Nightmare In Shining Armour

I can be your nightmare
In shining amour.
The only reason
I live is so that one day,
I can die for you.

What else is there?
There’s no point in living life
Like you're dead unless you're
Here to make me take my first
Real breath of air.

Just kiss me
For the first or last time.
I’ve always looked for that moment
That would make me feel alive.

I can’t be ‘just friends’
Any longer.
The world's telling me
That I’ll find someone new
To love soon,
But I can’t wait.
I love you.
I love…
You…
Why can’t you just give me a second look?

I can be your nightmare
In shining armor.
The only reason
I live is so that one day,
I can die for you.

I think that it flowed alright. Though, I think the wording was a little ambiguous "nightmare in shining armour" if the poem is declaring love for a person, why is the narrator telling this person s/he can be their "nightmare" - usually a negative association. Has some potential, maybe look at the simplicity of your words and add something more descriptive; just needs a bit of "shining" thats all.

interesting......i really liked it, it seems like a love poem.....like i said....interesting....

Hi NS--

Welcome to YWS! I make one request: please take a look at the Rules & Guides before posting anymore work. We do ask that you critique 2 works by other people before posting 1 thing of your own and that the ratio stays 2:1. Thanks!


Now, onto the poem.

My first nitpick is the title. I'm assuming you meant "Nightmare in Shining Armour" not "Nightmare In SHinging Armor". The first thing people see when they go to critique a piece of work is the title...if the author has not cared enough about the piece to take the time to make sure the spelling and punctuation is correct, then why should they take the time out to critique it? Just keep that in mind when posting a piece.

Okay, the actual content now...
To me this seems like a prose piece with a lot of "enters". Every single sentence in this piece is a complete sentence. If the piece were taken and all the returns were taken out so that it was in paragraph form it would not make one bit of difference. Part of poetry is that there is a mystery about it--there has to be something left up to the poetic mind and that is not easily attainable through complete sentences. Try some similies, some metaphors--play with some semicolons and hyphens.

My biggest suggestion is to read more poetry. Any poetry anywhere will do...just pick it up and start reading! The best way to get into a "readers poetry" mindset is to mimic a piece you really like. After awhile it will rub off on you and you will start writing your own unique pieces.

Happy Editing!

Welcome to YWS! I second everything Via said. Take that advice to heart, and it will help you immensely.

I do like the content. It's a plead, but it's not too whiny, which is what I would be afraid of.

The worlds telling me
That I’ll find someone new

I think it should be "world's".

Keep writing!

NocturnalSupremacy92 wrote:What else is there?
There’s no point in living life
Like you're dead unless you're
Here to make me take my first
Real breathe of air.

First, that should be 'breath' not 'breathe.'

You seem like you tried to force a rhyming scheme at first, then you randomly dropped it. I think that messed up your poem a bit. The idea is good, not unique, but could still be worked with. I think you should work on making the poem flow more. Also, perhaps you don't have to capitalize the first word in every line? Sometimes that helps the poem flow from line to line. Just a suggestion, of course.

PM me if you need to!

MERRY WRITING!
~Bella~

I tried to get all the misspelled words out of the piece and title, thanks you guys for pointing them out!!!

I can be your nightmare
In shining amour.
The only reason
I live is so that one day, - Shouldn't "i live" be on the previous line?
I can die for you.

What else is there?
There’s no point in living life
Like you're dead unless you're
Here to make me take my first
Real breath of air.

Just kiss me
For the first or last time.
I’ve always looked for that moment
That would make me feel alive. - I thought you were living like you were dead Let's read on!

I can’t be ‘just friends’
Any longer.
The world's telling me
That I’ll find someone new
To love soon,
But I can’t wait.
I love you.
I love…
You…
Why can’t you just give me a second look? Yeah bitch, look at the guy!!

I can be your nightmare
In shining armor.
The only reason
I live is so that one day,
I can die for you.

Aww. I liked this poem - so emotional. You could do better, but then again, there is room for improvement for everybody. It's great the way it is, and your an awesome poet! Keep writing!