Lust

"Lust"

Trapped.
Constantly wanting,
Only wishing, hoping, praying.
Dreaming of your body.
Wanting to worship
To dance with you in such
A way that makes you mine.

You are the one I love.
The one I want to hold.
You own me.
I'll do as you please.
All you need to do is prove
your dominance.

Chain me up,
Beat me, Rape me.
Do as you please.
Needles upon my flesh,
Make me Bleed.
Make me moan and
scream for you.
I love you.
And I lust
after
you.

kazie--


This is pretty lame stuff.

The short lines don't carry enough structural or narrative importance to merit their isolation (Let's not even get started on the topic of your poem--can we say, "dead horse"?).

"Only wishing, hoping praying" is really clumsy, even allowing for poetic license. The description doesn't describe much.

The overall impression is that this little set of words is struggling to pretend it's a poem in the hands of somebody who is just beginning to write poetry.

I wouldn't advise spending any more time on it. There's no potential that I can see.

What you might want to spend time on is a good book on the craft of poetry, such as Mary Oliver's "A Poetry Handbook." It will provide you with a grounding in the basics of contemporary poetry.

There's nothing to be gained from posting additional work at ths level.


All the best,
Brad

Echo to Brad up there. >.<

You have a very basic skeleton of a poem here. You have emotion - I can see taht you just blurted this out without really thinking about it, only writing what you feel - but I definitely think you need more imagery. I mean, you have basic imagery here, but I like it when the images you put in my head by reading a poem/prose are complex and riveting, not just faded glimpses of girls chained to walls.

Good luck!
-Ayra

Hi Kazie--

I fixed your title, please don't use all caps in the title (or any other funky thing..)
Thanks!

H'okay, so.

My first issue with this poem is not even the poem. It's the line about rape. Rape is not sexy. There's a huge difference between a rape fantasy/role playing game and actual rape. Any lustful feelings you'd been building up to that point (of which there really was none, anyway) died with that line. If you want to write a poem about BDSM, that's cool, but don't confuse consensual kink with abuse.

Now that I've gotten that out of the way, let's talk about the poem itself. Structurally, it did very little for me. I mean, I spotted several grammatical and formatting errors and there were lots of awkward lines and equally awkward line breaks. I'm hardly an expert in structured poetry, but I can tell when something isn't working. This isn't working.

It also fails to do anything for me, emotionally. Even before the "beat me/rape me" line, it just wasn't ... sexy, and that's a shame. I'm not saying it has to be erotic, but it should at least do something for the reader. I'm not saying that the reader needs to be turned on, just that they need to at least have some inkling of what the narrator is feeling.

So, what to do about it? Decide what the poem is about: lust in general, consensual kink, or rape. This is important; how you choose to revise it will be based on what you want it to be about. Read poetry; I'm sure there's erotic poetry out there, even if none immediately comes to mind. Or just read poetry in general to see how it's done. Combine what you learn from what with what you decide you want it to be about, and you could be on your way to a workable second draft.

the idea is good, i agree about the rape, i think you should work on it.

This poem needs a lot of work, but it has the potential to be great if you fix the format and find another way to express your feeling instead of the whole rape thing.

I agree with all previous statements.

I love you.
And I lust
after
you.

Okay, THIS^^^^^^^^^ is giving two contradictory images. HOW can you both love and lust after someone? I mean, if this person was confusing lust with love, i.e. 'is this love' that would make sense, but this person isn't thinking like that. Personally, it sounds very wrong, but tha's just my opinion.

Also, remember that everyone has different thoughts on lust. Yeah, some people are like "OH yeah..." while other people think that it feels like a living you know what. i.e. "I love you, but I don't want to feel this about you," etc. I mean, I know people who only think this way when they're tired, and when they're actually awake they don't even think of that.

As previously stated, this lacks any emotion. I mean, it's basically a list of lustful words. You can do a lot better with this. Think of what you want to portray here. Complete erotic desire, or self mastery... or something else?
PM me if you have any questions :D:D:D:D:D

its not to be sexy. i was in a mood to write 4 the hell of it. thank u tho 4 ur comments

its not to be sexy. i was in a mood to write 4 the hell of it. thank u tho 4 ur comments

I won't repeat what you already know, which is what everyone above has already mentioned, so I will just say... keep trying.

And it is also preferred that your posts/replies be typed out and not written as "ur" and "4". You are a writer, so it's pretty much expected that you type out your sentences properly.

Best wishes!

~*Sydney*~