Our Hero

And unto the truth did our hero set
His wealth and all begotten to him
Alight behind his mounted steed
Whence forth his callous heart did ride
The strife of a nation did follow close.

Mayhap it were the strangest deed
That did set our dear hero apart
Far be it that from our simple narrators lips
His thoughts did creep so very near
As to closet his fear in our quivering souls.

Again did our hero set out to search anew
Out into the clear breathing land
Where his weary steed did plough
Bent with the sorrows of his forgotten home
Left behind when winter blew, cold as his master did know.

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So, this isn't finished... Nor has it really started, if you notice it seems like it beings in the middle of a story... I don't know whats going on with it. Just wrote it, so I thought I would get some ideas on how to proceed, because I just hit a wall. A hard wall.

Hey penguin. I'm no poetry person but I thought I'd say something. Most of this will probably be absolute bish-bosh though.

And unto the truth did our hero set
His wealth and all begotten him
Alight behind his mounted steed
Whence forth his callous heart did ride
The strife of a nation did follow close.

I found that the second line sort of jarred compared to the rest of the poem. It was due to the 'begotten him' which ran off my toungue wierdly. Maybe somethign like 'His wealth and all begotten to him might make it sound better?

Nice poem though. Reminds of a poem which might or might not have been called the listeners by some guy. I'm not sure. As to giving new ideas? Urmmm...I got nothin'.

*Fan*

Hehe Thanks Fan ^.^

I have changed that one bit, you were right, it sounds better like that.

Thanks for the commentation, all is welcome ^.^


*Hearts* Le Penguin.

I stumbled a bit as read this, but that might just be because I was trying to read it out loud without looking over it first.

Over all, I like the concept and it is a good start. I'd like to see some explination as to what deeds the Hero had down that made him such a hero. Just a thought. I'm not sure I can be much help on giving ideas either. Sorry, le Penguin. Hope this helped some, though. I would try re-wording parts of the second stanza. I kept wanted to say closest instead of closet for some reason.. but again.. that could just be me.

~Rea

I like your poetry....intreging...i dont like poetry so this is wierd
i'm going to have to keep watching out when you post some poetry
loved it!!!
Rating
A
!!!
(^_^)

I really should remember to come back and try and finish this.


Thanks to you both, Rea and Derek.


I understand what you mean about the deeds... it may be a way to bring in more... I have this niggling feeling that this is meant to be an epic, but it will never get there. XD

Your comments are *most* appreciated, once again, thank you.


*Hearts* Le Penguin.