His face, My downfall.

HIS FACE, MY FEAR.

In his face I saw his disbelief, in his eyes I saw his contempt, here am I again trying to impress a man who has never given me a nod of approval even when it was obvious I saved the day.

It’s my c\school sports festival and I’m in lane 6 in the 100meters final race. I hear chants and cheers from a distance, friends clapping their hands, my brothers at a corner and my mum, she was saying something to me but it was impossible to pick what she was saying exactly, a slight feeling of joy and pride swept through me, its going to be one of my moments, all these feelings died the moment I caught sight of my dad, from the distance I could see his face, filled with disapproval,. I could see the hate in his eyes, in that brief moment my mind flashed back to my past, I remembered trying to impress my old man, I remembered last year when he was the only parent absent in the school debate (which I was the first speaker) because he felt it was of no use to me come, “you’re a junkie” was all he said when I got home that day.

I remember how he beat my senses off that day I asked him pay for my extra moral lessons, He said he would rather buy himself a cold beer at least he would be happy drinking it. I remembered how I failed SAT because he refused to drop me off at school simply because there was a heavy downpour of rain; He argued it wasn’t worth the risk. How would I forget when I was locked in the basement because I spilled his tea, or how he beat me silly because I was 5 minutes late to school.

I’ve tried all my life to pleas a man who says paying my tuition is not necessary because I’ll still be of no use to humanity, An irony because I came tops in class throughout junior high.

I’m brought back to the present by the ringing of the warm up bell, I get on my mark, getting set I look to my right once again and I see his face, despite his distance from me I see his unapproval,,In my thought I reconsidered, He shouldn’t have come, despite his absence in the debate my group won although I was he wasn’t there to share my success, the 8 man finalists were decided from 135 contestants, why shouldn’t I be happy? I have tried my whole life to impress him, maybe after the race he might think differently of Me.

Its too late now, the race is over, I came 4th, I just couldn’t comport myself, I barely controlled my tears, as I race into the lockeroom, daddy, had you but believed in me, I would have won this race.

I remembered trying to impress my old man,

I think that instead of a comma you could use a period to give a bit of finallity to the statement. The sentance before is the same way, unless this was in a different format.

An irony because I came tops in class throughout junior high

The an doesn't need to be capitiallized and shouldn't it be 'I was at the top of my class throughout junior high' ?

Other than those two, just extra punctution where it isn't needed and way too many commas. I did enjoy this piece though. It actually made me want to bash the dad in the head with a barb-wire bat. Great story, beautiful emotions.

ucheokere wrote:HIS FACE, MY FEAR.

In his face I saw his disbelief, in his eyes I saw his contempt, here am I again trying to impress a man who has never given me a nod of approval even when it was obvious I saved the day.

It’s my c\school sports festival and I’m in lane 6 in the 100meters final race. I hear chants and cheers from a distance, friends clapping their hands, my brothers at a corner and my mum, she was saying something to me but it was impossible to pick what she was saying exactly, a slight feeling of joy and pride swept through me, its going to be one of my moments, all these feelings died the moment I caught sight of my dad, from the distance I could see his face, filled with disapproval,. I could see the hate in his eyes, in that brief moment my mind flashed back to my past, I remembered trying to impress my old man, I remembered last year when he was the only parent absent in the school debate (which I was the first speaker) because he felt it was of no use to me come, “you’re a junkie” was all he said when I got home that day.

im sure this is just a typo but i thought id point it out anyways

the 's' is not needed

this is all one big run on sentence, i would suggest a period after exactly. also take out the comma after dad

I remember how he beat my senses off that day I asked him pay for my extra moral lessons, He said he would rather buy himself a cold beer at least he would be happy drinking it. I remembered how I failed SAT because he refused to drop me off at school simply because there was a heavy downpour of rain; He argued it wasn’t worth the risk. How would I forget when I was locked in the basement because I spilled his tea, or how he beat me silly because I was 5 minutes late to school.

he is not capitalized

either add a comma after beer or the word because

I’ve tried all my life to pleas a man who says paying my tuition is not necessary because I’ll still be of no use to humanity, An irony because I came tops in class throughout junior high.

pleas=please

An is not capitalized

I’m brought back to the present by the ringing of the warm up bell, I get on my mark, getting set I look to my right once again and I see his face, despite his distance from me I see his unapproval,,In my thought I reconsidered, He shouldn’t have come, despite his absence in the debate my group won although I was he wasn’t there to share my success, the 8 man finalists were decided from 135 contestants, why shouldn’t I be happy? I have tried my whole life to impress him, maybe after the race he might think differently of Me.

i think the two commas were meant to be a period?

thought=thoughts

he is not capitalized

Its too late now, the race is over, I came 4th, I just couldn’t comport myself, I barely controlled my tears, as I race into the lockeroom, daddy, had you but believed in me, I would have won this race.

im with porcelain angel, we need to hunt down that dad with a barb wire bat which is good because he deserves it and you made the reader really feel for your main character beautiful piece of writing *applause*