Noctis Volatilis Pacis

And hear a knock on the door
Still, I am, though young,
I can hardly move,
All covered in dust
-But I'll shake it all off
When I spread my wings and fly away.

A dove hanging by my claws,
Upside down, covered in dust.
In my folded wings I'm waiting for night,
When I spread my wings and fly away.

Never were we bound
As one, we're not; but sound
Is closer to what we are.
To ricochet throughout the sky-
Empty, though it may seem,
It's only what our eyes imply;
We hit off the ground.

And safe at night, I feel
For I'm not blinded by the light,
Or am I lost in the dark.
I can't be caught, with all distraught,
And I'm one of few who know the way,
I'm soaring through the night.

And with the flock, and through the sky
We'll spread the still
As specks of dust, once caught in us,
Trickle down, along with the sounds
As we sing our song to discover
Where we're headed,
And never were we bound.
Soaring through the sky at night
With wings, we spread, and fly away.

I'm not sure if you had no punctuation intentionally or not. It looked like you meant to do it that way, but it still makes no sense to me. I could't follow some of it, or almost all of it. That's all I can say, because if I can't understand it, I can't pick deeper.... So I would suggest adding punctuation, for clarities sake.

And then some things were just confusing:

And hear a knock on the door
Still, I am, though young,

"And hear" That whole first line I feel is missing a subject. "And you hear..." "And I hear..." Just something it needs a subject. If you're think you're being cool by bending the rules of grammar, and it's so hip of you, really you're just killing your clarity and making it harder for you reader to understand what you want to say. I'm not saying you can't break the rules, but at least spend some time warming up to them first, and getting to know them real well. Besides, in writing, a rule shouldn't be broken because it can be; it is broken with intent, and purpose.


Er, I hope this helped. I realize I only focused on one thing, but it is all I can think to say... If you have any questions feel free to PM me.

I'd have to agree with Suzanne. I read the first verse and it just went down hill from there. Definately needs punctuation.

Keep writing

~ Loz

This seriously needs some punctuation, I found it slightly hard to read, I agree with the above, clarity was quite an issue in this piece.

And hear a knock on the door

This made no sense at all...

As for the content of your piece:

It was ok, it wasn't amazing but it was ok, I'd say you need to work on this quite a bit. From my understanding this was a poem on bats, however, some of the lines are just filler material, not adding anything at all. In fact most of this is filler material which doesn't really have an exciting subject. Yeah, ok, you're writing about bats, but you're writing essentially the same thing over and over. When it comes down to it, I was bored as I read this poem.

There was a really beautiful couple of lines though:

As we sing our song to discover
Where we're headed
And never were we bound
Soaring through the sky at night

That was quite a beautiful image and there's fantastic potential here

Ok, I pm'd this to Suzanne, and one thing I'm having trouble with is that not only to me, but to people I've shown it to from other then this website understood it perfectly, the grammar is not seemingly an issue anywhere but here, and I'm not exactly sure why that is.

Also, in regards to the first line "And hear a knock on the door" ok, maybe it makes more sense to take out the "and." But the meaning behind the and was to imply that there was something before the beginning. It's like your picking up in the middle.

I think that maybe there were two or three lines that I can maybe see our convoluted, and that's if you just quickly read it. I think it's much clearer if read at a slow pace to take it all in.

Also, ScarletMonkey, a heads up: The bat descriptor is to add the metaphor. This poem in it's underlying meaning has absolutely nothing to do with bats.

Not to be taken wrong, but please understand my frustration. I don't see at all whats so unclear about this piece, and it greatly discourages me that it's not so easy to read.

one thing I'm having trouble with is that not only to me, but to people I've shown it to from other then this website understood it perfectly, the grammar is not seemingly an issue anywhere but here, and I'm not exactly sure why that is.

Haha, well, I think it is because a lot of us here are very grammar...adamant? Er. I mean, adamant with grammar.

I've read over it a few times now, slower. I like a lot of it. You're still going to have to wrestle with me though; but I'll be more specific here and point out where you start to fade into "ew".

And hear a knock on the door
Still, I am, though young,
I can hardly move
All covered in dust
But I'll shake it all off
When I spread my wings and fly away

All right... first stanza. I understand the first to lines, but now I do not see their purpose. "Still, I am, though young" I understand, I just hate the way you are organizing it. I want to force it into a more understandable position. The two words, "still" and "young" don't even fit so nicely into that sentence because you couldn't say, "I am still though young." You could but it begs, "What does being still have to do with being young?" [since still is used as "motionless" not continuity, yes?] So, I don't know how on earth to reshape it, but it drives me mad. Do not mistake me, I understand it, I just hate it a lot. I like it when something rolls of my tongue and makes sense when it does. This just... it dies on my tongue, essentially. "And hear a knock on the door"--It's real basic. I've gotten over the absence of a subject. But now I'm wondering why it matter. Does it matter? I personally think you could start the stanza with L3 and save your reader death-by-confusion. You may have some reason to keep in those two lines, but they're so bothersome, I think it would turn away many readers too quickly.

Never were we bound
As one, were not, but sound
Is closer to what we are
To ricochet throughout the sky
Empty, though it may seem
It's only what our eyes imply
We hit off the ground

"As one, were not, but sound" I think I understand this. It becomes so confusing because you have no punctuation (but the few commas you seem to deem necessary, and yet periods are not?) and so it makes comprehension so...rough. "were not". I'm not sure. We are not bound as one... and we were not? It's just so difficult that again, it would make most readers (me included) feel sick and put down the poem. I can't even be sure I have any idea of what you are saying. Sentence structure... clarity... it is so important to getting your idea across, that I think it is much more important to get your idea across than to sound lyrical and poetic in your bizarre sentence structure. Although I did notice [and perhaps I am just looking too hard] a word play on "sound". Strong, and noise. Noise comes from the following line, sound if you just stop there. If it was meant to be that way, I think it worked? again, it is hard because what comes before made so little sense to me.

