Volcano...

The Lone Mountain

All alone, yet sturdy and proud
Sat a mountain among the cloud.

No one had reached the tallest peak;
For, it seemed, they were just too weak.

This Lone Mountain here
Everyone did fear.

The Mountain gave a shake!
It then came awake!

The Mountain grumbled and hopped,
It then blew its top!

All the people ran to hide,
As the lava ran down the side.

For the people, it's too late
They suffered and awful fate.

Now the Lone Mountain stands still once again,
The only survivor; a common hen.

~I wrote this years ago, and kept it because I liked the ending, but have never gotten around to fixing it.

I could tell it you wrote it a year ago. No offense or anything but it was a really weak poem. It sounded like a second grader wrote it. You might want to go into some deep disscussion of the volcano or change some word choices to make it a bit, shall we say, "older kid" sounding. *I know that's bad grammar, but bear with me*

Just curious, what mountain is it?

I have to agree, this is a very weak poem. You will do better next time.

I don't necessarily agree with MadHatter and blacktiger3915 in that the poem was "weak" but I'll say it was simple. There's nothing wrong with simple poetry--you might find this in a children's book or something. But if you wanted to get a little more serious, the childish rhyme/rhythm (and the exclamation points) have to go.

The poem is simple because there's not much below its surface. It's a story about a volcano that erupts. And then there's a funny ironic ending. Not much else to it. If you want sophistication...scrap this altogether. You'll do much better with a fresh start. Also, practice a lot. You're not going to up and write a great poem, it takes time and effort. And read lots of poetry. Go to your local library or sit down at Barnes & Noble and just read. It'll do wonders for your writing.

-Colleen

Thanks for the replies
I'm not really into peoms this was a more of a practice run since I'm new to the site...
I wrote this in sixth grade...which explains its simplicity and well that it looks like it was written by a "second grader" lol...
To answer mad hatter's question:
I based this poor attempt at a poem on a whole village (people included) preserved by lava. Like the volcano erupted engulfing the whole village and when the lave cooled, the images of people, huts and whatnot remained. Cool, yet morbid...

Zorakero wrote:I based this poor attempt at a poem on a whole village (people included) preserved by lava. Like the volcano erupted engulfing the whole village and when the lave cooled, the images of people, huts and whatnot remained. Cool, yet morbid...

Pompeii much? I think you could do a lot with that image...rather than following the story of the volcano's eruption, you could discuss how the village is years later with all the people buried under ash and whatnot. Keep in mind, that's been done before, so make it your own.

Good luck!
-Colleen

Well, I thouhgt that was pretty good!

I think the topic has real potential, but it did sound a bit childish. I think you could make the poem flow better, and a different rhyme scheme would make it seem less imature. On a side note, I would like to add that the poem is probably above average for a sixth grader, so keep up the hard work.