The Lost Elements

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I know, I know. Another work by me. You're all getting sick of it, I know you are. However, I just need this looked over before entering it in Gladius' Dungeon Contest. :D Please and thank yous. ^^

The Lost Elements

Brenda peeked around the corner and down the corridor, but saw nothing among the stone walls. She braved a step around the corner, the echo of her heels ricocheting off the walls. She folded her arms closely across her chest, shivers running down her spine. Teeth chattering, she slowly walked down the hallway, her green dress brushing gently across her ankles and sending more chills down her back.

“Sara,” she managed to say through clenched teeth. She gasped as the sound of scurrying feet echoed in the hall. She turned around in a panic and watched a rat run down the edge of the hallway. Brenda froze, a quiet scream erupting from her lips as her brown eyes flicked around the room. What other surprises did this dungeon hold?

“S-Sara,” Brenda squeaked as she forced herself to continue. She looked this way and that, her hair tickling her neck. Her brown bangs were hanging in her face, but she didn’t have the extra energy to brush them aside. It was hard enough to walk down the corridor.

The sound of a pebble rolling resonated throughout the dungeon. Brenda sucked in her breath, her fingernails pinching her arm through her large sleeves draped over her arm like the palace window curtains.

“Sara, this isn’t funny,” Brenda spoke, her voice shaking terribly. She reached the end of the hallway and stopped, looking left and right. Which way did her cousin go? Brenda didn’t want to go either way. She wanted to run back to their master’s library where rats didn’t scurry across the floor or pebbles arbitrarily fly across the hallways. Why was her cousin so curious?

“Sara!” Brenda called loudly, though vibrations were still heard in her speech. She clutched her sleeve cuffs and tightened her arms around her bodice before turning down the right hallway. It was terribly cold in the dungeon. Her teeth began to chatter and goosebumps shot up on her arms.

She started to become fidgety. Over and over, she’d shake her dress to remind herself that nothing was down there tickling her ankles. She rubbed her arms against each other to calm her chills. Meanwhile, her eyes darted left and right to the disgusting little insects and rodents lurking the corridors.

A soft cackle sounded and Brenda shrieked, looking all around her for the source. She didn’t know what to do, but her feet had a good idea. She ran down the stone corridor, turning corners and dodging spiders hanging from the ceiling by thin glittering threads. The laughter continued to be heard, scaring Brenda even more. She didn’t know where she was going, and she wouldn’t know how to get back, but she wasn’t going to stop and think about it.

“Ahh!” Brenda cried as she tripped over her dress, falling to the floor. She put out her hand to catch her fall, but the force was too much. A loud crack! echoed through the dungeon. Her wrist bent at an awkward angle and she landed on her forearm. Brenda whimpered from the throbbing pain in her arm, sweat beading her tan face. She struggled to sit up on her knees before looking around her. She had entered a circular room where skeletons littered the floor and hung from metal chains on the walls. Tears sprung to Brenda’s eyes as she tried to stand up, cradling her injured arm. She fell on her knees again when her shaking legs wouldn’t support her weight.

The laughter was much louder now.

“Sara!” Brenda yelled in terror. She looked down to her injured arm cradled against her bodice. Lifting her better hand over her throbbing arm, she attempted to heal the bones. Her healing hand glowed a bright blue, but nothing happened as a tear dropped from her eyes, disturbing the glittering magic she was casting.

“Sara, where are you?” Brenda shrieked, anxiously adjusting her sitting position. She gave up healing her injuries, seeing as it did absolutely nothing due to her fear.

The princess is unavailable,” a cold voice hissed. Brenda jumped at the sound and instinctively started scooting backwards. Unavilable? Brenda felt more alone than she had the entire time she was down here. Sara—along with her little companion, Puka—would protect them with her magic, magic their master trained them to use. Brenda didn’t possess the gift of magic. She was a healer, and a healer had no power against an evil wizard, assuming this voice belonged to one.

“Sara!” Brenda screamed this time. She stopped scooting back to catch her breath. Sara had to be out there somewhere! Sara was the last person to disappear so mysteriously. Of course, as the princess, she was always in danger of murderers or kidnappers. She always got out of those situations, though. She was an amazing sorceress. What had happened?

Get her! The healer’s mine!

