I am a rose not a thorn

I am a rose not a thorn
Roses are beautiful
Thorns are not.
I am a rose not a thorn

Roses are a gorgeous red.
Thorns are dull and boring
Roses can bloom into something awesome.
But sadly thorns can not

As a rose I can be taken care of
Than be a thorn which is just
stepped all over and rejected
You can choose to be a thorn
But I choose to be a rose

It's okay, I mean, you should check on your flow a little bit, try to expand your sentences a bit or make it longer, it seems that youre trying to prove something, but it needs more evidence behind it.

You write really good poems!

gothgirl01 wrote:I think it gives potential because how she wants to be beautiful like a rose. The grammar could use some work but the on the emotional side of things it is pretty great. keep on the good stuff I rock!!!

Reviewing your own work generally doesn't cut it. Try reviewing someone else's work.

The best advice I can give you on this -- scrap it. Get rid of it and start again. It's not poetry, it's a navel-gazing paragraph spaced to look like a poem. It doesn't use poetic language or metaphors or rhyme. Nope, not even the thorn/rose comparison gets the title of "poetic language".

I get the point of the poem, but it's lifeless and two-dimensional. "Thorns are dull and boring"? Well, what about this silly, overused rose thing, eh? In fact, you've completely missed the point (heh, pun intended) of the poor thorn; The thorn protects the rose. (Would you want to go around picking roses with thorns, eh?) If I would bother to turn the rose plant to a metaphor (which I'm not; flowers are so overused), I would mention how the thorn sacrifices itself for the rose or something else equally noble-sounding. It's like looking at the forest and missing the trees.

Aside from the lack of originality, you aren't saying much here. Basically: "I choose to be pretty so I'm better than you! NYAH NYAH!"

So, the bottom line: Scrap this, start over. Practice makes perfect and whatnot.

Good luck! Feel free to PM me if you have any questions on my review.

~Sumi

(my hundredth review, yay.)

Okay, first off, like Sumi said, I have no idea why you decided to review your own work. It doesn't really help you improve, and really just kind of comes off as you wanting to 1: make the piece look better by giving it a good review and 2: wanting to raise your review count so you can get in the chat.

Your piece doesn't hold much interest for me, the metaphors are bland, and even going directly against the already cliched thorn-rose thing, in which you're actually supposed to make the thorn out to be the hero. Not doing so makes your poem rather stuck-up sounding, I'm sorry to say. It just gushes Paris-Hilton-oh-look-I'm-pretty-and-rich-and-famous-so-I'm-way-better-than-you-lolz all over the place.

If you were to replace "beautiful" with "successful" or "happy" or something less 'skin-deep', then this would be better.

Also, use different metaphors, given that it's actually the thorn who's the hero, giving its life to protect the rose and whatnot.

That's about it, although given this appears to just be something quick you wrote in 20 minutes or so, I'd suggest just scrapping it and starting over with something fresher, less stuck-up, and more unique.

~Aet

Yes. Um. Reviewing your own stuff?

You don't rock. That's cheating. And double-posting is bad etiquette. Sort of like putting your elbows on the cyber-table when your parents' boss is over for dinner. Bad, bad, bad.

This poem is a prime example of navel-gazing. All you do is talk about yourself, and how you see yourself, and use truly horrible cliches about roses and thorns. Ideas for next time:

1) Focus outward, not inward.

2) Use original imagery.

3) Try to work in some good, strong, colorful, not-overused words.

4) At least pretend to have put effort into it.

Cheers.

The poem was ok. I think to make it better you should add more descriptive words then "awsome" and "boring".

Good Luck!

the first and last line of the 1 par is too repetitive

lulu

As mentioned before, you need to work on this. A lot. I didn't feel what you were trying to pull across to your readers, which means you may want to go back and work on your description a bit. There wasn't enough imagery to make me feel anything, thus I was bored.

The comparing and contrasting of roses and thorns isn't too original either. That doesn't mean you aren't allowed to write about it, but it would have been better had you wrote with some individuality. You know? Show us what we haven't already seen before. What makes you so special that you are a rose and not a thorn? Try to "WOW" your readers by making us say/think, "Hey, I never thought of it that way. She really IS more of a rose than a thorn." In your poem, you simply told us line-by-line.

Keep at it and best wishes! You have potential if you just dig a little deeper with your emotions. ^_^

~*Syd*~