The mask of every being containing itself behind the same expression as the one before them, the same empty smile of what they pretend to own as they constantly hide the lining of their intolerable void that refuses to cease its antics of insecurity, its torments of the, alleged, inexcusable flaw.

Overall, I liked it. I love these seemingly random inspired works. The most interesting stuff tends to come out of it.