Brenda whimpered again and attempted another heal on her arm. She took deep breaths this time, hoping to calm her nerves and encourage the mending. It didn’t work though. She jumped at the sound of clacking bones. She looked up, her eyes wide with horror.

The skeletons around the room rose up from the ground, their eye sockets filled with bright yellow glow. Brenda resumed scurrying backwards until she bumped into a stair. She twirled around and whimpered as her arm carelessly dropped to the ground. Looking up, her jaw dropped open and she fell backwards.

Atop the tiny staircase was Sara, sitting on a stone throne, her pale face staring blankly across the room. Her hands dangled over the ends of the throne’s arms, her blue dress torn and covered with dirt. A tiny golden tiara sat in her blonde hair, the light blue gem being the only sign of life.

“Sara!” Brenda screamed at her, stumbling up the stairs when she noticed the skeletons were gaining on her. She tried desperately to ignore the pain in her arm as she confronted her cousin. “Sara! Wake up! Please!” She started to cry, knowing there was nothing she could do against this army of undead.

Your pathetic attempts do nothing.

By instinct, Brenda snatched the tiara from Sara’s hair before running to the wall behind the throne. If there was any way out of this, she would want to keep something that belonged to Sara.

No! The tiara! Get the tiara!

Brenda’s heart would pop out of her chest if it didn’t calm down. The skeletons seemed to have picked up their slow pace to get her and the tiara. Why did he want the tiara? There was nothing special about it—only that it belonged to her newly lost cousin.

Brenda picked up her injured arm before taking off at a run, staying as close to the wall as possible. She just barely missed a snatching skeletal hand. She was almost at the door and could soon run away from this awful room.

She screamed and stopped short of a fresh group of undead appearing in the doorway. She walked backwards, away from all of the undead creatures, until she hit the cold stone wall behind her. If she was going to live, she’d have to dash through the army, but her shaking legs would never support such a feat.

She was going to do it. She had to tell her majesty about the princess.

Brenda put the tiara in her brown hair so she could better support her arm. However, as soon as she set it atop her head, the disembodied voice hissed a scream of horror, catching Brenda off guard. “Get her!”

Brenda didn’t know what to do. She wished Sara or someone was here to help her—

—until the gem began to glow.

The skeletons halted just feet in front of her and started stepping back, afraid of what the tiara was doing. Brenda’s legs started shaking again. She was going to fall to the ground again. What was happening? Was this the end? Did the wizard do it?

Brenda gaped at the result. Everyone was quiet. The skeletons didn’t move, the voice said nothing, and Brenda was on the verge of laughing. This was such a relief. She was safe now.

Puka was here to help.

That’s it?” the voice said with humor.

That was it. The bundle of blue flames settled right in front of Brenda. The skeletons cowered under the bright lights it let off. Within the flames, Brenda could see the little imp dancing from one foot to the next, excited to see her. Brenda fell to her knees, thankful for such a miracle.

Get the healer!” the voice shrieked with rage.

Brenda returned to reality and stood up again, wincing from the pain in her arm. Puka stopped dancing at the sound of the voice. His pointed ears twitched and he turned to face the cowering skeletons. He cocked his head, wondering what they were doing.

You fools! Get the girl!

The skeletons straightened and took a step forward before Puka squawked. They stopped at the strange sound he made and braced themselves for what might happen next. Brenda watched nervously, chewing her fingernails—a habit her master had tried get her to break.

The blue fire around the imp seemed to be getting bigger and brighter. Brenda knelt on the floor and covered her eyes to shield them from the light. She heard the skeletons make a hollow scream and then stop. There was dead silence. The light dimmed and Brenda looked up. Only Puka was there, and he danced in front of Brenda excitedly.

No! You will be mine, healer!

“What did you do?” Brenda asked as she slowly stood up, unsure if she was safe. Puka, on the other hand, danced across the room to where Sara sat. Brenda almost called out to Puka, worried what may happen, but only the little demon would know if they were in danger. She followed him toward Sara and stood in front of her.

Her cousin sat undisturbed. Now that Brenda wasn’t in danger of being taken away by skeletons, she could study her cousin to the fullest. It was a frightening picture too. Her usually bushy blonde hair was now in thick strings, and her eyes were empty of all emotion.

