Night Me

each paragraph is told by a different person

Glitter

Fallen angel, Angelo
back on your feet in the blink of the moon
there's a Pandora in your eyes
there are ribbons of dynamite in your veins
light me
with your fire
let's experiment at night
let's be reckless in our love
mixing things that don't combine
let's light those ribbons of dynamite
and tape ourselves together
let's inhale each other and breathe out ourselves
writhing in those ribbons of fire
as the stammering star devours the fuse
it burns but cleanses, hurts but heals,
light me, angel,
Angelo,
light me
let's melt into love, into pools of gold
extracting the essense of who we are
you are the criminal of the worst kind
the kind that steals hearts
may you go to jail...
but may I go with you
Angelo, light me!

Angelo

I'm addicted to your orbit
and beyond recovery
when I stole your heart
it was an accident--
it just sort of...happened
can I wear your halo?
you can wear my crown of spiking sun
can you take your strength and
night me
?
you Glitter
like glass and graphite
you Glitter
like garnet and gold
you struggle but do not fight
you look but your heart is blind
and now I am your only choice
feed me waxing golden fruit
and with your silvering sickle scythe
lower the light
and night me.

Oooh, this is not bad.

I especially liked:

there's a Pandora in your eyes
there are ribbons of dynamite in your veins

You beginning very strong, sort of Euclidean-like. Imagery in S1 is great! However, I felt slightly disappointed at the rest. Try to stray away from repeating yourself; a metaphor/simile loses its meaning after it is used more than once.

I'm also not sure about the title. "Glitter" wasn't what was conveyed to me. Maybe "Angelo"?

Still, not a bad effort
-Evang.

Hmm...I liked this at the beginning, but about half way through the first part (Glitter?) it seemed to get really, as Evangelina said, repeatative. I liked the general concept, but I'd try to change the repeatativeness (I think that's a word...) Good job!

Merry Writing!
~Bella~

Wow, that was stunning.
I didn't exactly understand all of it, but there's many poems whose meaning elude me on this site. I'll let you decide whether we can blame that on my brainpower or the depth of this. Either way, this was very interesting.

The imagery was vivid and poignant, and the flow was quite unique. I can't say that it was silky smooth--it was like a crumpled ribbon; with little ridges, but with patches that shine.

I think though, that it got slightly detached at the end. I don't quite understand the silver sickle, but it's probably beyond me anyways.

Keep it up!
-Ayra

Holy cow! Fangala, this is amazing. I loved it.

"I'm addicted to your orbit
and beyond recovery
when I stole your heart
it was an accident--
it just sort of...happened
can I wear your halo?
you can wear my crown of spiking sun
can you take your strength and
night me
? "

This whole section right there just doesn't fit in with the rest of the poem. I am sorry, but it doesnt.

"it just sort of...happened"

That line really made the depth of the poem and things like that just vanish. I would recommend taking out that line. And, well, not much of this poem made sense, but whenever does a poem make sense?

Great job! I am going to go and read more of your stuff because everytime I read it, I become 'flabergasted' *new word of the day* *not sure how to spell it either*

BBB

Um...I think flabbergasted has two Bs. Thanks for the comments and suggestions, everybody. I've been meaning to edit this for a long time, so I think I'll do that now.

Critique four of five.

This was amazing. I love your imagery. Was this originally part of a story or a play?

Admittedely, I prefered Glitter's section. I loved the imagery, though I'm add punctuation and make the first letters of sentences capitals. (Though I think this is a matter of personal preference.) I loved "mixing things that don't combine." I'm not sure about:

"you are the criminal of the worst kind
the kind that steals hearts
may you go to jail...
but may I go with you
Angelo, light me! "

There's nothing wrong with it in itself, but I think it's weaker than the rest of this verse.

I'd take another look at:

"and beyond recovery
when I stole your heart
it was an accident--
it just sort of...happened"

"you struggle but do not fight
you look but your heart is blind
and now I am your only choice "

as these lines are a tad cliche, and don't have the same power as some of your other sentiments.

You concluded nicely, and the whole piece had a sort of magical feel to it.

yes, yes, yes... uh no? the begining was great but you lost me at the end.

It's me again.. just adding that you should maybe add a title such as "angelo"