I don't really like the word "ricochet" either because I'm not sure what is ricocheting. Again it's that ultra lack of punctuation, the previous line obscures the subject of the next one.

"Empty, though it may seem
It's only what our eyes imply" - This is wonderful. "We hit off the ground" I'm not so sure I like it, but this is much more opinion than suggestion. "hit off" makes me wonder if you are saying something like "Take off" as in ascend. Even though "Take off" is incredebly idiomatic, I think "hit off" is so much so that it isn't even common to most [to me] English speakers.

We'll spread the still
As specks of dust, once caught in us
Trickle down, along with the sounds
As we sing our song to discover
Where we're headed

"the still" what still? Still what? I have no idea what you are talking about with that line. Spread the still? The still... the quiet, you're spreading quiet? It just... it falls apart in my hands, honestly. The rest though, starting at the next line, I love.


Now, deep breath on my part, haha. This took much thought. I hope this helped, or at least clarified how I am feeling on it. I really, really wish you would punctuate it. Punctuation.. I don't know. It helps make poems flow, makes them make sense to me. Even if I read this slow, I cannot see the words as you see them, and you can only tell your reader how to read them, where they should pause, where they should continue, with the punctuation. My favorite metaphor for punctuation is that your poetry is a map, and the punctuation a key to the map. Without the key I cannot tell which way (or how) to go. It just jumbles. Still, though, it is my opinion and it is you poem.

But I'm ending on a happier note. After the few more reads I gave it, I could clearly see the meaning and I loved it. It was a bit shaded in parts for me (" For I'm not blinded by the light / Or am I lost in the dark") but only because certainly places (the one I quoted, for instance) seem to beg for punctuation, cry for it. But I can still see the theme, and as foggy as it is in areas, I like it a lot. Your ending paragraph did I great job of puling it together, and the imagery with the dust, and the strange metaphor of doves to bats, which is so... bizarre and yet perfectly done, was wonderful. So... in conclusion? This is a very good poem, but it is so hard to "trip" through (I do mean trip.) that it is hard to understand. As I said, clarity, being able to clearly present your ideas, is incredebly important IMO. I think that if you desperately want to write a good poem, then you should be more clear with it. In a way, writing it so difficultly cuts away a certain amount of your audience; those who don't understand it, those who can't, and those who don't want to try to. Thats a big chunk. Of course, Emerson can be confusing (I use him because we both like him ^_~) in his poetry, but usually after a read or two, it makes sense. And it is hard, advanced, but his sentence structures are intact. I can break down his lines, and comprehend. Here, some lines, I can break down all I want, and I am still clueless as to what you meant. It bothers me because it is a beautiful poem and I would hate to see you loose audience or refuse to change it because of something silly. (Although that isn't to say you are silly, er, although I am not sure what I said.)

So.. it isn't that I didn't understand it, I'm just really a lover of grammar, and moreover, comprehension. I hope this critique satisfied you more than the last. ^_^ PM if you wish to discuss further (I would love to hear your thoughts) and I am proud to say that I honestly think this is the longest critique I have done on a poem, ever.

*wide-eyed stare at Suzanne's ridiculously long comment*

Anyway. Don't get discouraged just because people on YWS are tough on your piece. It'll only make you better, trust me. If you got better reactions on other forums, it's probably because those other forums weren't as advanced, to be honest. Being harsh is just YWS's way of saying, "We love you. We want to help you become brilliant!"

Basically I agree with the others. The poem didn't appeal to me for a few reasons:

1. It was too vague. I couldn't get a good picture in my mind of what was happening, and it seemed to jump around quite a bit. I'm sure you have a fantastic picture in your head; now you just need to get it into our heads. Use buckets of concrete imagery.

2. The speaker was not speaking directly to me. In my opinion, poetry is a lot better when the speaker gets very personal and becomes casual or intimate with the reader. It makes the poem appeal to the reader and it helps the reader understand the speaker's emotion.

3. It was not always written in complete sentences or with correct punctuation. It's not a crime to disobey the rules, but you can't just disobey them because you feel like it. You've got to have a reason; and if removing the poem's punctuation is going to make it more difficult to understand, don't do it at all.

I say, put this poem away for a little while. Let it simmer and ferment. After a few weeks, return to it. Think hard about what you're trying to say: Will it make sense to someone else? If you're not sure, add more description or make it more specific. Try to cut it down in length; this will force you to be concise and less stream-of-consciousness-y.

Good luck!
-Colleen

*Stares along with Cade at Suzanne's comment*

*Clears throat* Well, I updated the piece in terms of grammar, and added punctuation where I believe it provides for most clarity. This is pretty much my last attempt working with it before I take Cade's advice and let it sit.

Also, in regards to the first line making no sense, I'd like to make clear that the line is necessary, and the there is a connection between "And hear a knock on the door/But sound is closer to what we are/as we sing our song to discover where we're headed," and that there are few to no lines that are to be meant as filler.

Thanks again,
Chris

This poem reminds me of (Now I'm not sure if the naming is accurate) 'The Hawk' (Forgot author too). Well, like I always say, BRilliANT!