Brenda sniffed and wiped her eyes, not wanting to cry in front of little Puka whose tiny hands sat on top of Sara’s knee, looking up into his mistress’ eyes.

“Puka, you know the way back?” Brenda asked vacantly, still watching her cousin.

Puka squeaked quietly before turning away from his mistress. He bounced toward the door—on one foot then the other—as if nothing had ever happened. Brenda sniffed once more before following Puka through the cold corridors. She cradled her injured arm, not having the energy to heal and rid herself of the pain. Walking through the dungeon with little Puka was not so nerve-racking, and she easily ignored the crawling insects and rats, but lost all sense of direction.

Puka squealed and Brenda looked up from the ground to find the familiar tunnel that led the two girls down here. Brenda took a deep breath before finally leaving that dreaded place.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

I was unsure how to end it. :? And I didn't show Brenda's healing powers very well, so let me know if I should have. ^^
Last edited by JabberHut on Thu Jan 31, 2008 1:53 pm, edited 3 times in total.
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She folded her arms closely across her chest, shivers running down her spine. Teeth chattering, she slowly walked down the hallway, her green dress brushing gently across her ankles and sending more chills [s]in[/s] down her back.

She turned around in a panic and watched a rat run down the [s]edge[/s] end(?) of the hallway.


Brenda squealed [s]of[/s] in fright, frozen to the spot, as her brown eyes flicked from one spot to another.


Her brown bangs were hanging in her face, but she didn’t even have the energy to [s]even[/s] brush them aside. It was hard enough to walk down [s]this[/s] the (? Since it's third person?) corridor.


Maybe say 'but she didn't have the extra energy to brush them aside; it was hard enough to walk down this corridor.' <Just because it's not that she's run out of energy, it's that she's focusing all the energy she has on walking.

[s]A rolling pebble sounded from somewhere within the dungeon.[/s] The sound of a pebble rolling resonated from somewhere within the dungeon. Brenda sucked in her breath, her fingernails pinching her arm through her large sleeves that draped over her arm like the palace window curtains.


“Sara!” Brenda [s]said[/s]called loudly, though vibrations were still heard in her speech.


You use said a lot, but maybe replace some of them with called because in fact she's calling her cousin and not talking to her. (at first I thought she was talking to herself =P)


An itch kept popping up here and there and she scratched it. She rubbed her arms [s]to arm them up and[/s]against each other to calm her chills. Meanwhile, her eyes dashed (darted?) left and right at (to?) the disgusting little insects and rodents lurking the corridors.


A soft cackle sounded and Brenda shrieked, looking all around her for the source.

She ran down the stone corridor, turning corners and dodging spiders hanging from the ceiling by a thin glittering threads.

“Ah!” Brenda cried as she tripped over her dress, falling to the floor. She put out her hand to [s]catch[/s]stop her fall, but the force was too much. A loud crack!(I don't think you need that exclamation mark) echoed in the dungeon.

The laughter was much louder now. (enter)
“Sara!” Brenda yelled [s]with[/s]in terror.

“Sara!” Brenda screamed this time, stopping for breath support (breath support?). She had to be out there somewhere! Sara was the last person to disappear like that (like what?). Of course, as the princess, she is (was?) always in danger of murderers or kidnappers.

What had happened?

“Get her! The healer’s mine!”

Brenda whimpered again and attempted another heal [s]for[/s]on(if by another heal you mean another spell) her arm.

The skeletons around the room stood up (I'd use rose) from the ground, their eyes glowing bright yellow (skellies have no eyes, they have eye sockets).

Atop the tiny staircase was her cousin (no need to isolate Sara, we already know it's her cousin's name) Sara, sitting atop[s] the[/s] a stone throne, her pale face staring blankly across the room.

The skeletons cowered under the bright lights it let off. Within the flames,(I don't think you need that comma) Brenda could see the little imp dancing from one foot to the next, excited to see her.

“Get the healer!” the voice shrieked with rage.

Brenda knelt on the floor and covered her eyes to shield them from the light. She heard the skeletons make a hollow screams and then[s] it[/s] stop[s]ped[/s]. [s]It[/s]There was dead silence.

He bounced toward the door, one foot[s] to [/s]after the other, as if nothing [s]ever[/s]had happened. Brenda sniffed onShe cradled her injured arm, not having the energy to use healing to rid herself of the pain. Walking through the dungeon with little Puka was not so nerve-racking, and she easily ignored the crawling insects and rats, but lost all sense of direction.

*^*^*

Lol. Returning the favor. =P
^_^ You left us with a few unanswered questions at the end, but otherwise this was very good. You described the dungeon well and didn't just drop the characters history on us all at once. My only suggestions would be maybe to reveal that Sara was the princess earlier, since when 'the princess' was first mentioned I was thinking maybe Sara had been abducted by some dungeon tribe and made into their queen. =P

It was a good bit of fun, I liked it. :D Good luck with the contest!
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Oh, thank you sooo much! Your crit is greatly appreciated! :D

I fixed the grammar issues. Once I get writing, I forget completely about my language. :roll: I'm very happy you caught those. They would've been the death of me. :wink:

I realize I left unanswered questions, but it's mainly about the dungeon (for the contest). If I finish one or two other projects I already started, I'll consider continuing this. I had fun writing it. :lol: Puka is a bit difficult in describing his hyperness, so help on that is always welcome.

Thanks again! More reviews are welcome. :D

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Hey Jabber! Seeing as Valor already covered the grammatical mistakes, i don't really have much to say except this was really good and fun to read. I must say, however, that your ending sentence was kind of weak. If i were you, i'd change it to something else, but i'll leave that for you to decide.

I thoroughly enjoyed reading this. It flowed well. There was only one part i was having trouble with...

The skeletons around the room rose up from the ground, their eye sockets filled with bright yellow glow. Brenda resumed scurrying backwards until she bumped into a stair. She twirled around and whimpered as her arm carelessly dropped to the ground. Looking up, her jaw dropped open and she fell backwards on her bottom.


and...

Brenda picked up her injured arm before taking off at a run, staying as close to the wall as possible. She just barely missed a snatching skeletal hand. She was almost at the door and could soon run away from this awful room.


So, let me get this straight...her arm...comes off? o.O

Other than that, this was great! Good luck with the contest! :D

-Mays
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JabberHut wrote:I know, I know. Another work by me. You're all getting sick of it, I know you are. Sure we are, Jabber, but no one except me would actually tell you that (jk, jk :D However, I just need this looked over before entering it in Gladius' Dungeon Contest. :D Please and thank yous. ^^

The Lost Elements

Brenda peeked around the corner and down the corridor ~maybe you should try "tunnel" instead...it's your choice (well duh) but i don't think that corridor goes that well right after corner~ and saw nothing among the stone walls. She braved a step around the corner, the echo of her heels ricocheting off the walls. She folded her arms closely across her chest, shivers running down her spine. ~this is just my opinion...but i would hate to fold my arms because it would leave me so helpless! lol~ Teeth chattering, ~why were her teeth chattering? was it just because she was scared, or was it cold in the tunnel too?~ she slowly walked down the hallway, her green dress brushing gently across her ankles and sending more chills down her back. good description here, i liked this sentence

“Sara,?” she managed to say ~maybe try call?~ through clenched teeth. She gasped as the sound of scurrying feet echoed in the hall. She turned around in a panic ~i think that the "in a panic" was a bit unnecessary here, and they didn't quite sound right. anything else you could say?~ and watched a rat run down the edge of the hallway. Brenda squealed in fright, maybe you should try changing this and say something like "Brenda froze, a quiet scream erupting from her lips as her brown eyes flicked around the room." i like that wording better, but that's just me.~ frozen to the spot, as her brown eyes flicked from one spot to another. What other surprises did this dungeon hold? this was a good, descriptive sentence, but i think that you mention that she's panicking too much. i liked the last sentence a lot, tho

“S-Sara,” Brenda squeaked ~haha, i liked your "squeaked", because you just mentioned a rat. lol! i thought that was funny...~ as she forced herself to continue. She looked this way and that, her pony tail shouldn't ponytail just be one word? (and no, i'm not an expert on girls hair!! lol). actually, i thought this was kind of odd, since she seemed all royal and now she has a ponytail? hmm... not the best choice, but i dunno~ tickling her neck. Her brown bangs were hanging in her face, but she didn’t have the extra energy to brush them aside. wow, she must be really tired... It was hard enough to walk down the corridor. this chapter was ok...again, i like how descriptive you are, instead of being like me and just doing dialog (that's what i used to do). of course, this isn't really a dialog story. lol!

The sound of a pebble rolling resonated within ~i'd try "throughout" instead of within~ the dungeon. Brenda sucked in her breath, her fingernails pinching her arm through her large sleeves draped over her arm like the palace window curtains. i liked the descriptions of the last sentence. not much to say, this was a short paragraph

“Sara, this isn’t funny,” Brenda spoke, her voice shaking terribly. She reached the end of the hallway and stopped, looking left and right. Which way did her cousin go? Brenda didn’t want to go either way. She wanted to run back to their master’s library where rats didn’t scurry across the floor or pebbles arbitrarily fly across the hallways. Why was her cousin so curious? no edits here

“Sara!” Brenda called loudly, though ~through isn't the right word...try to think of something else~ vibrations were still heard in her speech. She clutched her sleeve cuffs and tightened her arms around her bodice before turning down the right hallway. It was terribly cold in the dungeon. Her teeth began to chatter and goosebumps shot up on her arms.

She started to become fidgety. Over and over, she’d shake her dress to remind herself that nothing was down there tickling her ankles. that's not bad An itch kept popping up here and there and she scratched it. wouldn't she be too tired to do that? She rubbed her arms against each other to calm her chills. Meanwhile, her eyes darted left and right to the disgusting little insects and rodents lurking the corridors.

A soft cackle sounded and Brenda shrieked, looking all around her for the source. She didn’t know what to do, but her feet had a good idea. hahaha, that made me laugh (out loud) She ran down the stone corridor, turning corners and dodging spiders hanging from the ceiling by thin, glittering threads. The laughter continued to be heard, scaring Brenda even more. She didn’t know where she was going, and she wouldn’t know how to get back, but she wasn’t going to stop and think about it. i really liked the little humor here...the "feet had a good idea" and the last sentence were both funny...but i was amazed that i actually got to fix one of jabbers comma uses!

“Ah!” [b]~make her scream longer, usually "ah" is used more for recognition of something, so try, ahhh!~
Brenda cried as she tripped over her dress, falling to the floor. She put out her hand to catch her fall, but the force was too much. A loud crack! echoed [s]in[/s] through the dungeon. Her wrist bent at an awkward angle ~that phrasing is way overused. try something other than "awkward angle". lol and she landed on her elbow. wouldn't she land on her forearm if she stuck out a hand and it didn't grab? Brenda whimpered from the throbbing pain in her arm, sweat beading her tan face. She struggled to sit up on her knees before looking around her. Skeletons were either on the floor or hanging from metal chains against the walls of a circular room. ~whoa!! the wording for that sentence was terrible, especially the "either" and "or" when describing the skeletons. try something along the lines of this: "She had entered a circular room where skeletons littered the floor and hung from metal chains on the walls.~ Tears sprung to Brenda’s eyes as she tried to stand up, cradling her injured arm. She fell on her knees again when her shaking legs wouldn’t support her weight. this was another good paragraph

The laughter was much louder now. way too short to say anything except this ;P

“Sara!” Brenda yelled in terror. She looked down to her injured arm cradled against her bodice. Lifting her better hand over her throbbing arm, she attempted to heal the bones. Her healing hand glowed a bright blue, but nothing happened as a tear dropped from her eyes, disturbing the glittering magic she was casting. add a little bit more info about her healing powers around here

“Sara, where are you?” Brenda shrieked, anxiously adjusting her sitting position and giving up healing her injuries since it did absolutely nothing due to her fear. this last sentence is too long! edit that a bit.

The princess is unavailable,” a cold voice hissed. hahaha, unavailable--awesome wording there Brenda jumped at the sound and instinctively started scooting backwards. Unavailable? Brenda felt more alone than she had the entire time she was down here. Sara—along with her little companion, Puka ~maybe put "Puka the Imp" here?~—would protect them with her magic, ~end the last sentence here and make "The magic that their master had trained them to use." the next sentence.~ magic their master trained them to use. Brenda didn’t possess the gift of magic. so the healing ISN'T magic?? maybe try to say that differently... She was a healer, and a healer had no power against an evil wizard, assuming this voice belonged to one.

“Sara!” Brenda screamed this time. She stopped scooting back to catch her breath. Sara had to be out there somewhere! Sara was the last person to disappear so mysteriously. Of course, as the princess, she was always in danger of murderers or kidnappers. She always got out of those situations, though. She was an amazing sorceress. What had happened? i liked this paragraph...nothing more to say

Get her! The healer’s mine!

Brenda whimpered again and attempted another heal on her arm. She took deep breaths this time, hoping to calm her nerves and encourage the mending. It didn’t work though. ~get rid of the "though" here, or at least find something else to use... She jumped at the sound of clacking bones. She looked up, her eyes wide with horror.

The skeletons around the room rose up from the ground, their eye sockets filled with bright yellow glow. yellow's an interesting color to choose... Brenda resumed scurrying backwards until she bumped into a stairsay staircase, or "the bottom of a staircase", stair sounds awkward. She twirled around and whimpered as her arm carelessly dropped to the ground. Looking up, her jaw dropped open and she fell backwards on her bottom. maybe get rid of the "on her bottom" here. lol!

Atop the tiny staircase was Sara, sitting atop a stone throne, her pale face staring blankly across the room. ~this last sentence is too long, make it two sentences.~ Her hands dangled over the ends of the throne’s arms, her blue dress torn and covered with dirt. A tiny golden tiara sat in her blonde hmm..."blonde" isn't an American word...(is it british??? sorry, i'm not sure...), just use blond, maybe... hair, the light blue gem being the only sign of life.

“Sara!” Brenda screamed at her, stumbling up the stairs end the first sentence, and make the beginning of the next "That was when she noticed..." when she noticed the skeletons were gaining on her. ~gaining on him/her/it is overused...maybe try a different phrase~ She tried desperately to ignore the pain in her arm as she confronted her cousin. “Sara! Wake up! Please!” She started to cry, knowing there was nothing she could do against this army of un-dead.

Your pathetic attempts do nothing.

By instinct, Brenda snatched the tiara from Sara’s hair before running to the wall behind the throne. If there was any way out of this, she would want to keep something that belonged to Sara. awwwwww, how nice. lol, jk!

No! The tiara! Get the tiara!

Brenda’s heart would pop out of her chest if it didn’t calm down. ~haha, that sounded really funny to me. lol The skeletons seemed to have picked up their slow pace to get her and the tiara. Why did he want the tiara? There was nothing special about it—only that it belonged to her now ~not now! lol...i mean, use something else, like "newly lost cousin". lost cousin.

Brenda picked up her injured arm before taking off at a run, staying as close to the wall as possible. She just barely missed a snatching skeletal we know that they're skeletons, so use something else here...maybe "skinless"...hmm, that's kinda awkward too. sorry, i'm not much help right now. lol! hand. She was almost at the door and could soon run away from this awful room.

She screamed and stopped short of a fresh group of un-dead appearing in the doorway. She walked backwards, away from all of the skeletons ~you're using skeletons too much--use "bodies" or something instead sometimes...~, until she hit the cold stone wall behind her. If she was going to live, she’d have to dash through the army, but her shaking legs would never support such a feat.

She was going to do it. She had to tell her majesty about the princess.

Brenda put the tiara in her brown hair so she could better support her arm. However, as soon as she set it atop her head, the disembodied voice hissed a scream of horror, catching Brenda off guard. “Get her!” just an idea, but what if here you put (since it caught her off guard--which is another overused phrase) "The tiara tipped as Brenda jumped, and she was barely able to keep it on her head."

Brenda didn’t know what to do. She wished Sara or someone was here to help her—

—until the gem began to glow. [b] this is some weird wording, because even if the gem DID begin to glow, wouldn't she still want Sara back? lol


The skeletons halted just feet in front of her and started stepping back, afraid of what the tiara was doing. Brenda’s legs started shaking again. She was going to fall to the ground again. What was happening? Was this the end? Did the wizard do it?

Brenda gaped at the result. Everyone was quiet. The skeletons didn’t move, the voice said nothing, and Brenda was on the verge of laughing. This was such a relief. She was safe now. she was on the verge of laughing? that's sudden and unexpected bravery

Puka was here to help.

“That’s it?” the voice said with humor in his voice. what voice? the wizards, or Puka? this was confusing

That was it. The bundle of blue flames settled right in front of Brenda. The skeletons cowered under the bright lights it let off. Within the flames, Brenda could see the little imp dancing from one foot to the next, excited to see her. Brenda fell to her knees, thankful for such a miracle. whoa, not smart to fall over here!

Get the healer!” the voice shrieked with rage.

Brenda returned to reality and stood up again, wincing from the pain in her arm. Puka stopped dancing at the sound of the voice. His pointed ears twitched and he turned to face the cowering skeletons. He cocked his head, wondering what they were doing. hahaha, that sounds really funny and kinda cute

You fools! Get the girl!

The skeletons straightened and took a step forward before Puka squawked. squawked? wrong work...puka sounds enough like a parrots name without you having him squawk lol They stopped at the strange sound he made and braced themselves for what might happen next. Brenda watched nervously, chewing her fingernails—a habit her master had tried to get her to break.

The blue fire around the imp seemed to be getting bigger and brighter. Brenda knelt on the floor and covered her eyes to shield them from the light. She heard the skeletons make a hollow scream and then stop. haha, they scream hollowly? that's a funny pun--whether it was intended or not There was dead silence. The light dimmed and Brenda looked up. Only Puka was there, and he danced in front of Brenda excitedly.

No! You will be mine, healer!

“What did you do?” Brenda asked as she slowly stood up, unsure if she was safe. Puka, on the other hand, danced across the room to where Sara sat. Brenda almost called out to Puka, worried what may happen, but only the little demon would know if they were in danger. She followed him toward Sara and stood in front of her.

Her cousin sat undisturbed. Now that Brenda wasn’t in danger of being taken away by skeletons, she could study her cousin to the fullest. It was frightening picture too. Her usually bushy blonde blond hair was now in thick strings, and her eyes were empty of all emotion.

Brenda sniffed and wiped her eyes, not wanting to cry in front of little Puka, whose tiny hands sat on top of Sara’s knee, looking up into his mistress’ eyes.

“Puka, do you know the way back?” Brenda asked hollowly ~hmm, hollowly doesn't sound as good coming from her...~, still watching her cousin.

Puka squeaked quietly before turning away from his mistress. He bounced toward the door—on one foot then the other—as if nothing had ever happened. Brenda sniffed once more before following Puka through the cold corridors. She cradled her injured arm, not having the energy to heal and rid herself of the pain. Walking through the dungeon with little Puka was not so nerve-racking, and she easily ignored the crawling insects and rats, but lost all sense of direction. i didn't like this last sentence,too long

Puka squealed and Brenda looked up from the ground to find the familiar tunnel that led the two girls down here. Brenda took a deep breath before finally leaving that dreaded place.

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I was unsure how to end it. :? And I didn't show Brenda's healing powers very well, so let me know if I should have. ^^


the ending was ok, and about the story...

well, admittedly (lol!!), it won't be winning any contests but...oh, wait, that's what you wanted it for...nvm. (jk, i'm really mean, aren't i jabber)

it was ok, but not as good as a the others i read by you (Outlaw, Shocks).

maybe that's just cuz it was a little too cliche and it's all about girls--lol!

altho...i'm kinda disappointed that i can only get up to fifty points for this...cuz i spent almost an hour working on this! lol...now who takes time out of their day to help others? lol

keep writing

Woz (since you apologized...lol)

sorry onlookers, the last part of this was loaded with half-private jokes (it all depends on whether you've been on the chat or not)
Go K-State for North Division!!




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Points 1382
Reviews 237
omigosh, i have the best Bartemius quote ever!!

"Bartemius says , Eat your vegetables. - Your mom." lol! actually, i like the homer simpson ones a lot...

oh, right, what i was actually going to say was:

i didn't even get a full fifty points for that!!! i got 47.3!! i should've gotten like...

1,988,764,453

edit: well, i guess i did just get almost 30 points for this post...but still...1,988,764,423 to go!! lol (i guess i mightget a few more for editing this post)
Go K-State for North Division!!



A man hears what he wants to hear and disregards the rest.
— Paul Simon